Wearing Big Girl Panties

I don't always feel like a grown up.  There are several reasons for this.  It's a problem.

For starters, I live at home.  With my parents.  Who don't view me as an adult.  So it's pretty hard to feel like a grown up when your parents are telling you what to do from the moment you walk through the door after work (a big girl job too!) until you go to bed (and they tell you when that is).  Sigh.  It's not their fault.  It's a common thing that parents don't see their adult children as adults.  Especially when they are still living at home.  So I'll always be their little girl.  It just gets annoying.  That's not going to change until I move out.  Which can't happen for a least a few more months.  Oh well.  I'll get there!

Next, this whole reunion thing sent be backwards a bit.  Something about connecting with a parent.  It's hard to do so as an adult.  So it's easier to think about when I was a kid and try to relate to my first parents from that point of view.  I'm not saying I acted like a kid around them.  Not at all.  But it made me take a step back into childhood and revisit a lot of those memories.  It's hard to move forward when you're looking back.  But at the same time, I had to look back.  I just got a bit stuck there.  I'll get over it.

The majority of my friends are my own age or younger.  We're all in various stages in terms of where we're living, our states of employment, and where we are with school.  The best way for everyone to connect is to act like we're still in college at times.  Because that's the thing that we all have in common.  But it doesn't make one feel horribly grown up.  I'm having a lot of fun with them.  And I'm not going to give that up.  But still, doesn't make one feel like a mature college graduate.  And let's not forget that Rudy lives at home as well.  So even when I visit him, it's not the same as if one of us had our own apartment.

It's not a huge problem, but at this point in my life, I do feel ready for more.  I do have a big girl job.  I'm making plans to have my own big girl place.  My boyfriend and I are talking about our future together, something that might actually materialize in the next year or two.  And I'm starting to think about what it is that I want out of life.  It's time to make some big girl decisions.  I can't imagine that I graduated high school six years ago (nearly).  It's unbelievable to me.  Time flew by so fast.  So I don't want to spend the next six years or so in a state of fogginess.

The purpose of my search and reunion was so that I could feel more complete.  So that I could get my answers and live a better life.  To figure out my past so I could enjoy the present and the future.  And I learned some hard lessons.  But I'm putting my big girl panties on.  I've decided that if I want to be more grown up, I have to act that way.  And that means standing up for myself.  That means treating me the way I deserve, rather than pushing me aside and letting other people do whatever they want and walk all over me.  I'm not the same girl I was two years ago.  I'm no where close to being the same girl I was six years ago.  I realized that six years ago I let other people walk all over me and didn't do anything about it because I was scared.  Now I'm letting two people walk all over me and I'm justifying it because I think it's the "right" thing to do.  So I'm not going to justify it anymore.  I won't tolerate it.  Nobody else is going to stand up for me.  So I'm going to have to do it myself.