Who I Could Have Been

One of the things that I think is unique to being adopted is that I am constantly shadowed by the other people that I could have been.  I could have been so many other people.  Sure, a normal person can make a major decision that can affect their lives and they are different people because of a choice they make, but for me, I didn’t make a choice about my basic identity.  There literally are other people that I could have become.

I could have been the person I should have been had I been raised by my first parents.  That person would have grown up knowing her heritage.  She would have known where she came from, would know how to pronounce the dishes that were served in her house, would have a strong relationship with her grandparents, and would have less material things growing up.  That girl would have seen her mannerisms reflected in her parents and would have two younger sisters.  People would comment about how much she looked like her family, and would have been told “You look JUST like your mother did at that age!”  Also, that girl potentially might not have had the relationship with her father that I enjoy with SinginInTheRain.  We may be the “same” people, but I’m wondering if we are too much alike for us to have had a good “real” father-daughter relationship.

There are also the people I could have been if I had been adopted by another family.  I know there three families NeverTooLate and SinginInTheRain were given to pick from.  That means there were two other families that I could have been raised by.  There are two other people I could have been.

I might have been raised Jewish.  I would know all about Judaism, a religion that I have a lot of respect for.  I wouldn’t go to Church every Sunday, Christmas wouldn’t be my favorite holiday, and I doubt I would have gone to my Jesuit school.  I would have been raised with a different value system, taught different things, and who knows how religious I would have been.

I might have been raised by the other family.  I would have been from a different town.  I would have a different group of friends, and I would have gone to a different high school.  I had a rough time in high school, maybe in a different life I could have been one of the popular girls.  Maybe I would have had boyfriends galore.  Maybe I would have had a kid at a young age in order to be more like my mother.  Maybe I would have been a straight A student trying to impress my impossible parents.  Maybe they would have divorced.  Maybe they would have been alcoholics.  Maybe they would have been saints.  You never know…

The events in my life, good and bad, have shaped who I am as a person, and I would have missed out on all of that.  I would be a different person than I am writing this blog and to be honest, there are days when those ghosts seem to haunt me.  I carry them with me wherever I go, and I try to honor the people I could have been by being as open minded as possible.  When I disagree with someone, I try to remind myself that I could have been raised in a way that I would have been on their side in another life.  It gives me perspective sometimes.  And other times it doesn't...

It's hard to live with the "What ifs" and I try not too.  Doesn't stop me from blogging about them from time to time though... :-)