Frankly, I think one of the points that so often gets lost in the discussion is that relinquishment and adoption are two completely separate events for us adoptees. Yes, adoption depends upon the relinquishment, but not the other way around. Bparents experience relinquishment; Aparents experience adoption. And we adoptees experience BOTH...and more. In my opinion, we have double dibbs, and our opinion should count doubly. Not to mention that both sets of parents choose; we are voiceless even into adulthood. ~Torrejon
There are so many parts of this so I’m going to hit them one by one.
Relinquishment and Adoption are two very separate acts. A mother and father relinquish because they feel they do not have another choice. Or they do not what to parent. Or they are unable to parent. Or for some other reason (and there are plenty out there). I’m sure there are plenty of first mothers out there who will speak about how horrible relinquishing their child was for them. I follow some of their blogs and there are several on that same forum. They go through this horrible process, and it’s all about relinquishment. They were not involved in the adoption. They relinquished and were then out of the picture. Relinquishment does not even guarantee adoption though some think it does. Children may never been adopted. There are kids in foster care who can attest to that.
Adoption does not involve the first parents. It involves the adoptive parents alone. It’s the adoptive parents who go through the process, complete the studies, the paperwork, and who have to wait for a child. It’s the adoptive parents who have to go before a judge and prove they can be good parents. And it’s the adoptive parents who deal with the fall-out as they realize that children are not blank slates and that some adoptees have some serious issues. Foster Abba’s blog comes to mind. This is completely separate from relinquishment. Nothing about this process has anything to do with a first family giving up their rights to the adoptee. Relinquishment needs to happen, but it does not have anything to do with it.
The only person involved with both is the adoptee. Who more than likely is a baby and cannot speak their opinion. And if it’s an older child, their opinion doesn’t matter anyway because the adults are going to decide what’s in their best interest. And when the adoptee reached adulthood, they are still considered to be children. This isn’t just me making a comment about something on blogland or in a forum; this is me making a comment on laws that require first mothers to give consent for contact. In my state my agency would have contacted NeverTooLate and asked her if they could give me her Identifying Information. She had the choice to say no and I would have been out of luck. Never mind that I’m over 18 and should get to make that decision myself, to contact or not to contact.
Our voices should be the most important. We are the only ones that have been through both. We are connected to both sets of parents. We should have double weight. Yet we don’t and our views are routinely pushed to the side. I’m tired of it.
So I’m going to do my small part to change that. I’m going to blog. And I’m going to visit the support forum and continue to support others who are like me. And get support when I need it. And I’m going to support the adoptee rights protest (even if I can’t make it because I’m starting my new job!). And I’m going to keep at it, in my small way. If a lot of people contribute even just a little, it can all add up. I hope…
I never really thought of it that way. I was really uneducated way back when my daughter was placed for adoption. I didn't know that when I said that the people who became to be her parents could actually have not ended up with them. That's a really scary thing to think of.
ReplyDeleteBeing an adoptee raised in Sweden, where the adoption process doesn't involve going infront of a judge there's still so many thing s in this entry that are valid and it's important issues which shouldn't be denied space or time just because not so many people have discussed them.
ReplyDeleteI personally cannot see these issues as separate.
ReplyDeleteI know in my mind that for many, they are, but not in my experience.
I choose the parents that adopted my son, my name is on the adoption form.
It literally says "*my name+info**birthfathers name+info" desire "*adoptive couple+info*" to adopt *said child*"
Which was basically a transfer of custody.
My son was always in the 'custody' of a parent.
We were all together just before he first went home in the custody of his adoptive parents.
I am the one who put my son in the arms of his adoptive parents.
I 'relinquished' for the sole purpose of him being adopted by the parents he now has.
I would have never done this if I didn't know for sure where he was going and that he was becoming a part of a new family.
Something I continue to be glad I choose for him the more I learn about his life through the year.
So for me, it could never be separated, and it bothers me that adopted persons DO separate the issues like this.
Cindy, while I get that you see that they are the same, I have to point out something.
ReplyDeleteWere you with the adoptive parents when they decided to adopt? Were they there with you when you decided to relinquish? Did you attend their home study? Did you come with them to tell their families about the child they would adopt?
While they may have been there for some of your process and you may have been there for some of theirs, they are two different processes.
You choose the parents after they had already been through some of the process. You had already been through some of your own. If you hadn't picked them, you would have picked another couple. And they would have adopted another baby.