Shifting Thinking

I'm having a hard time dealing with everything.  I know it's going to take me some time, but it's so hard on top of everything else.  I've had to shift my thinking and make some changes in my life and in my plans.

I had a book made of all the emails in the first year between me and my first father.  I thought we'd have a second year to add to it later.  There have been a grand total of four emails from him since them, and they are all very short.  So I guess no more second book.  It was next to my bed before because I was reading it at night.  I had to move it I was so upset, so under my bed it went.  That only lasted a day and I put it up in the attic  buried as deep as I could get it without looking at the cover (which is a picture of the two of us).

I deleted all the text messages out of my phone (but took screen shots of the last few days) and moved all the pictures to a separate part of the phone in storage (that I need to actively look for and put in a password for).  I deleted the picture out of his contact information and wiped the call log of his name.  He was removed from my favorites.  I'd delete him completely but I need to know when not to answer the phone.  I'll probably change his name to "Do Not Answer" instead.

A filter was added to my inbox so any email will bypass it and therefore not end up on my phone.  I'd kept an email in my inbox from last March after we first met, and that was moved out and away so I won't have to look at it anymore unless I go seeking it out.

My plan was to order a book for all the emails with my first mother.  I was going to try to do that sooner rather than later.  I'm still going to do it, but I'll probably let some time go by to give myself some time to heal.  I've decided to get a storage box that I can put everything in and seal it up.  I'll store it all in the attic together, where I don't have to look at the remnants of a failed reunion.  Someday I'll go back through it, maybe when I have my own kids and they start asking questions, but right now I want nothing to do with it.  I won't get rid of it because it's important to me to have some answers for any children I might have, but I can't bear the thought of even having it around me.

Honestly, I don't care anymore if I accidentally out my first family here.  That was my major concern before.  That someone they knew would find out because of me.  But now I'm not interested in keeping their secret.  So I'm here, publicly.  And if anyone finds this, then so be it.

I'm going to make an honest go at the email thing next month.  I said I would, so I will.  But it's never going to be quite the same.  I've lost my faith in my reunion.  I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get it back.  And I'm so hurt over this still, even after an apology.  I'm hoping that with time, I'll start to heal, but for now I can't even look at an email or a book.