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| I know, I know... |
And in this process, I started to think about what it would eventually look like after they know about me. And if they wanted anything to do with me. And no matter how hard I try, I don't see it ending all that well. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it could be wonderful. But we have some major obstacles in our way.
For starters, even if they were able to get past the fact they have a sister they never knew about, I could see it being a major challenge to build a relationship with me while still living at home. I don't have contact with our mother. She doesn't want to meet me, she doesn't even want to talk about me with my first father, so I don't see that changing any time soon. If my sisters wanted to discuss me with her, she wouldn't want to. It would hurt her. And I don't like the idea of my sisters being put in the middle.
Next up, we were raised very differently. And I think it would be very hard for them to understand that I wasn't giving a better life, just a different one. I know that from the outside my life at times looks perfect. My adoptive family works very hard on appearances. And I also know that I grew up "lucky". I didn't have a horrible childhood. But at the same time, who knows what my life could have been with my biological family? And honestly, I wish I had known them growing up. I struggle with identity, self-esteem, and relationships because of my adoption. To a sister who only sees the world in black and white, I can see this being a problem. I can see jealously in our future, on my part and on theirs. It's not something that we couldn't overcome, but it would be a major challenge.
Then we have the extended family problem. My first father does not think it would be a good idea for me to meet his family. Now, if you know me at all, you know that doesn't mean anything to me. If I want to get to know them, I'm going to. So that's not the issue. I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions Thank You Very Much. The issue is more that when my first father's family (and mine) finds out about me, there's going to be a lot of drama. And my sisters are going to have to deal with all of it. Which could cause further problems. And on my first mother's side, we have the grandparent issue. Because my grandparents were in a position to support her in keeping me and they didn't. They encouraged the adoption. But to my sisters, they were the best grandparents in the world. So I can see that being a major problem as well when dealing with people who are very focused on seeing the world in black and white. And I can see my sisters being defensive. Heck, I would be too if I were in that position.
Then again, all of these assumptions could be wrong. I could meet them, things could work themselves out, and in the end I could have a wonderful relationship with two more sisters. We don't share a history but if we could get over that, maybe we could share a future. However, nothing in either of my reunions went the way I had hoped for it to go. And I honestly can't see it happening, not without my first parents cooperation. Which I'm realizing the more time goes on, I'm not going to get.
I'm slowly getting used to the idea. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm letting it go. It's taken a lot for me to get to this place. But I'm working hard to grieve the loss of the fantasy and deal with my reality. Someday they will find out about me. And maybe we'll talk a few times, even meet a time or two. But that's probably all that will happen. And even that might not materialize. So I'm moving on. I'm accepting that this is the hand that was dealt to me.
I'm not going to "out" myself to my sisters. I don't see the point. I'm not really going to gain anything other than heartbreak. And I'm not ready for more heartbreak right now. It's going to take years before I'm in a place for that. So thank you to everyone who has supported me in this. It really means a lot to me.
I don't see myself as giving up, just realizing the reality of the situation and getting to a place where I'm ok with that. It's working well for now.
Jenn - I'm glad that you've come up with a plan that feels right for you and the situation you're in. I will continue to hope that your first parents come around to being able to accept you in an honest and open way into their lives and the lives of your sisters.
ReplyDeleteSara
I think you made a wise decision for you and your sisters. I think as long as they are under age you should respect your first parents wishes and when they are grown and on their own then all bets would be off it I was in your shoes. Hopefully, in time, things will improve with your first parents.
ReplyDeleteI have mixed feelings about this. I agree that you should wait to make contact until they are 18. But that it is it. Once the oldest turns 18 years old, you should make contact if that is what YOU want to do. Will your relationships with them be perfect? Probably not. But you will have the satisfaction in knowing you no longer will be a participant in your own denial.
ReplyDeleteI only have my own personal experience to go by, but hindsight tells me I should have contacted my siblings immediately. Waiting not only hurt me, it hurt my siblings. I knew how lies and secrets affected me, and I feel bad I went along with my n Mother's rules. Doing so told me and my siblings that I was not worth knowing, that I was a dirty, shameful secret. I used to take responsibility for not telling them, but no more. I was a child when I found my f Mother. She should have been the adult. She should have out her children first. But she did not. She never has...and shame on her.
In the end, our first "parents" have no right to keep our siblings from having a relationship with us. When they cause problems, it is not because of us- it is because they are too weak to face their own demons.
"put her children first", lol. But "out her children" could also apply, lol.
ReplyDeleteI can see why you are apprehensive. My siblings were raised knowing about me but that I was also a taboo subject and not considered important. I think that has definitely impacted the way they treat me.
ReplyDeleteI would probably try to seek out an older and respected person first who might be willing to ease the way for you, failing that, I would go to the oldest sister.
It is tough
Thanks for all the support! I think that if I am going to get in contact, I'm probably going to contact my maternal uncle first. My gut tells me he's my best bet. But that's going to take a long time.
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