I’ve been dating this great guy for the past four years so at this point I know his family pretty well. I’m now in the long-term girlfriend category when it comes to them so I get invited to family functions at this point. I love his family, so it’s great and more often than not things go well. This particular function was his grandmother’s 85th birthday party in a nice restaurant downtown. I’m from a backyard barbeque type of family so this was a bit different for me.
When we got to the restaurant, we were seated at the kid’s table. I’m on the older end of the cousins in my family so this was also a bit different for me. My boyfriend doesn’t have a large family like I do though so it wasn’t a big deal to put all of the grandchildren (and me) at one table. This meant we were sitting with my boyfriend’s cousin who has aspergers. I love this kid to death, but he can be a bit challenging. We have to keep the conversation going pretty quickly so he doesn’t get caught up on stuff (like me and my boyfriend kissing, a favorite topic of his). His sister asked me about my cousins and that’s where the trouble began.
I wanted to answer quickly so I didn’t think about what I was saying. I mentioned that I had 21 cousins on one side of my family, and four on the other. Then I corrected myself. I said something along the lines of “Whoops! I mean I have six cousins”. Most people don’t miscount with a small number like that, so I was asked why I made the mistake. My explanation was that my uncle had recently adopted the two adult girls he had helped raise. Their father had died when they were young and he helped to raise them. He was a father to them but didn’t make it official until a few years ago. It was done very quickly and our family was left out of the loop, so we tend to forget its official sometimes. I know it’s horrible of us and after this incident I don’t think I’ll ever forget to count them again.
I’m not sure what this guy was thinking. I’ve been around this family for four years. They’ve all met my parents. They know I’m adopted. But somehow he still thought it would be comforting to me if he told me that “that’s ok, adopted people don’t count!” like it was ok that I forgot my cousins.
I wish I could say that I spoke up and told him that he was wrong, and that we DO count. I wish I had the courage to say something. However, I didn’t want to cause a scene at Grandma’s birthday party and with the cousin at the table, you never knew how he would take my speaking to this guy and what he would do about it. I just yelled at my boyfriend the whole way home and got an apology phone call the next day. The phone call was a nice touch, but it would have been better if I didn’t have to deal with it at all.
It's just all so complicated. You did the best you could in a difficult situation. And my guess is that your boyfriend now understands the importance of this issue, not just to you but to every person who lives adoption.
ReplyDeleteMay I add you to my sidebar?
Oh, I made sure he understands now, don't worry about that :-)
ReplyDeleteAdd away!
(((Jenn)) That sucks!
ReplyDeleteI hate conversations like that. It shows what people are really thinking when they don't censor themselves, as people with Asperger's don't, because their social finesse is somewhat rough. I probably wouldn't have said anything, either, being the complacent and well behaved adoptee I am, but would have surely seethed inside for days.
My mother-in-law said something about children of friends of theirs adopting, and how horrible it was because you never know what you're going to get with other people's genes. I just stared at her. She's right, of course, because you are raising a stranger's baby, but to say that? I reminded her that I am adopted, and she just raised an eyebrow and changed the subject. (In her defense, she hated me for other reasons: being a foreigner, not speaking perfect German, not wearing shoes she liked.)
Another time a friend said that he would never adopt because it's like getting a mutt from the pound: too unpredictable. Ouch. He had forgotten that I was adopted, too.
Sigh. Your boyfriend's cousin is right. In mainstream ideology, we are the uncounted and the replaceable. And we will never forget it.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks! It's nice to know I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to clarify that it was my boyfriend's 26 year old brother who does not have Aspergers that made the comment. He has no excuse. The cousin was at the table so I had to be careful about how I responded because Ralphie takes things differently than most people and tends to yell and I didn't want to disrupt the party.