Sometimes It's About Me

Wish I had a Map
To Navigate this sometimes!

I wrote the other day about how my mother was upset with me when I originally told her about meeting my first father for the first time.  I figured I'd go more into depth today and explain a little further what went on because I do think it's important to talk about.

My adoptive mother is/was my best friend.  I saw was because I haven't had a conversation with her in over a month because of the stupid tumor in her brain.  It's frustrating.  Moving on.  With the exception of my senior year of high school (where I was determined to assert my independence and she was determined to keep me as her baby) my mom and I have always been close.  I have always felt comfortable sharing anything with her.  I would call her every day in college.  If I had a problem, I would tell her about it and she wouldn't judge me or tell me what to do unless I asked her for advice.  She was supportive of everything.  If she didn't agree, she was gentle about it.  We still had our fights from time to time, but if relationships can be scaled from zero to ten with ten being the absolute best and zero being the absolute worst, my mom and I scored an eight or nine.

When I made the decision to search, I did so on my own.  My mother had offered to help me search after I told her about the whole "I Don't Count" incident.  I was happy that she felt comfortable with it to offer (because if she wasn't ok with it, she wouldn't have offered) and I took that for her blessing.  At the time, I was still trying to work things out in my head.  When I did decide to search, I had the option of telling my parents.  It would have been very easy and I know my mother would have jumped right on bored.  But I didn't.  My mother told me a while back that she really wanted to meet my first mother to thank her for giving me up.  I didn't want that to cloud my search.  And because my search was ultimately about me.

Now before any adoptive parents start complaining and asserting that reunion does have to do with them too, let me make sure I'm clear about what I mean.  My search wasn't about my adoptive parents.  They played a part in in for sure.  If they hadn't raised me to be a strong, independent person, I may not have had the courage to search.  If I hadn't thought that in the end they'd be supportive, I may not have searched.  And if they had never told me I was adopted (which happens) I most certainly wouldn't have known to search.  But my reasons for searching had nothing to do with them.  It wasn't that they didn't raise me correctly.  It wasn't that they didn't love me enough.  There is NOTHING they could have done that would have made me not want to find my first family (if I thought they wouldn't be supportive I just would have held of searching for a while, but I still would have wanted to).  For me, I needed to know where I came from.  I needed to find out if I looked like anyone.  I needed to know if my natural talents came from anywhere.  These were things that my adoptive parents could not answer for me.  They could not fulfill those needs.  It wasn't there fault, it was the fact that adoption overall is about loss.  It's never a good situation because everyone looses.

My search was about me.  It was about answering my questions.  So I did it alone.  My mother couldn't understand that.  She felt like she should have been with me the whole time holding my hand.  I get that and I can understand what she's saying.  Ultimately though it came down to the fact that I needed to act alone.  I needed to find my own way.  And I needed to be able to stop at anytime without justifying myself to my parents.  I needed to know I was searching for the right reasons.  And to be fair, I only told one person.  And that was the leader of my New Orleans trip.  I wanted to thank him for all his hard work on the trip because it helped me gain some much needed clarity.  Not even Rudy knew.  So it wasn't just her.  It was everyone.  Sometimes it really is just all about me and nobody else.  Just like my mom I'm sure has times when she needs to make it all about her.  It happens to all of us.