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| Looking At Life |
- I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
- I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
- I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Sometimes when things like this come around, its helpful to use them as a mirror to life as its currently being lived. I look at my life through this lens and try to see how I'm holding up verses the life that I want to be living. I don't think that anyone wants to have these regrets at the end of their lives. How am I doing with all of this? I'm only twenty-four years old, but as I've learned the past year, we aren't guaranteed any time here. I'm learning to live in the moment and not take life for granted.
I certainly have a ways to go with the first one. I'm learning slowly how to live my authentic life, the life that I want to lead. My town has a certain reputation and there was a lot of pressure on me to succeed in that environment. I'll never forget that in eighth grade the guidance councilors from the public high school came to talk to us. We were told that if we weren't planning on going to college then we should find another high school to go to. I do think that college was the best choice for me, but I didn't really make that choice for myself. I was told what to do and I did it. My current job was the next step. I like it, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't have been better doing something else.
I'm a hard worker. I go at things 110%. There is no middle ground for me. Right now it's not interfering with living my life. I don't have a lot of commitments so my job doesn't get in the way. I'm sure that's going to change in the future and I'll have to adjust.
I'm a hard worker. I go at things 110%. There is no middle ground for me. Right now it's not interfering with living my life. I don't have a lot of commitments so my job doesn't get in the way. I'm sure that's going to change in the future and I'll have to adjust.
The first step for number three is blogging here. I'm learning to express what I feel and put complicated ideas into words. I'm learning how to see things for how they really are and how to be accepting of that. I can't change the past or undo my adoption or what happened with my first parents. What I can do is learn to forgive them and heal from the most recent fresh batch of wounds. I'll always have scars, but a scar is still a lot better than an open festering wound.
Number four is a huge problem for me. My friends are all over. I have friends in other continents and other states. It's challenging to keep in tough with everybody and it's something that I struggle with. It sounds awful but thank goodness for Facebook. I'd be even more out of touch without it.
I'm trying so hard to let myself be a happy person. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to that. It's funny because you'd think that I'd want to be happy. And I do, don't get me wrong. Somehow though I can't help but feel like I get in my own way. I'm working on it and lately I seem to be doing a little better with everything.
