Wish I Could Fast Forward

Fast Forward Please?

I can't help but feeling that things are changing once again.  There's been a lot of changes in my life lately, including today when I head over to my cousin's wedding, the first cousin to be married (on my adoptive mom's side anyway).  One change is that we got new furniture for our family room and kitchen so our whole living space looks different.  Another change is that my friends have jobs now so I see them less often.  And my adoptive sister has moved back home and is causing problems again.  Though the problems part isn't a change, her living back at home is.  My stress level has gone through the roof because I can't handle the toxic environment in that house.  Everyone hates each other.  I swear, it's so bad you could cut the tension with a knife.  I digress...

My reunion feels like it's changing.  There's talk of me potentially being let out of the closet a little bit.  I really don't want to get my hopes up.  A few months ago, I would have been absolutely thrilled at the idea of anyone finding out about me.  I would have been so thrilled to feel like I was moving forward in some way.  But right now, I can't imagine any other changes in my life.  What if my family, who for now doesn't know about me, doesn't want to meet me?  What if they are so hurt by the whole thing they don't want to deal with me?  Then because they know about me, it's really up to them when to get in touch with me.  So I have to have the idea of reunion floating over my head?

I don't want to sound whiny.  That's not my intention.  It's just that when I've entered into a reunion relationship with someone new (and so far it's only been two people), it's been all consuming.  It's all I can think about for days.  I write and rewrite emails.  I ponder over every message, every picture.  I wonder where things are going to go.  And I can't help but think about how things could end so badly.  It's stressful and amazing all at the same time.  On one hand I get to know my family, something that I've always wanted.  Missing puzzle pieces aren't so missing anymore.  And I am a new person now that I finally feel like I have a background I can be proud of.  But at the same time, I've got so much on my plate right now.  So so much.

All of these changes keep happening and I have no control over it.  I know that if I asked SinginInTheRain for some space, he'd back off ASAP.  I know he would.  I still might not be a secret, but I could request for some more time before starting to build any new relationships.  But we all know that I would never forgive myself if I did that.  And we all know that's not going to work for me.

So it looks like I'm going to have to get on board and deal with this now.  I'm going to have to organize my life in such a way that I can deal with a possible new reunion (or two) within the next month.  Who knows?  It could go wonderfully.  A lot of times I go back and reread my posts where I had a minor flip out and I can't help but laugh because I was worried over nothing.  I'm hoping that this turns out to be nothing.

At the same time, nothing is set in stone.  Plans could change.  Plans probably will change.  More likely, Thanksgiving break will come and go and it won't be any different.  I also don't think that I'd even be told if the possibility of telling is put off.  I think it would just be glossed over.  I'd have to ask, and how does one ask about that?  Can you imagine it?  "Hey um, so you mentioned before that I wasn't going to be a big secret anymore, just maybe a medium sized secret.  Um, yeah, so how's that going?"  Pretty sure if I have to ask, I'm going to do it just like that! ;-)

To end this post on a good note, my life could change for the better.  It really could.  I could end up with a new relationship that makes my life better.  It could be amazing.  It could be the start of something that will continue for the rest of my life.  A wonderful thing.  Maybe that's why I'm so scared.  Because right now I can dream of that.  Come this time next month, I may know if it's not going to come to pass.  Sigh.  Wish life has a fast forward button sometimes!