Unpacking

I'm currently surrounded by boxes and plastic bags with the music cranked up as loud as it will go.  I'm unpacking.  Now this isn't something that new.  I've had to unpack every year after I've moved home.  And then the next time I've gotten to college.  But this time it's a bit different.  For the first time in five years, I'm unpacking for good.  Well, I shouldn't say that.  I'm unpacking for now until I get an apartment.  But that's a long way away and my stuff can't just sit in boxes until some unknown date.  So I'm cleaning everything out and trying to unpack as much as possible.  And of course it's like 100 degrees in this room.

It's sort of symbolic of my life right now.  I feel like I'm in this messy, unsettled part of life.  For the first time, I don't know what I'm going to be doing come September.  Before, I always knew I would be going to school.  But now I'm not.  I'm unpacking books from freshman year.  I'm trying to find a way to make my life at home mesh with my life from school.  I have pictures that I have in my room at home, and I have pictures that I have in my room at school.  Now I have to pick which ones I want and put the others away from my someday apartment.  It's a lot harder than I thought.  Usually, I have help from my mom throwing stuff away and figuring out what to keep and what to pack.  I'm on my own, a real "grown up".

As I look at all this stuff that I've accumulated, I can't help but think about the past year.  It was a huge year for me.  This time last year, things were going great with NeverTooLate, I was skeptical of her ever telling SinginInTheRain about me, and I was trying to figure out where I was going to live for a year.  I sent pictures back and forth with NeverTooLate, learned more and more about her, and started to feel the sting of her pulling away.  The summer was busy and full of nastiness with my sister.  Then September rolled around and things ended with NeverTooLate but started with SinginInTheRain.  As I pack away my comforter, I can't help but of the time I was curled up in the fetal position sobbing because I missed a phone call from SinginInTheRain one day and I was devastated.  He called me back and I got to talk to him (yay!) but it was that pattern that I traced with my finger.  I look at the rug I've worn out pacing during one of our many phone calls.  I pack away the outfit I bought to meet SinginInTheRain in.

I don't know what the next year will bring.  I don't know how much longer I'm going to last talking to SinginInTheRain.  I don't know if I can take too much more.  I don't know if I should tell him that I'm struggling, or deal with it on my own.  I don't know if I feel this way because of everything else that is going on, or if it's because I'm really done.  I don't know.

The best part of unpacking though is the feeling after it's all over.  It's that feeling that you've gotten through all the messy stuff and it's all organized and done with.  I'm trying to keep that in mind as I wade through all my junk.  I'm hoping that once I get all of this stuff organized, I can start to really work on the emotional stuff.  Then maybe I'll finally feel better.