Emails Come and Go

I've started to notice a pattern in my "weekly" emails.  Sometimes they come, and sometimes they don't.  I'm sort of over it at this point.  I mean, I can send mine, but I can't make him write back.  And I have to keep reminding myself that it's not me.  I forget sometimes that I'm used to sending emails.  I type faster than I hand write things out.  It's what I do all day long.  The faster I can type, the faster I can get my work done and get home.  So for me, typing quickly is second nature.  My first father writes his emails to me on his cell phone most of the time.  That's even harder to type on.  And he's not the same as me, growing up typing school reports and playing computer games.

I guess I just thought that after we stopped our weekly phone calls that we'd at least keep up with the weekly emails.  So it's hard when the week comes and goes and I don't get my email.  And I wonder if I should send my weekly email.  I'm starting to think that I'm going to stop emailing without fail each week.  It hasn't mattered in the past if he's responded, but maybe now I need to.  I'll admit that there's a part of me that wants him to see how it feels to not here from me for over a week and to wonder what's going on.  And I'm trying so hard not to let it get to me.

It may not seem like it, but I am making progress.  For starters, I used to obsess over the email thing all week.  I'd think about it every day and wonder.  Now, I only wonder the day that I normally get my email and the day I normally send him a response.  And I don't expect it other days either.  I can usually put it out of my head.  It's such a weird situation.

I want to be able to move on from this.  I'm doing a lot better than I used to.  And I really do feel like I'm healing.  I just wish I was completely healed at this point.  In my head I know that's not something that's going to happen overnight.  I need to give myself more time.  This is a person that I had close contact with for over a year.  It's the first biological family member I've ever met and who ever acted like they actually cared.  For all I know, him signing his name with "Love" might be the only thing that I ever really get from any of my biological family members.

Deep breath.  Positive thinking.  I'm not a fan of going through this every week.  I don't like feeling like I'm not good enough to email back once a week.  It's not a matter of him not knowing what to say.  I ask questions every week and give him something to write about.  And he does have a whole week to figure it out.

It's this time of year.  I contacted my first mother February 1st two years ago.  And I met my first father in the beginning of March last year.  I guess I've just been thinking about that a lot lately.  I should be getting an email today.  I didn't get one last week.  I didn't send my normal email this week.  I am proud of myself in some small way for not sending my email.  I was really tempted but I didn't.  We'll see what happens.