Guest Post By A First Mother: birthmomtalks

Today's post is from a Guest Blogger, birthmomtalks. I'm a huge fan of her blog and I'm so happy to feature a post by one of my favorite first mom writers!

A little introduction about myself.

I became pregnant at 14 and the father of the baby basically either didn't believe me, was in denial or just plain wasn't around anymore to escape the reality that he helped create life and the Mother also happened to be a miner. I was forced my Mom to place my daughter for adoption. I met and agreed that the couple my Aunt knew could adopt my daughter. It seemed like the lesser of two evils to have someone that family knew compared to complete strangers. My age and lack of knowing anything about adoption was used against me when it came to knowing my rights and my daughter went home with her parents at the age of one day old.
Shortly, after my daughter turned 18 years of age, I found her on a social network site. Halloween will mark the one year anniversary of meeting my daughter face to face for the first time since we parted after she was 24 hours old. I am grateful for the moments I have with my daughter and our communications here and there but I will never be Mom and that is hard pill to swallow. Also, I will never know my daughter like I know my sons that I have raised.

What I have learned from adult adoptees?

I think the biggest thing that I have learned from adult adoptees through blogging is that not ONE adoptee is the same. Some may have similar stories of their beginning of life and how they became to be adopted but just cause one person feels one way doesn't mean that others will feel the same way. However, I have come to think of a couple grown adoptees as friends through reading each other's blogs. They and many other adoptees have given me insight from their side of things and also have reminded me of how some of my daughter's interactions with me can be about her age too. It makes me feel good when they instant message me because of how they feel sad when it comes to something about adoption and/or reunion. Sometimes, they contact me to catch up on how things are doing with the reunion is going with my daughter. I am grateful that blogging my story has connected me to people that I never other wise would have came in contact with.

A little about what has helped me heal a little more through the last few years.

Counseling thru an Adoption Agency has helped quite a bit. I didn't place thru there so I felt like they had nothing to gain from helping me or not helping me. I didn't pay for it. Before counseling, I was not only missing my daughter but I had been feeling very alone. I felt like I was living a double life and was angry at my family for always sweeping my daughter on the rug. I have become stronger and just willing to accept that some of them are just not going to change. I now know that it's not about me or my daughter. It's about them and possible about their guilt. I have been able to accept that the majority of people just don't understand the loss and pain that I have suffered and it's okay. Before counseling I thought only in black and white. I thought mostly negative thoughts about my daughter's parents but during counseling I was able to see that in a lot of ways that they were not all that different than me. I have my own fears and insecurities in life and they have their own fears and insecurities. What I have come to learn that we both are driven by the love that we all have for our daughter. During counseling, I came to see how they treated me has a lot to do with the times. It was what was normal and they are only as good as the education and training they received when they were going the adoption process.

Another major rule in finding healing and acceptance in my role as a birthmother in my life journey has been blogging. It has given me a voice to share my truths about the loss of a child due to adoption. I mentioned above about having been brought together by grown adoptees thru blogging and it's the same with prospective and adoptive couples. I have learned more about the struggles couples go thru leading up to adoption and the roadblocks they must hurdle to be able to adopt. I have read their words of love of gushing over their new babies and my heart has been pulled in many directions. Mostly, I feel for the birthmothers can I can relate to their pain the most. However, I do see the happiness that has been brought to the adoptive couples and the love that they gush on and on has let me see that adoptive parents can and most do love their children just as much as I love mine. I really like it when I see adoptive parents understanding that adoption doesn't just create families that first families are broke part. I hope that when they can accept that part of adoption that they can honor their children's birthparents but more so honor and respect their children's beginnings in life. Because in adoption the adoptees are truly the only party without a say in the matter.

Lastly, if your reading this blog post which I am honored to be able to be a part of to show a different perspective on adoption and my advice to all you bloggers or even non bloggers to let blogs like the one your reading and others be a place where you can grow from other's experiences that they share through blogging. I don't mean to say that as in to develop or sway someone's opinion on something like adoption but more so just so that maybe you can see things in a different light and just maybe you can get a better understanding on why a certain party acted this way or that way. It might not make the hurt go away but just maybe it can ease the pain if you can get a glimpse into someone else' s story.