I don't consider it to be my family tree. In fact, if I haven't met people on the tree, then I don't consider them to be family. At all.. I never have, and I never will. Even before I starting dealing with adoption issues, I've never felt connected to them. Those people are in my parents' pasts, but not mine. It's interesting for them, but I just find it to be a good story.
When I did my own family tree on Ancestry.com, I felt bad about leaving them out. Classic adoptee guilt! Nobody said anything to me, I just internalized it. So I made one for each of my parents. Yes, I own four trees on that website. One's mine, one's Rudy's, one's my mom's, and one's my dad's. For my adoptive parents, I put in what I knew and worked from there. I didn't combine them because they don't have biological children to pass that tree onto. But I figured I could always give it to my cousins and they'd have their tree or at least half of it should they want it. I digress.
A few weeks ago I got an email that someone private messaged me on Ancestry.com. Ok, I thought. It was in regards to my a-dad's family tree. Which is public. Turns out this woman had a question about my great-grandmother. My great-grandmother was a peach. Not really. Somehow she grew up with an aunt and uncle. Nobody knows why that is. She refused to tell anyone. Nobody knew anything about her past and if they did, they aren't alive anymore. All we knew was that she ran off with the butcher boy so her aunt and uncle wouldn't send her to finishing school, had four kids, her only baby girl died, and her husband left her. She sent her boys off to work at a farm (my grandfather was three at the time) and eventually married the milk man. I kid you not. I recently learned that her uncle sent her an allowance every month of $40, which was a lot of money back then.
This person on Ancestry.com was confused because the records show her born to one family, but raised in another. Sounds an awful lot like adoption to me just without the name change. In fact, this person would have gotten it completely wrong had my great-grandmother's last name been changed on the records, which would have happened if she was formally adopted. Go figure.
So I private messaged the lady back and explained that yes, she had the right person and how all those people were connected. Never heard back. Rude.
So now that I was back on Ancestry.com after a short break (even though I still pay for it every month), I noticed my mom's family tree had a lot of hints. So I followed them. And then holy crap I made a discovery, or what felt like one. My mom has a very German maiden name. She's mostly Irish, but the last name is German. Turns out the name doesn't come from Germany but from Switzerland! I called my grandfather for confirmation and turns out he knew about it all along. I guess they just never talked about it. My dad knew (so my mom knew too) but the younger children in the family didn't. Because the name is famously German, nobody questioned it. So naturally I put it up on Facebook and invited everyone to view the tree. Because a lot of my cousins are about to get to that point where they need it for school. I'm nothing if not helpful.
No comments thus far on the fact that I didn't list my sister and myself on the tree. We don't belong there. I have my own. But it's not something that we discuss as a family. So I'm surprised that nobody chose to comment. I'm also pretty sure some of my cousins have no clue my sister and I are adopted. So I could see them scratching their heads.
It's a fun hobby. And I have a few more hints, and I was recently emailed about for Rudy's family tree. So I have some more fun research ahead of me. I love this stuff!
Jenn,
ReplyDeleteI proudly add myself to my adoptive family tree. The way I was raised, the values and customs, the way I think about money, etc. has everything to do with that family tree. It is a part of me. There are some great people on that tree, and I am happy to be part of it.
It sounds like you have some pretty great people on your adoptive family tree, including that spunky great-grandmother with whom you can identify with.
Researching family history, I have found, is a great way to feel more connected to my adoptive family. It's OK to be connected to more than one family. It's very refreshing for me. I have lots to be proud of.
Just my thoughts.
Meagan said:
ReplyDelete"I proudly add myself to my adoptive family tree."
Why she so PROUDLY kicks her natural mother and family in the teeth every chance she gets, especially out here in blog land...
I have compiled very extensive family trees for my adoptive family, too. But I did not put myself on their tree. It's GENEalogy. Meaning GENES.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how much we love our adoptive families, and no matter how many interesting family members THEY may have in their GENE pool, I don't swim in that same pool.
Adoptees will NEVER be genetically related to our adoptive families. To add myself onto their ancestral tree is a slap in the face to MYSELF and MY children and future grandchildren. I will never deny my children what society denied to me. I am proud of BOTH families, but I do not belong on my adoptive family's ancestral tree. I will never lie about my origins. We are part of our adoptive family's STORY, but not their tree.
Anon,
ReplyDeleteYou spelled my name wrong. You can do better than that. And quit picking on me, whoever you are. I'm not kicking anybody in the teeth. I'm tired of the Megan fault-finding game. Enough. I have not said anything disrespectful about my natural mother.
As an adoptee, I have had to integrate many parts of me. That's how I can become a whole person. It's a special challenge that some do not understand. To reject one or the other of my families would leave me a wounded person. So, please allow me to feel connected to my adoptive family, as well as my bio family. My name is on the back of my adoptive parents' tombstone, along with my other adopted siblings. I also inherited 25% of my parents' estate. I'll put myself on however many damn family trees I choose to.
And PLEASE quit trying to silence the adoptee narrative. My experiences, my thoughts, are mine. Jenn's post was about her experiences with her adoptive family tree, and I was sharing mine.
Of course my natural mother and father are my genealogy. I have researched my bio family tree. A few years into my adoption reunion I asked my birth mother to send me what she had on her family. I have a cookbook of her mother's recipes. In a few months I have it on my blog schedule to write about trying my bio-grandma's recipes.
I have been maligned quite enough in the blog world, thank you very much. It doesn't need to keep going.
I was added to my adoptive family tree by some distant relative who I have never met. It says (adopted) next to my name. That used to bug me but now I am glad it's there because, like Linda said, I do not share their genes & I want my son to know his true biological identity. I have never been interested in genealogy. Doing a family tree, even a basic one at school, used to upset me because I knew I didn't really belong on there. Then, for many years it bored me. Now, for the first time in my life, I think I might like to explore my natural family tree. Lucky I know at least one side of that family tree!
ReplyDeleteI agree, Megan- anon's post was pretty lame- at least get your name right. Good Lord.
ReplyDeleteIm not sure to whom you were speaking as far as "silencing the adoptee narrative" goes. Hopefully not me. Because I appreciate and respect all adoptee narratives, even if they are different than mine- no two adoptees have the same feelings about their adoption losses or experiences.
I don't tell adoptees how to feel. But I will tell them they are wrong if they insert themselves on someone else's genealogical tree. Because they are wrong. They are not genealogically connected, and never will be.
That is completely different than "feeling connected" to your adoptive family. Not placing yourself on their tree is not rejecting them- why would the truth be considered rejection? I don't understand that line of thinking.
I will be listed in my adoptive parents' obituaries, and they will be listed in mine. I will also include the names of my first parents in my obituary. (we dont do the tomb stone thing here) Acknowledging/honoring all of my parents is great. Lying about my DNA rejects ME.
@ Anon:
ReplyDeleteMegan feels however she feels for a lot of complex reasons. She rightly points out that it is a lot to integrate.
Megan has the absolute right to decide for herself how she feels about her own experience and that should not be interpreted as kicking anyone in the teeth. Her natural parents are obviously important to her, if you read her blog you will know that.
That doesn't mean reunion is easy or everyone sees things from the same point of view, but she should be cut some slack, she is dealing with something very profound with her own identity in the balance, no one elses.
You start to wonder who is kicking who here...
Joy
Linda,
ReplyDeleteYou weren't silencing the narative. I was referring to people like anon who launch personal attacks. Ridicule is one tactic to get people to either withdraw from a group or to conform to it.
You've never picked on me, though we disagree about several items. I guess I just don't view the family tree as only about DNA. I never have.
@Anon - hiding behind the Anonymous option, eh? Easier to launch attacks, I guess.
ReplyDeleteTo everyone else - is it an option to be on both trees? I'm an adoptive mom and want to be the best educated I can to help my adopted children the best I can. Whether it is through helping them know all they should, or by me knowing all I should to be the best support I can. I'm not adopted myself, so I don't know these thoughts & feelings.
Linda, I really like what you said here:
ReplyDelete"We are part of our adoptive family's STORY, but not their tree."
That's how I feel. I love my APs and feel very connected to them and to their brothers and sisters. I grew up very close to my aunts and uncles, and to some of my cousins. My amom is one of six, and my adad is one of five. I have something like 25 first cousins, and I don't know how many first cousins once removed, second cousins, etc. Too many to count. I am close to only a very small handful. I truly don't consider myself part of that family tree, although I am on that tree in a legal sense, because I don't share their genes, as Linda said. I doesn't mean I don't love them. Hell, I was engaged to marry one of them at one time!
I think it's up to individual adoptees to decide how and where they fit on any family tree; the more the merrier. I know I am not officially listed on any of my natural family's family trees, and my natural mother told me she has no interest at all in genealogy, but she is tickled by my own curiosity on that line. She has recently begun sharing some family stories with me, and I *love* that, especially when I hear things about female ancestors that sound a lot like myself.
Stay strong, Jenn! Megan, I don't have a lot of respect for people who snipe and cannot spell, but I think you do a great job of standing up for yourself in a powerful way. You are respectful, and that probably bothers people very much. They can scurry back to whatever dark corner and worry about their own problems.
Kristine- I think it is up to the adoptee. While I have complied family trees for my ap's, I did not list myself r my a brother on their tree, just their bio child, because, well, of biology. When I was in grade school, I had no choice but to list my a family on my family tree, and I hated it. It felt fraudulent and it made me angry that I had to turn in a paper which was based on a lie. I went to Catholic school, and lying was a huge no-no...but it's acceptable to lie in adopto-world. ;)
ReplyDeleteTo me, a "real", meaning official ancestral tree, means genetically related. I want my children to have an accurate record of their ancestors.
When my children were younger, I had them do 2 family trees in school, because we live in a very small community and I knew that if they did only their "correct" family tree, meaning their natural family, from my side, it would cause more trouble than it was worth. But there was no way I would allow them to only do their adoptive family tree (and yes, children of adoptees are basically adoptees, too) because that would not be truthful. That was many years ago, and if I had to do it all over again, I would tell them to just do their natural family tree.
It's semantics, really. I guess I am hung up on the genealogy thing because we have been told as adoptees, blood doesn't matter. But it does matter, just as the ties we have with our adoptive families matter. To me, one tie is no less or more important than the other. But- again, adoption did not change my DNA, only my name.
My a family is a very proud first generation Italian American family. The best gift I have ever given my a Mom was her family tree, along with a painting of the ship which carried her parents to America, and a brick at Ellis Island. But it was very bittersweet to give her those gifts, because at the time, I knew very little about my own ancestors.
It is also bittersweet because my a Mom does not consider my TRUE heritage (ancestry, whatever you want to call it) to be my own. She considers me to be Italian. I am not. I am almost 100% Irish. That hurts, because I am who I am, largely because of my DNA, too. I know that from being in reunion for almost 25 years. So, I won't budge on the family tree thing- not because I want to make a point, but because it is mine. I lost so very much through adoption, and I won't allow my accurate family tree to be taken from me, too.
Thanks, Megan. I know we don't agree on a few things, and that's ok. But I am seriously sick and tired of people giving you garbage via the lovely "anon" moniker because you tell YOUR story. I am proud of you for blogging, for what it's worth. You have thrown yourself right into the nasty fire. Stand your ground, girl!
I think it's really important for the sake of future generations that adoptees be listed as such on adoptive family trees so that biological ancestry can be traced accurately.
ReplyDeleteDue to my field of practice, I created a genogram for my daughther. A genogram can be viewed in the practice of mental health as an assessment tool to track family emotional isssues, cultural issues, patterns of interaction, etc. While yes it talks about heredity (GENEogram of course), in practice we use it less to investigate genealogy and more to explore a family's relationships and experiences (it is used differently in health settings. One can certainly inherit behaviors and interactional patterns from a non-blood relative.
ReplyDeleteOn a genogram there are ways of connecting people that indicate their relationships. Friends can also be placed on one's genogram.
So my daughter's genogram has both sides of her first families (I have very little info about her first father's side, but I am working on it). She is connected to us AND her fist parents. Ok, it's really wide already, and I have a lot to go.
Few, if any genealogists use genograms. I would laugh if someone suggested I make one for myself. Nope, I'll take a regular "classic" family tree, listing my genetic family.
ReplyDeleteI don't use my accurate/true family tree as a mental health tool, I use it to trace my ancestors. It's not about my adopters and how I interact with them- it's about my ancestry. It shouldn't be threatening to my adopters. They have theirs, I have mine.
Well, that's great but the fact of the matter is that most mental health issues are biologically inherited. Sure, they can be exacerbated by environment but our genes are really important which is why an accurate family tree is important. I won't deny that some people absorb their adoptive family traits, but some just don't. I am a carbon copy of my natural mum, and I truly believe that the things that I picked up from my afamily were already in my genetic make up. It seems like people are so quick to dismiss an adoptees' genetics when the rest of society is so hell-bent on finding their own - ancestry websites are doing a roaring trade, as are reality shows like Who Do You Think You Are? It would be nice if adoptees were allowed to keep our genes as sacred as everyone else does.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree, Erimentha. Good gravy- just give us our OBC's and leave our DNA alone, ffs.
ReplyDeleteI didn't mean to imply that I used (or anyone else should use) a genogram in lieu of a family tree. I did one because I have the software and it was an easy place o start. Genetics are absolutely important, and I will do all I can to help my daughter gain access to all HER history, genetic and otherwise. "I am a carbon copy of my natural mum, and I truly believe that the things that I picked up from my afamily were already in my genetic make up." This is a good point.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter's first mother has not told anyone about her. I have done all my research through social networking sites thus far-I've gotten so much information and 100s of photos- for all aunts and 8 cousins, 3 sisters, and one grandmothe. While I have limited contact with her first mom (her choice) I have been able to get important medical information as well as well as family social history. My daughter's DNA is so important, because it is the stuff she is made of. This does not threatening to me and I hope that she sees that and know I will help her in any way I can and in whatever ways she wants. She is only 3.
I am sorry if I pressed a sore spot, I can see why it would. I am always open to hearing froma nd learning from adoptees. The person I love most in the word is one.
That's good to hear, Trish. It is a sore spot for me and many adoptees I know- you know, the whole, "as if born to" thing has been rammed down our throats by society and in many cases, by our a family. Amanda over at The Declassified Adoptee has a great post about that mindset.
ReplyDeleteIm glad you are able to get some info for your little girl. It's too bad her first Mom has fallen into that secret trap. She's not only hurting herself, she's hurting that child. Have a happy Thanksgiving!
Thanks Linda, Happy Thanksgiving to you. She's also hurting her 3 young adult raised children, whom she is trying to "protect" from this loss of their baby sister. How ironic.
ReplyDeleteI cried when I received my daughters fake birth certificate in the mail, and they were not tears of joy. I find it disgusting that was done to her. Her first mom has her OBC. I've asked for it, I thik it belongs to our daughter.
I read Amanda's blog (yours too, Linda, every day, IP in NY) and learn more with each post and comment. I also read Jenn(obviously) my beloved Ms. Marginalia, Joy, Megan, Von, Campbell, and Mei Ling, and Lost Daughters. I think you all rock, and am so grateful you are all out there in blogoadoptoland. Seriously not trying to be a kiss ass, just truly grateful; there are far too many asshats in cyberville.
"there are far too many asshats in cyberville". Oh, Im going to like you!!! Asshat is one of my favorite words! ;)
ReplyDeleteI have 3 family trees and next year when the 1940 census is released I will make my fourth. For some reason I have created one for each parent. No idea why. I do have myself in each tree. I can spend countless hours on ancestry and then researching the place and era.
ReplyDeleteI've been sitting back and letting this go where it's going to. When I wrote this post, I really didn't think it was going to be so provoking. But that's the nature of the beast when blogging.
ReplyDeleteI was going to delete the first annon comment because honestly, I felt it took a cheap shot. And I don't like cheap shots. But before I could get to my computer, others came and furthered the conversation. So I left the comment up. I don't really like having to delete comments.
I think it's an interesting debate. And I welcome that here. I want everyone to say what they have to say. But I do not like drama from other blogs spilling over into my blog. I'm sorry, but whatever you thing Megan (and my pet peeve is spelling someone's name wrong when it's RIGHT THERE) did on another blog really isn't the debate here when she simply stated that she felt differently than me. Which is fine. We may not agree, but I didn't take it as disrespectful, otherwise I would have said something.
I personally think it's up to the adoptee as to if they are on the tree or not. But I do think they should be marked as such. I'm not talking about fifth grade projects. Those are not really important and the adoptee should be able to do whatever they want. That's the whole age-appropriate thing. But I don't believe that adoptees belong on a family tree unless they are marked as adopted. That's my personal opinion. I'm sure others would disagree (respectfully).