Ability and Willingness

I love comments.  Like seriously.  Because sometimes, wonderful things come out of comments.  Other times not so much, but hey, it happens.  I learn a lot from comments that are left here.  Sometimes it's another adult adoptee commenting.  I love those comments because they make me feel connection to "my people".  Other times it's first mothers, and I love those comments because I've met some kick ass first mothers who offer a great perspective.  And they make me feel less crazy and like my first mother maybe isn't the majority (which would make me sad).  And sometimes, its adoptive parents, and those comments often make me think.  I've gotten some great support from some adoptive mom's (haven't had an adoptive dad yet, but who knows?) and I've gotten some great comments.

Adoptive Mom Lavender Luz left this fantastic comment that really got me thinking on my last post responding to comments:

I have often wondered about the different circumstances surrounding placement and how they might affect the child placed. Such as babyscooped, or if the mother WANTED to parent but wasn't able to for whatever reason, or if she COULD have but wouldn't. The question of ability vs willingness -- which would be more difficult to face?

Thank you for responding to Esperanza's question. Lots to think about with adoption reform and finding a home for a child rather than a child for a home.

I am so sad that your mother has never told you she loves you. How do you fill that hole. Can you?

See?  What a great comment!  One that really got me thinking.  And when I think, I blog.  So you get this nice blog post about ability vs. willingness.  Which would be more difficult to face?  Now I've only really faced one but my story isn't really cut and dry.  There was a lot going on at the time.

Here's what happened with me.  My first parents got pregnant.  My first father didn't know, went away for training.  I was born.  My first mother decided to put me up for adoption (at this point, nobody knew about me).  My first grandparents found out about me and told my first mother she could either continue with her adoption plans or she could move out.  My first father returned home and found out about me.  A week later, my parents terminated their rights and put me up for adoption.

Sounds simple right?  Well, my maternal grandparents may not have been wealthy, but they've done very well for themselves.  They were young (in their late 40's) when I was born.  They had a house, lived comfortably, and had the resources to raise another child should they wanted to.  But they didn't.  And they had no warning. They found out about me the day after I was born.

My paternal grandmother was older.  She raised several of her grandchildren.  In her family, children stay in the family.  However, she probably wouldn't have been able to take me in.  I have an aunt who was looking into adopting a child around that time.  She could have taken me in (according to my first father).  Only my first father did not want me to stay in the family because he didn't agree with the way his nieces and nephews were being raised and didn't want his kids to be raised that way.  I guess he wanted how I was raised to be completely unknown.

Also, my first parents got engaged less than a year after my birth.  Maybe that wouldn't have happened if they had kept me.  But they did stay together.  So did they have the ability?  Probably.  My maternal grandparents could have stepped up and supported their daughter.  They could have raised me.  My paternal family could have raised me as well (and probably would have wanted to had they known about me).  My first parents could have gotten an apartment together and tried to work it out.  It would have been scary and hard, but they wouldn't be the first 21-year-old's to be in that position.  I'm not saying that's the right answer, just that they may have had the ability to raise me.

However, they ultimately didn't want to.  If they wanted to, they would have asked my first father's family for help.  They were afraid their relationship wouldn't survive the struggles of having a child.  My first father didn't have a job and was debating enlisting.  My first mother already had separated herself mentally from me and saw me as someone else's child.  They chose not to parent.

That was really hard to face.  They could have kept me but they didn't.  Everything that I've written above, the fact that it wasn't black and white, did not matter to me when I first realized that.  It didn't matter to my inner child, the one who had questioned why I was given away ever since I can remember.  It didn't matter to the person who often wondered what was wrong with me as a baby for someone to give me away.  There is no easy way to take the fact that your parents did not want to raise you.  My first parents did not move mountains to try to parent me.  That honor goes to my adoptive parents who jumped through every hoop.  But for my adoptive parents, any baby would have done the job.  That wasn't personal.  For my first parents, it was.  The two do not balance each other out.

I would have preferred for the problem to have been with ability.  That's just me though.  Maybe it's a grass is always greener thing.  I'm happy that I know the truth.  I'm glad that I know why.  But it doesn't make it hurt any less.  I would rather be able to feel badly for my first mother and be able to say, "She did everything she could to keep me" rather than "She didn't want to parent me".  Again, that's just me though.

As for the last part of the comment, I don't think there is a way to completely fill that hole.  I think I will be able to more fully heal after I meet her.  I feel like I'll be able to walk away.  I feel like I'll never fully understand her, but I'll always love her.  To me, love isn't about being loved in return.  That's the beauty of it.  I can love her without being loved back.  And loving her is a huge part of my life, and it somehow makes it better.