Basically, a first mother is talking to an adult adoptee who has not searched. She explains how things were for her and apparently it comes across that she loves her child (who she has now reunited with) and has some sort of mother/child relationship. It was very vague in this blog post and I wasn't able to find the post it was referring to. I realize I'm doing the same to my readers, so please forgive me.
Anyway, what followed were comments that the first mother should not have told the adult adoptee her story without telling him that not all mothers feel the same way she does. It was her responsibility to educate the adoptee about all first mother issues. Another point was made that there isn't just one story.
I agree, there isn't just one story out there. There are a lot of stories. There are a lot of different ways of looking at things. Even among adoptees, there is a spectrum. Some of us are happy we are adopted, some of us aren't. There isn't a right or wrong answer. It is what it is. I would guess it's the same for adoptive parents and first mothers. I'm sure there are first mothers who wish they had never places (I've read some of their blogs) and there are first mothers who are happy they have placed (I've read those blogs too, just less frequently because they are a bit too triggering for me). I'm sure there are adoptive parents who are thrilled they adopted (I like to think mine are some of them) while I know there are others who aren't (though they don't talk about it as often, I do have adoptee friends who have parents like this). We all have different perspectives and different experiences. It is up to us to share that or not.
What I do not agree with it the need for each person to put a disclaimer on everything that they say. I'm sorry, but if someone asks me about my reunion, I'm going to tell them my truth. I will not explain to whoever that "While some adoptees like me were happy they searched, there are others out there who don't want to search and never will". That's not my story. I will not speak for those adoptees. I would assume that whoever asks me for my story understands that I'm not speaking for everyone. That's why I use language like "me" and "I", not "we", "all", and "defiantly". I learned that lesson in school. Never use absolutes (I just giggled). If you ask to hear my story and I tell you, and you take it to be the whole truth, well, then that's on you. As a person you need to educate yourself.
Along those lines, when I was thinking about searching, I did a lot of research. I didn't just listen to one story of an adoptee who searched, found, and was happy, I listened to a number of stories of people from all sides of the spectrum. I read a lot of books, read a lot of blogs, and learned before I searched that everyone feels differently. I knew it was like throwing darts while blindfolded and praying to hit the target. If I didn't, that was my own fault.
I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to educate on the entire issue while telling their story. That first mother's story was her truth. She shouldn't speak for anyone else. She can tell the adoptee if she wants, "That's just my story however" but I don't think it's mandatory. I certainly don't tell people "Not all adoptees want to search" because I don't personally feel like I should speak for anyone else. I will tell people if I think they are looking for a more general answer that no two stories are the same, and to take it with a grain of salt. But that's when I have my education hat on. My education hat is never on when I tell my personal story. I don't think it has a place there.
Telling of my story is just that. MY STORY. Nobody else's. And it's not my responsibility to disclaimer that. As I mentioned in the comments:
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| My dog Roxy! |
Everything I say to another person is from my own perspective. I perceive the world in my own way, and nobody else will perceive things the exact same way. I don't put a disclaimer in every conversation I have because that's just not practical. I can see a mother talking about her experience. It's not her responsibility to education about all adoption issues.
While I 100% agree that you have to consider all different sides, and making generalizations is BAD, I'd would say that it's up to the adoptee to figure out the other side of it, not the first mother.
That's just my take on it. I think that a person should be able to share their own experiences without putting a disclaimer on them. It's a casual conversation after all (or at least that's what I'm assuming).
Though I guess it would matter if she told him that ALL first mothers feel this way. That would be a different situation. But if she's merely saying I feel this way, then no disclaimer needed."
I don't want to stir up drama, but I was really upset about this. I just don't think it's right for an adoptee (the blog author) to tell a first mother that it's on her to educate all adoptees. It's like saying we aren't smart enough to figure things out for ourselves. That was my take on it anyway. It almost seemed like this adoptee was urging mothers to tell their stories only if it was negative so that the adoptee won't search. Should people only be able to influence negatively? I know when I was thinking about searching, I wanted to hear about a variety of view points, not just one. Sometimes we have to take a step back from our agendas (even if that's blogging about adoption from a "pro" position) and realize that you can't have it one way or another. This first mother was telling her truth. The adoptees mother might feel the same way. She might not. He should get to hear both sides of the story before deciding to search or not. And I doubt one first mother is going to sway him one way or another. I doubt that one story is going to make him rush into a reunion and he will look back later in life and blame all of his problems on this first mother. If he does, well then there's just something not quite right there.
Where do you think the responsibility lies?
I think my responsibilities lie only with my daughter. However, you know that I do offer support to adoptees cause I want to hear their stories but it's not something that I feel like I have to do cause I owe it to someone.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you were really upset by my post. I was vague and didn't link for the same reasons as you. It was just striking to me and I wanted to write about it. I really did think about that adoptee and how he'd process what he was told and actually thought her story could serve as a deterrent to searching. I don't think and didn't mean to imply that adoptees are incapable of reasoning, I am just aware of people who wished they'd been more informed before searching. Like, they wished they'd known that there was a chance their mother didn't want contact. You couldn't be more wrong when you say that I was urging mothers to only tell their stories if it was negative. I am even more concerned when a mother presents too positive of a picture, "all mothers love their children, think of them every day, regret giving them up etc.". Anyway, sorry to have upset you. Not my intent. Just my take on a post and how my way of talking about being adopted has changed since I started blogging and reading adoption related blogs. To answer your question, I do feel the responsibility lies with me to present as well rounded a scenario as I'm capable of.
ReplyDeleteI believe that education is important. When you choose to ask another for their story, you choose to hear ONLY their story. So, like you, if I tell my personal story, I am talking about me. But if I ask for another persons story, I accept that it is ONLY their story. If you want the whole story, you have to accept that all the stories are valid.
ReplyDeleteI don't buy all the hoopla of being a "happy" or "unhappy" adoptee or mother. We are all different and it is sad that the diversity that is so important to humanity, to life, is not realized here.
I totally agree that a person can't insist that others follow their agenda. We all have our own little bubble in life.
I kind of feel sorry for the adoptee that feels that they are so "happy" that any other adoptee can't be both "happy" and "sad" and that can't be the truth. The same goes for mothers. It shows that agendas remain the same, selfish and self-serving.
Adoption is a continuum, today's happy adoptee may be the next decades angry or wounded adoptee.Just as the story is not the same for all of us although there are those who try to make it so, adoption is different for all of us at different times.
ReplyDeleteI have a big problem with the mothers who like to inform adoptees they are loved and wanted and tell them generalisations which may be true for some but are proven not to be true for others.It is a potentially damaging thing to do.
I am happy to tell my story and I will often refer to 'we' adoptees providing I have heard from others that they feel or think the same or have had a similar experience.It is important for us to know we are not alone, freaks and unusual in what we experience.