How'd Things Get Like This?

A flower from my garden
because I felt like adding it!

As per yesterday's post, I've decided to be more open in real life when it comes to my reunion.  Letting the chips fall where they may.  It's a scary, yet liberating thought.  I'm not hiding things anymore.  I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I've been slowly working towards this for a while.  Telling my family back in April was a big step.  I was prepared for fallout from my adoptive aunts (and uncles and cousins).  I was not expecting that the one person who would not be supportive was my sister, the only other adoptee in my family.  The only person who I thought would know what I was going through.  It just goes to show that different adoptees feel different ways.  My story and my truth is not her truth.  She is her own person with her own ideas and those ideas are very different from mine when it comes to my search and reunion.

Dealing with the fallout from my adoptive sister was hard.  I'm finally ready to move past that.  I've realized that it's my life, and I need to make my own choices.  Just because my sister told me to go f myself and never speak to her again about my reunion doesn't mean I have to play by those rules.  I did play by those rules and nothing got better.  We're still not speaking.  We don’t have a relationship.  So you know what?  I'm not playing by rules that make me miserable and don't change anything or solve anything between us.

Looking back, I can see what happened.  I was nervous before because I wasn't sure if my family would be supportive.  And they were with the exception of my sister.  Go figure.  Anyway, due to our blow up fight, I sort of went back into the adoption closet.  I would answer questions sort of when asked about it, but I wasn't very honest with my family.  Part of it was also the fact that my adoptive mother is very sick.  I don't want to add to their collective burden.

What made me change my mind?  I realized that my reunion is a good thing for me.  It's one of the few good things I have going for me.  Some days, it IS the only good thing I have going for me.  It's not perfect, but it's still more positive than negative.  So why should I keep that a secret?  I'm not saying I have to bring it up all the time, but I don't see the harm in mentioning a short story here or there.  Or letting people know who I'm talking to when I get a phone call.  If it makes me happy, I'm not going to hide it.  I shouldn't have to.  It's not me.

I was really miserable.  I've been super miserable.  And something needs to change because I'm going to lose my mind if it doesn't.  There are certain things I do not have control over.  But what I can control is my attitude towards those things.

I've been stressed about keeping things from my adoptive family so they won't get hurt or have to deal with another added thing.  I can continue to do this and continue to be unhappy, or I can take my own advice and treat it the way I want others to treat it.  By acting like it's no big deal, others will hopefully learn to see that it isn't one.  This has the potential to backfire on me.  I know it can.  But that being said, I'm going to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  If things backfire, it's not a reflection on me, it's a reflection on the insecurities of others.  If they can't handle one other person in my life right now, then they aren't really worthy of being in my life anyway.  I deserve better by my family.