Truth Challenge: Day 30

Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Jenn,

You are an amazing person. Don’t let anyone try to tell you differently. You deserve the world and you deserve to be treated the way you treat others.

You haven’t always had it easy, but you’ve managed to come out somewhat intact. You persevered, made some hard decisions, and did so with grace. You constantly put others first and try to help them work through their own issues before dealing with yours. You are a great listener and a good friend. You truly care about others, something that will help you in life.

You love to laugh and laugh often. It’s a great quality. You smile when you walk by others. It might make a difference in someone’s day. You have a strong handshake, a confident air, and a friendly personality. It will take you far in life.

You have a wonderful family and a great group of friends. They are a part of you and a great part of who you are.

You are a strong, independent young woman with a whole future ahead of you. You have a good head on your shoulders and you know how to use it. You are going to do just fine.

--Jenn

Truth Challenge: Day 29

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to someday be able to let go of control.  I worry about a lot of stuff and I overanalyze all the time because I need to feel like I’m in control.  I’m pretty sure I know where it comes from.  I never had a choice in anything.

First, my natural parents made the choice to give me up.  They gave me away without me having any control over it.  I was an innocent baby who was given away to strangers who I didn’t know.  I knew my natural mother.  I lived in her for nine months.  Studies have been done; newborns know their mothers.  I didn’t have a choice; I was given away and given this life.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and I’m glad that they are my family.  But there are still things that I had to deal with and continue to deal with that I wish I didn’t have to because of my adoption.  And I know that it’s easier to believe that I would have had issues no matter what, but then why do I identify so exactly with other adoptees and not with non-adoptees?

When I was growing up, my adoptive parents were the ones who got to make the decisions.  It wasn’t as explicit, but I learned that as I got older, it was taboo in my house for me to ask questions or bring up my adoption.  I felt like I was reprimanded every time I tried to bring it up.  I remember writing an article for the school paper in 8^th grade about my adoption where I described some of my fantasies (like that I could have a twin, or my parents could be famous, really basic/general stuff) and my mom reprimanded me about it.  I had to take that section out of the article because she told me it wasn’t true.  I didn’t have a choice.  I felt like I couldn’t talk about it or she would get upset and then my dad would get upset.

When it came time for me to search, it was something I was called to do.  I didn’t really have a choice.  I couldn’t sleep, I lost weight, and I had no interest in anything.  I obsessed over the decision.  I finally searched because I needed sleep.  I needed to be able to sleep through the night and I knew the only way was to find them or at least give it my best shot.  Again, didn’t really have much of a choice.

I have major control issues.  And I need to get over it.  I need to be able to move on.  I’m making progress.  I’m starting to let things go a bit easier.  I need to learn how to sit back and let things happen without trying to control every detail.  Some situations it’s needed, but in most it’s not and I’ll be happier if I can let it go.

ETA - Apparently this did not post when it was supposed to.  Sorry about that!

Truth Challenge: Day 28

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Wow. It all depends doesn’t it? If I got pregnant tomorrow, I’d be pretty mad at myself because I don’t feel ready to have kids yet. However, I’ve succeeded at not getting pregnant too early as a friend explained last year. By the time I’d have the kid, I’ll be graduated with my two degrees, and therefore, in a position where if I can at least get some sort of job I’d be ok.

I’d go home and tell my parents. I’d tell them I was excited about it. I’d never refer to it as a mistake. And I’d let my parents get on board. If they weren’t, then that’s their lost. I’d try to find a job, and if that failed, then I’d do side jobs. I’d do contract work. In my field, you can get away with that and I know several people who did.

I would never give my baby up. I don’t think I could willingly do to another person what was done to me. I could never create these problems for someone else. And I learned through NeverTooLate’s mistakes that you should never try to hide a baby. It has to come out and become a person at some point.

Ultimately, I’d be happy. I’m hoping that this does happen to me some day, and that I’m ready for it when it does. I would love to have children and I’m excited for that time in my life. I want to wait though for a bit until I know I am more prepared. I want to experience being young and carefree. I want to get married first because that’s important to me. I want to have a place to live and to be financially stable first. These things though are nice-to-haves not need-to-haves.

Truth Challenge: Day 27

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

I feel like I have my entire life ahead of me. I don’t know what I want to “do” yet and I’m excited to graduate and to start figuring it out. I have so much potential and there are so many paths I could take. I can get a job in another city, I can get a job near home, I can settle down, I can travel the world, or a number of other things. I can pick my friends, start a family, and do all of the things that other people are experiencing right now. I can make my dreams come true. I will do it to. I have faith that my dreams will come true. And if they come true, it’s going to be because I’m me, not because of anyone else.

I’ve just started my reunion journey although at times a year can feel like forever. I have two sisters who are going to find out about me in the future. It’s going to be hard, and I’m sure there are going to be times when I’m frustrated, hurt, and angry, but at the end of the day, I’ll have two more sisters. They may want nothing to do with me and I’ve considered it as a possibility. I’ve even blogged about it. But they might want me for their sister. And to be honest, that makes me excited. I’m beyond caring at this point if it hurts my adoptive sister’s feelings. She needs to get over it. I also will hopefully someday have the chance to meet my natural grandparents, learn my family history, explore my ethnic background, and get to know my family in a way I never thought I could. I have time to do these things (well, maybe not with my grandparents but that’s another story for another day). I have all of this going for me right now. I have the world at my feet, or at least that’s what it feels like on good days.

I have so much ahead of me. I know it won’t always be easy, and it’s going to be hard. There will be days when I don’t want to get out of bed. There will be days that I want to jump up and down for joy. It’s a rollercoaster, and I plan on enjoying the ride.

Truth Challenge: Day 26

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Once I nearly gave up. I was in high school, junior year, and I just couldn’t deal anymore. I was struggling to keep up, wasn’t feeling well, and felt like there was too much pressure to keep up with everything. It was more of a feeling that I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I barely went to school, told everyone I was sick, and stopped talking to my friends.

It’s funny, but my best friend and I were fighting at the time, and she’s the one who pulled me out of it. My mom tried but I didn’t want to talk to her. She let it go pretty easily when I told her that I just didn’t feel good. I figured that nobody really cared. Then I was walking in a stairway in my high school (I can still see it in my head and I’ve blocked out so much of high school) when my best friend came up to me. She asked me if I was ok. She told me that I didn’t seem happy lately, and that she was there if I needed her. Just the act of her reaching out was enough to pull me out of the funk I was in.

There are people who have dealt with depression that was a lot more serious than anything that I ever dealt with. I have a lot of respect for those people who find a way to keep going. This wasn’t anything big, didn’t last very long, but I’ve always remembered my friend and her compassion. She reached out and I’m grateful to her for looking out for me. I’ve tried to be that friend for others based on her example. It reminds me of the saying that you should smile because you never know what it means to the person you are smiling at.

Truth Challenge: Day 25

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

I’m alive today because of my family and friends, the people who I am closest to in life. They keep me going, they keep me sane, and they are always there for me even when sometimes I don’t think I deserve it. I’m not always the easiest person to deal with but they stick with me for reasons I can’t explain.

I’ve been very blessed in this life and I’ve been lucky to have the opportunities that I’ve had. I’m also very lucky that I have the mother I do. It’s terrifying to have a group of doctors come into a hospital room and tell you that you may have a disease that has a thirty percent mortality rate at the age of 21. I was terrified, but I had my nurse mother next to me who was able to tell me that they were full of c-r-a-p and not to worry about it. My mother fought for me when I was sick and got me the best care I could have. Turns out, the doctors were full of crap after all and I’m still here! Yay!

Having a mother who made me wear a helmet while sledding, wouldn’t allow me to jump on a trampoline, or do anything that is slightly dangerous may have been frustrating but I have yet to break a bone (knock on wood) and I’ve survived. I only have a few scars and most of them are from me being stupid when my mother wasn’t around to stop me.

I probably would still be alive without my mother, but I chose to think that I wouldn’t be as scar free, broken bone free, or less terrified about my health issues if she wasn’t my mother. My mommy rocks.

Truth Challenge: Day 24

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

I was honest so this one's over at http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/03/16/truth-challenge-day-24/

Truth Challenge: Day 23

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

Seeing as I’m not even 25 yet, I still have lots of time to do lots of things. However, I can’t experience things as a child anymore. So I guess there are a few things I wish I had done.

I wish I had played hooky one day. I was too uptight and didn’t want to break the rules when I was in school. I wish I had stood up to bullies. I wish I had been a better friend and hadn’t pushed people away. I wish I had a better high school experience.

I wish I remembered Disney World. I wish we had gone back when I was a bit older so I could have done the roller coasters. I wish we had taken more vacations and travelled more. I love to fly and I didn’t learn that until I was 18.

I wish I had taken horseback riding lessons before I figured out I was afraid of horses. I wish I had faced that fear when I had the chance, instead of insisting I get off the horse.

I wish I had called my grandfather the last week he was alive when I had the chance. I wish I had told him where I was going to college. I wish he had the chance to meet my boyfriend, someone I know he would have loved.

Alas, I can’t go back and change things, but I have the rest of my life to do all of the other things I want to accomplish in life. I’m sure some of the things will get put off, never to be accomplished, so I’ll have to redo this list after I’ve lived some more life and have time to have more regrets!

Truth Challenge: Day 22

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wish I didn’t spend most of my high school days obsessing over boys. I spent a good chunk of my high school years in love with one boy or another, and this boy was always the kind of guy who didn’t know my name. Finally I started obsessing over a boy who did know my name (baby steps) but at that point I was a bit desperate. I wasted so much energy and time; looking back on it I wish I could go back and do it all over again. Then again, that would mean facing all the crap that happened and I don’t think I’d survive another time around.

My poor friends had to deal with me analyzing every conversation, every look, and every interaction. This boy senior year didn’t say much (I like the quiet types) but we would go over every word he said trying to figure out what he meant by everything. Then again, I did the same with them. Maybe that’s why I’m not really friends with the people I hung out with in high school anymore. Something to ponder.

Anyway, nothing good ever came from obsessing over boys. I found a great guy when I stopped looking, stopped obsessing, and stopped trying so hard. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t waste college the way I felt I wasted high school and that I would wait and start dating after I was at least a sophomore. I stopped looking and met my perfect guy the first week of school. But I had made that promise so I didn’t obsess, I didn’t analyze, and I didn’t pursue. I just had fun hanging out with him. And he asked me out a week later. I wasn’t going to turn down a good thing when I saw it!

We can’t go back and change things but I’ve learned not to waste energy and time on things that are out of my control and that in the end probably won’t matter. I’ve learned to focus on things that are in my control and to sit back as much as I can and let things happen. It’s worked for me so far and hopefully will happen in the future!

Truth Challenge: Day 21

Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

I’m starting to really hate these questions. I’ve come this far though…

Ok, if it’s a minor accident, I’d call her up on the phone. The first thing I’d ask is if she’s alright. Hopefully she’d say yes, and then I’d ask if she needed anything or if she’d like me to come over. Once I’ve established that she’s alright, I’m either in my car on the way over with whatever she needs, or I’m still on the phone going to ask her again if there’s anything I can do to help in the situation. After all of that, I’d ask if we could talk about our fight. I’d tell her that I’m sorry that we weren’t agreeing on things, but that I don’t want to lose our close relationship over a silly fight and could be please discuss what happened? When I get into fights, I usually need time to cool off before I can have a productive conversation but I have a feeling I’d be cooled off after an accident. Hopefully we’d be able to work it out now that I can rationally talk things through and if not, and then at the very least I’d hope we could agree to disagree.

Let’s say that it’s a bad accident. I’d be at the hospital waiting with her family and I’d ignore the fight until she was able to talk about it, something that I would leave up to her to bring up. I’d pretend it didn’t happen and focus on getting her better. Fights are usually over stupid stuff that doesn’t really matter anyway.

If something happened and I was never able to apologize, I’d be upset at first, but eventually I think I’d know that because she was my best friend, she knew that I loved her and that fight or no fight, I was sorry for hurting her.

Of course, I’m making a lot of assumptions and that’s why I hate this question/scenario. The next few questions look like not so much fun… No wonder it’s just one a day!

Truth Challenge: Day 20

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Yeah, this one's over at http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/03/12/truth-challenge-day-20/

Truth Challenge: Day 19

Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

I believe that faith is amazing and that religion is a gateway to faith. I think that religion in general can be a bit too intense for me and I don’t always agree with my own religion. I don’t like organizations (like the Church) who dictate to people how to act while being hypocritical (can you say Boston Sex Scandal?). But taking the Church out of it, I’m a big fan of my faith.

I will not debate religion or faith with you. I won’t go there. I don’t pretend to be an expert. I have not read the Bible (yet) but I know what I feel in my heart to be true, and I know what I believe in. Your views are not going to change mine. I’ve been through some pretty dark stuff, and I couldn’t have made it through without my faith. You may think it makes me weak, but some of the strongest people I know have the strongest faith in God than anyone I have ever met.

You may think I’m crazy, you may think I’m weak, you may think I’m stupid, but in reality, I just don’t care. My faith is something that NOBODY can take away from me. You can take away a lot of things from me, but that is one of the few things that I will have forever.

When it comes to politics, you can have them. I’m an American, but I know I do not live in a democracy and if you think we do, you’re wrong. We live in a republic. So I don’t pretend to think that I can make a difference in a larger political scene. It’s other people that we have to let decide our fate, and we just get to pick the people, who I never know and therefore never trust. I’ve been railroaded too many times to put any faith in politicians. Cynical much? Yup! That’s why I don’t deal with politics.

Truth Challenge: Day 18

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

I think gay marriage is great! I don’t have a problem with it at all. I don’t get what the big deal is. I don’t see it as a problem. It’s not damaging to society. We have lots of things that are much more against what maybe should or shouldn’t be that society accepts. There are so many other issues out there that people should be concerned over. Why ban people from marriage when half of marriages end in divorce. Isn’t that a bit more concerning?

I don’t think that you can limit people in what they want to do. I don’t think it’s fair. If you want to be a free country, then everyone needs to be free. There shouldn’t be a clause that says you are free to live like everyone else unless you are gay, different colors, adopted, or whatever. I don’t think it’s fair.

If you want to get married, then go for it and good luck to you. I’m going to assume you’re an adult and that you have the ability to make your own decisions, regardless of what the government tries to tell you to do. Adults should get to make those decisions for themselves.

Truth Challenge: Day 17

Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

When I started to come out of the fog, I did as much research online as I could in order to educate myself. Actually, now that I think about it, I started doing this research long before I came out of the fog. There are a number of books that have been published about adoption and I shied away from them for a long time. I heard about some of the big adoption books out there, “Primal Wound” being the one I heard about most. I have a confession to make. I never read it. I read the article and didn’t agree with it so I never read the whole book.

While I didn’t agree with “Primal Wound” I think that there are probably valid points in it and I started to look at other books to read regarding the subject. I read a reunion book which was great to provide a roadmap, but I needed something more. I ended up getting and reading “Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience” by Betty J. Lifton PhD. I read it in about three days during my finals and a busy time at work. This means I had no time to read at work or after work because I was in class. So I pretty much stopped sleeping and I didn’t care.

I never bought into the whole psychological argument that adopted kids were different from other kids. I didn’t see myself as damaged because I failed to mourn my natural mother. However, there were so many things in this book that spoke to my soul. I had a highlighter and I figured I’d highlight things I identified with so I could find them again. I had highlighter on almost every page. There were parts that I didn’t identify with, but they were a minority. Lifton spoke about the guilt, the fantasies, the shame, and the uncertainty. She spoke of the lack of identity, the importance of knowing where you come from, and the failure to identify with being born. Heavy stuff.

This book really opened my eyes and made me realize the most important thing. I wasn’t alone. There are 7 million other adopted Americans out there. Adoptees make up 2-3% of the American. While it may be a small number compared the rest of the US population, it is still a great thing to know that there are others out there who do feel the way I do, generally speaking that is. It just made sense to me that there are others out there who psychologically come from the same place as me, generally speaking that is.

Truth Challenge: Day 16

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

It took me a while to figure out what I was going to write about for this truth. There are a lot of things that make my life complicated and there are things that at the time I wish I didn’t have to deal with, but usually when I look back I realize that I learned something and that I have to get through all of the bad stuff in order to be the person that I am today.

With that being said, I could definitely live without all of the judgments that people have put on me. I could live without the pity. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, let me explain. I haven’t been “out of the fog” for very long. I’m a newbie when it comes to this stuff, but I’m a fast learner. I’ve been reading and posting comments on other blogs and I’ve joined a few online communities. I’ve started to notice some things and the things I’ve noticed have been backed up by people who have been blogging and speaking out against closed records for longer than me.

I’ve noticed that whenever I speak about opening records or make a comment that someone sounds a bit naive (and lots of people are), I get comments back. Most of those comments are from non-adoptees, civilians as I’ve heard them called before, saying that I should be grateful for my life. Sometimes other adoptees claim in and say that they are happy about their life and that they pity me for having a bad experience. This is so frustrated because I did not have a bad experience. I have a great family, a wonderful family, and I’m getting to know my natural father like I never could have dreamed possible. This is my life and I love it. It’s not always easy but life isn’t supposed to be easy.

I don’t presume to speak for all adoptees. I think it’s great that some people are so happy about their situations. Good for you! I used to be one of those people. I’m not speaking for you, I’m speaking for me. I have a voice, an opinion, and I want to share that. Some adoptees still feel the need to attack. However it makes me think that there’s some serious denial there if you feel like you have to attack me. Can’t we just agree to disagree? I respect people who recognize that not everyone is in love with the fact that not everyone has a good experience but still would have preferred to be adopted. These are people who see both sides and make an educated decision. I love those people. It’s all about the educated decisions.

To wrap this post up, I could live without the judgments and the pity that come with speaking about an issue that affects me the way it does. People don’t have to agree with me, but I wish they would respect me enough to hear what I’m saying and agree to disagree.

Truth Challenge: Day 15

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

This one is easy! I can’t live without Chocolate. I’ve tired. Being the good Catholic girl that I am, I once tried giving up this tasty treat for all 40 days of Lent. That meant no chocolate milk, no Oreos, no M&Ms, no Hersey bars, no chocolate pudding, no chocolate anything. I am proud to say that I did manage to do it for 40 days and I didn’t cheat, BUT I don’t think I could ever do it again.

I’m sure some of you are wondering why I don’t have something more meaningful. I’ll tell you why. Chocolate is yummy. It tastes good! I used to hate it, but now I can’t live without it. No matter how bad my day is, I always have chocolate waiting for me at home. When the first taste hits my tongue, all my other worries disappear. I can forget about life for a while and just enjoy eating my chocolate. I don’t care that it’s not good for me, I don’t care that there are better things, and I don’t care that people will probably take this more seriously.

I need my chocolate. End of story.

Truth Challenge: Day 14

Day 14: A hero that has let you down (letter)

Dear Oprah,

I know that a lot of adoptees can’t stand you. They think that you have been drinking the Kool-Aid for too long and that you have used your influence to spread the “joys of adoption” myths for too long. I was never one of these people because I was in the fog. I bought into the whole “I’m so lucky to be adopted” story and I felt blessed that I was adopted. I thought it was extra special. I mean, everyone else had only two parents, but I had four parents who loved me. I felt loved.

Finding my natural parents challenged all of these ideas and I slowly started to come out of the fog. They weren’t poor, uneducated people. They weren’t self-sacrificing. My natural mother didn’t want me, period. She gave me up for her benefit, not mine. I started to re-watch some of your shows, and I’ve never felt so let down. Knowing how you spread around the “joys of adoption” myth made me feel like my hero was nothing more than a manipulative media mogul who was spreading the wrong message.

The big thing that everyone is talking about now is the fact that you have a sister who was given up for adoption. I hope that you learn from the experience. I was let down watching you refer to your mother as “my mother”, rather than “our mother”. I was let down watching your entire family treat Patricia like a replacement for your sister Pat. I’m hoping that you will learn from these mistakes and not repeat them. I’m hoping that you start to see how adoption really affects people.

Sincerely,

Jenn

Truth Challenge: Day 13

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter)

Dear Phil Vassar,

I’m listening to your music right now (my iPod’s on shuffle and the universe knew I’d be writing this right now). You’re music has gotten me through some really tough and dark days. I have been a fan since your first single. There’s something about the melodies, the lyrics, and how they all come together. You have a knack for writing songs that will rip your heart out, and then the next track is a funny song that makes you want to laugh until you cry.

Whenever I’m having a bad day, I listen to a number of your songs. I start with “Crazy Life” because it reminds me that life is unpredictable and keeps everyone, not just me, on our toes. I listen to “Lemonade” because I remember that I read somewhere that you wrote it for your daughter when she was going through a hard time with your divorce. I’ve had some of those “God awful days where someone drops some serious rain on [my] parade”. That song always makes me feel better. I listen to “Baby Your Right” or “Houston” when I just need a song to pick me up because those songs make me smile every time. Not to mention “Just Another Day in Paradise”, because I want to have that some day and that song helps me look to the future.

Thank you for your music. It speaks to me in ways that other artists rarely do. I’m also a big fan of the piano and hearing songs that focus on the piano calm me down in ways I cannot explain. Without your music, I don’t know how I would have made it through.

A fan,

Jenn

Truth Challenge: Day 12

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

There are loads of things that I never get complimented on. I could start a list and it would go on forever. I’m far from perfect and I have a limited set of skills and talents. One thing that I never get complimented on is my voice. I can carry a tune but that’s about it. I mouth the words to songs if there’s anyone else around, and sing to my heart’s content if I’m alone in the car or house.

It’s a good thing my dreams aren’t dependent on having a good voice, or something like that. Wouldn’t it be awful if I really wanted to be a singer, went on American Idol and was told to get off the stage because I was embarrassing myself? I feel so bad for some of those people. If I went on Idol, I’d be on the show as a joke. You know those people who are jokes? The ones who can’t sing but think they can? I would hate to be someone like that, someone who can’t see that maybe they need to find a new dream.

I don’t get complimented on my balance. I tend to trip over my own feet. Funny, I learned to dance when I was three. Put me on stage to dance and I’m actually very graceful. I know this from tapes I’ve watched and other people complimenting me. But anywhere else I go I’m a bit clumsy. Go figure.

Truth Challenge: Day 11

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I’m not the biggest fan of my hair. It’s curly, frizzy, and wild. It never does what I want it to do, and it’s been the subject of many fights with my parents. I don’t have patience (or you could say I’m just lazy) to do my hair every morning. I also have a lot of hair per square inch. My hair dresser told me so.

However, whenever I actually do make an effort, I seem to get a lot of compliments on it. It seems like everyone loves my curls. I can’t stand them and would give anything to have straight hair that I didn’t have to worry about. I think people always want what they can’t have. My curls never curl the way I want them to, thus if I want to have curly hair for a special event I have to do it. I can’t really ever let my hair go natural. That’s not to say that I don’t (lazy, remember?) but that might be why I get complimented, because it looks so much better than when I don’t do anything.

It’s funny but I have actually changed my haircut because of NeverTooLate. Sandlot and I have the same hair, hair we got from NeverTooLate I think. And turns out, NeverTooLate and I had the same haircut. We both wore our hair on the shorter side. I think it makes us look more alike. When things went south with NeverTooLate, I didn’t want to be anything like her. So I rebelled and started to grow my hair out. It’s longer now (more of a pain) but when I see pictures of her I don’t see me anymore. I look more like Sandlot at this point, and that’s the way I prefer it!