Truth Challenge: Day 29

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to someday be able to let go of control.  I worry about a lot of stuff and I overanalyze all the time because I need to feel like I’m in control.  I’m pretty sure I know where it comes from.  I never had a choice in anything.

First, my natural parents made the choice to give me up.  They gave me away without me having any control over it.  I was an innocent baby who was given away to strangers who I didn’t know.  I knew my natural mother.  I lived in her for nine months.  Studies have been done; newborns know their mothers.  I didn’t have a choice; I was given away and given this life.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and I’m glad that they are my family.  But there are still things that I had to deal with and continue to deal with that I wish I didn’t have to because of my adoption.  And I know that it’s easier to believe that I would have had issues no matter what, but then why do I identify so exactly with other adoptees and not with non-adoptees?

When I was growing up, my adoptive parents were the ones who got to make the decisions.  It wasn’t as explicit, but I learned that as I got older, it was taboo in my house for me to ask questions or bring up my adoption.  I felt like I was reprimanded every time I tried to bring it up.  I remember writing an article for the school paper in 8^th grade about my adoption where I described some of my fantasies (like that I could have a twin, or my parents could be famous, really basic/general stuff) and my mom reprimanded me about it.  I had to take that section out of the article because she told me it wasn’t true.  I didn’t have a choice.  I felt like I couldn’t talk about it or she would get upset and then my dad would get upset.

When it came time for me to search, it was something I was called to do.  I didn’t really have a choice.  I couldn’t sleep, I lost weight, and I had no interest in anything.  I obsessed over the decision.  I finally searched because I needed sleep.  I needed to be able to sleep through the night and I knew the only way was to find them or at least give it my best shot.  Again, didn’t really have much of a choice.

I have major control issues.  And I need to get over it.  I need to be able to move on.  I’m making progress.  I’m starting to let things go a bit easier.  I need to learn how to sit back and let things happen without trying to control every detail.  Some situations it’s needed, but in most it’s not and I’ll be happier if I can let it go.

ETA - Apparently this did not post when it was supposed to.  Sorry about that!