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| I just need to hit Send |
I've been pretty proud of myself. I set a goal to run a 5K in the spring. Now, I still have a long way to go. I started a 10 week training program which is going to take me longer than ten weeks. However, I'm now done with Week 3 and I'm doing pretty well with the whole thing. I'll admit to feeling like I was never going to make it this far. I'm determined to finish this program out, even if it's a week longer right now because I couldn't handle the jump this week. But I just need to keep reminding myself that this is about me and nobody else. If I need to slow it down a bit, it's only going to affect me. Running nearly a mile (not counting walking breaks) is pretty amazing. I'll get there eventually. And I'm sticking with it. I'm learning to be patient. You see, I want to run a 5K tomorrow. I want to be in shape, yesterday. I want to be able to throw on a pair of running shoes and get out there on the road and not feel like my lungs are going to burst. Because I'm pretty sure that's what it would feel like if I did that today. So I have to keep reminding myself that I need to get my lungs into shape and pump up my legs a bit before I can just go for a run without so much structure. I'll get there. I'm making huge strides. My dance teacher noticed this week and commented about how I was a lot stronger than even last week. I have more energy and I overall feel better. I feel so much better on days when I run. But I tend to forget that at times because it doesn't always feel like I'm progressing when I struggle to run for more than two minutes at a time.
I'm similarly impatient with myself lately. I wrote that email to my first mother. And then I hit "Save" rather than "Send". It's been sitting in my draft folder for a while now. I've even gone back to rewrite a few bits and pieces of it. I want to have the courage to send it now and get it over with. I'm not an indecisive person. However, with this, I just can't seem to hit the send button and it has be wondering. Maybe it's that I know I'll be waiting around to hear from her. I know that it's silly, but sometimes I have to wait a week and other times a month before she gets back to me. And that really can test my patience. I also don't know how the whole thing is going to work with my first father. He's been a bit MIA lately, but I don't know if he'll be even more MIA if I upset my first mother, which this email has the potential to do. He's made it very clear to me that when it comes down to picking sides, he'll pick her's every time. That's hard to hear, but completely true and understandable. I haven't asked him to pick sides yet. I've pushed at times for sure, but I've always backed down. I don't think there's ever been a real situation where he's had to figure out how to deal with my first mother and I on a serious level, like me asking her to meet would do. I don't want him involved at all, but I know that he's going to be.
I need to figure out if I want to send that email. I can't have it chilling in my drafts folder, glaring at me every time I check my email. I need to work on my patience, but I don't want to push it too much. OK, I'm going to stop rambling right now and go stretch out for a bit. If I can't make progress on one part of my life, at least I have other goals and things to work towards!
I've done this. Not the running, yikes, but the delay in sending letters or asking a question of my bio mother. For me it's like the minute I hit "send", it's no longer in my hands. I have no more control and yes, I leave myself at the mercy of someone else who I don't, and can't, trust to care that I am waiting to hear back. While it sits in your draft folder, you're in control. Once it's sent, you hand control to someone else, and in this case, someone you aren't in a trusting relationship with.
ReplyDeleteYou can look at it the other way though. Being apprehensive about saying what you want because you're afraid of losing something you don't even have is not being in control, it's actually bring controlled, by your own fear.
Whatever you decide, it's not easy to know what to do, how to effectively interact with people we don't really know. It's a gamble sending it. You don't and can't know what will happen.
I like things to happen yesterday too.
I never thought to look at it that way, being controlled by my own fear... Thanks for that perspective and for your insights. It's nice to know I'm not the only one thought it'd be nice if nobody had to deal with this.
DeleteI say push send, do you really have anything to loose? I mean I know you always have that glimmer of hope because you haven't totally burned the bridge but do you really think just asking her to meet you is going to burn the bridge? She could just say no, from what I understand she doesn't talk to you much if at all and you dad is falling fast. Weighting the costs and benefits of the situation I would say hit send because do you really have much of a relationship any way? Besides the fact that unless I am missing something that you are going to put in your email, asking her to come shouldn't kill the relationship. I did it after my mom burned the bridge she just said no and left it at that. But alas its just my two cents, I don't not the intimate details of the situation so my opinion may not work for the situation, and I am just a take risks, I don't play games type of person.
ReplyDeleteYou're right. I don't have anything to lose at this point. I'm not a play games type of person either, and I think that's what makes this so hard because I feel like I have to. Maybe I need to remember why it is that I don't play games and just hit send already... Thanks for reminding me of that :-)
DeleteThose sitting letters are so hard, I know. I think only you will know when you are ready to send it, though it probably feels right now that you never will.
ReplyDeleteJust remember, after you send it, you are worthy of a response. You deserve to be treated with love and understanding from ALL your parents and it is not now, or never will be, your job to make them "feel better."
Thank you so much for reminding me that it's not my job to make them feel better. It's such common sense, but I forget that from time to time. <3
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