I've Got A Problem

I've decided to make some changes in my life.  I can't let my life get back to that point again.  I just won't let it happen.  So that means that I've got some work to do.  I still don't know about my sister situation, but I'm making these changes for me.  I need to be more in control, more the captain of my own ship type of thing.  And the first step to making changes so that my life gets better is to figure out where things went so wrong before.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this.  Because things got ten times worse after my birthday.  So then I thought about my wonderful visit.  And it was wonderful.  But my first father threw me for a loop, and he brought up my first mother.  And what a wonderful person she is.  Which prompted me to reread her first few emails.  Which sent me further into a tail spin.  And I think I found my issue.

I want to meet my first mother.  I've always wanted to meet her.  I've always wanted to just sit down and talk to her.  See her in person.  Hear her voice.  I don't care what we talk about, I just want to talk to her.  I want to fill in those missing pieces that emails just don't fill.  I've always known this.

But here's what I figured out.  I want to meet her while my mom is still alive.  I want to be able to go home to my mom and know that it all worked out in the end.  I want that support from my mom, who's always been there for me.  I need my mom to be there for me, even if she can't come and meet my first mother with me like she always promised she would.

I don't know how much time my mom has left.  It could be a year, it could be ten years from now.  She could die tomorrow if she suffers another complication.  Then again, we all could get hit by a bus tomorrow (or even today).  My point is, this whole "You'll get to meet everyone, it just might take some time" thing isn't working out very well for me.  It's a marathon and not a sprint, but this one thing just seems so big and so important.  It feels like I've already run three marathons and ended on the last mile without finishing.

I want to meet my first mother and I want to meet her within the next year.  That's just not going to happen.  Once again, I'm getting the short end of the stick here.  At least now I've figured out my problem.  I just need to figure out what to do about it.  I need to find a way to not let it get me down again.  I need to find a way to put it behind me and move on.  Some dreams just aren't meant to come true.  Then again, you never know...