The Cycle Could Continue

Something that has always struck me was when one member of the "Triad" (stupid name, makes me think of a gang) participates in adoption as second time around.  They continue the cycle so to speak.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing; I'm choosing to withhold judgement.  I do think that an adoptee would make a better adoptive parent in that they in theory should understand what the adoptee is going through.  Rebecca over at Love Is Not a Pie is someone who comes to mind.  Another part of me wonders though if every adoptee things about adoption differently (of this I am convinced) then who's to say that an adoptee adoptive parent won't force their views on an adoptling?  It could happen.  Anyway, that is why I withhold judgement.  I can see pros and cons.  Moving on....

So it's an interesting concept.  And something that I think about from time to time.  I don't know enough about it.  And then I was rereading some old emails and letters and something that NeverTooLate emailed me stopped me dead in my tracks.

"[The girls] both say they don’t want to get married.  The funny thing is that they both talk about adopting a baby and not having one the other way."

Interesting.  Very interesting.  My sisters both talk about adopting a baby.  Now, the first thing that came into my head is that they were 12 and 15 at the time.  What 12 year old wants to get married?  I probably said the same thing at that age.  But I keep thinking about how that conversation must have gone down in their house.  How painful it must have been for NeverTooLate to have that conversation and know that she was hiding a huge adoption secret from them.  What could have been a teachable moment was instead probably an uncomfortable one.

My sisters, my full biological sisters who do not know how adoption has already touched their family, might continue the cycle without realizing it.  They might adopt without knowing that they have a sister they lost through adoption.  Because they did lose.  Those two girls lost the older sister they could have grown up with.  They lost having a big sister to cheer them on when they accomplished things, like KungFuPanda's acceptance into college this week, or Sandlot's softball win last year.  They lost having someone with a similar personality hanging around the house.  KungFuPanda lost dating advice and Sandlot lost someone to share her favorite candy with (again, arguably better for her that way -- more candy for her!).  No matter what way you look at it, they lost something because of adoption.  Would they feel the same way about adopting if they knew that?

Would they see a child who is a blank slate, or would they be more likely to see the family behind the child who lost the ability to raise them?  Would they see the need for a child (not the old fashioned way) or would they see a child who had a need for a family?  Would they feel differently about the whole thing?  I'm guessing probably.

I hope they know about me before it gets to that point.  I hope I've had the opportunity to talk to them and to be a part of their lives by the time they start thinking of having children.  I hope that by getting to know me, and learning about the loss in their own lives, they may start to see that adoption is not black and white.  While I would support my sisters in anything, even if I didn't approve, I would hope they would understand that their family has suffered, and take that into consideration.  If they chose to adopt, I would hope it was because they truly needed to, rather than because they just didn't feel like having kids "the other way".