Should Ask Questions

These are questions that maybe I don't get asked, but should be asked.  A lot of people don't ask the important questions so I'm going to make a list and answer them.  I asked fellow adoptees what they think as well and I think it's a great list of questions.  Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

Q: How do you feel about adoption?

This question never gets asked and I think it's because nearly everyone assumes they know how adoptees feel.  I would say the majority of people assume that adoptees are thrilled about their adoption (because we should be grateful we were saved).  There is a group that assumes adoptees are unhappy about this adoption (I've had someone say "I'm sorry" when told I was adopted and I read that lots of adoptive parents get comments all the time).  I know that there are people out there who don't think they know everything (so I apologize if you belong to that tiny tiny group) but the vast majority make assumptions.  I make assumptions all the time.  Sometimes (most of the time) I assume wrong.  It happens.  Anyway, people very rarely ask this question, and I wish they would.

A: My answer is complicated.  I am neither happy, not upset.  On one hand, I have a lot of issues that come along with my adoption.  I never knew where I came from.  That messed with me as a kid.  My adoptive parents never understood me.  I grew up not looking like anyone.  And I have never met the woman who gave birth to me.  These things are something that I would never wish on anyone.  So I'm not "happy" I was adopted.  On the other hand, I do have an amazing adoptive family.  They love and support me no matter what.  And I had a different childhood growing up with them.  While I'm not like my adoptive parents, they still taught me some valuable lessons and I know that I get my moral code from them.  They are great people and I love them very much.  So I'm not upset about that.  I think for me, I feel robbed and cheated.  I am upset about the institution of adoption.  My name was taken away from me.  The identity of my first parents was hid from me and sealed away, and I was never given proper medical information.  That's just wrong!  So it's complicated.  But I'd still love to answer this question because I'm sure that some people would be surprised by the answer.

Q: How is your reunion going?  What's that been like?

I don't get asked this question a lot when I tell people I'm in reunion.  It's funny to me because those would be the FIRST questions I'd ask if I heard someone was in reunion.  I'd want to know how things were.

A: My reunion with my first father is going great.  We talk on the phone every week (mostly), we're getting to know one another, and we have met twice (and will hopefully meet up again at some point soon).  I can't imagine going back to not knowing.  I'm a different person in that before I used to fight who I was at the core of my being.  I was really upset and felt I wasn't "good enough" for my adoptive parents because I wasn't like them.  I'm not like the majority of my extended family, and it was very hard for me growing up.  Knowing someone who clearly I share a lot of personality traits with is fantastic and has helped me to accept who I am to a degree I never imagined possible.

At the same time, it can be extremely frustrating.  I get frustrated at myself for over-analyzing.  Haven't heard from him in a few days?  I must have screwed up.  Nope, his computer has a virus and he's been busy.  It has NOTHING to do with me.  Yet I freak out over it.  It can be frustrating for me because more than anything I want to not only meet my first mother, but to have some sort of relationship with her.  That's not in the cards for us as far as I can tell (now anyway) and I have to deal with that.  But it's still something that I think about from time to time, especially when particular songs come on the radio.

Q: Do you have your OBC and if not, what can I do to help?

Most people don’t know what an OBC is.  They have no clue that there are Americans who are bared from this document.  And they have no clue that they can even help.  It would be amazing if they knew what it was and knew to ask about it.  What would be even more amazing is if BCs were never sealed to begin with and this was a non-issue.  I'm a dreamer, what can I say?

A: I do not have my OBC.  I live in a tiered state (thanks Massachusetts!) and I was born in a blackout year.  So that's amazing and wonderful.  Not really.  Anyway, what you can do is write to your local representative and let them know that the practice of sealing birth certificates is WRONG.  You can let them know that you don't agree that keeping information from ADULT AMERICANS is the right thing to do.  If enough people started to educate themselves on OBC issues, I think it's pretty clear that things would change.  The majority of Americans don't know about OBCs.  I didn't a year ago and I'm someone with a ABC.  I also think that adoptive parents need to be more aware of this as well.  I think they need to be the ones to help push through new laws that give all adult adoptees full access to their birth documentation.

Q: Have you had problems without an accurate family medical history?

A: Yes.  I've had a bunch of problems with this.  I have an undiagnosed medical condition, and a huge part of that is that without a medical history, it's very hard to diagnose me.  I have some of my information now which was able to confirm some ideas and discredit a few others, but at least its something.  I've had to learn to deal with it and hopefully it won't be a huge issue in the future.

Q: What is your preferred adoption language?

A: I prefer to call the family I am genetically related to as my first family.  My language choice has changed over the years.  I was always raised to call them my "birthparents" but I dislike this term because I have a problem saying "birthfather".  He didn't give birth to me.  I don't like that.  I like natural, but I think I like first best.  Though at times I will call them my biological family because I think most people get what I'm talking about.  "First father?  What's that?" is an annoying response to get and I don't want to take the time to explain so I just say my biological father.  Saves me from using the other b word.

My other parents, the one's who raised me are my adoptive parents.  I only use this language when talking about adoption however.  They are my parents the rest of the time, no qualifiers.  I hate qualifiers, but sometimes when dealing with adoption you don't have a choice.

My new thing is to call my adoptive father my dad (he raised me) and my first father my father (he technically is the man who gave me half my DNA).  I find dad more familiar and father more clinical.  I do reserve the right to change this at any time though! :-)