This post has been moved to: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2011/05/30/ive-had-it/
I love me a rant!
Sometimes it feels like my life is a movie and seeing as I'm really bad at coming up with titles, the title would be bad. This blog follows my journey through my personal adoption reunion.
Dear Jenn,
ReplyDeleteI know I don't know you besides what you've shared in your blog, but since we've had a similar circumstance I hope you can trust that I understand a small part of what you're currently going through.
My birthmother chose not to acknowledge me when I ran into her in public once (while we were still in reunion). It was very hurtful, but yet I understood. I am a product of her poor choices she made as a teenager, and she is now an adult that has chosen to move beyond that choice and would rather leave it in her past. I don't agree with her decision, I'd much rather have her in my life, but I have to respect it. You can't force someone to be in a relationship with you.
As for your situation, I beg you to tread carefully. I know you're angry and hurt and those two emotions will often lead us to do things we may regret. Whatever you decide to do, be the bigger person. If you decide to end the relationship, leave well. Be kind and respectful. If you decide to carry on but with different boundaries, frame it in a positive light. Don't burn bridges because it is painful. Don't 'disappear' - as you know, firsthand, it can be very hurtful to the other person.
So, as one blogger to another, I hope you can take my advice even if it's hard to do. Cool off, think about the long-term repercussions of your decision before you act. I hope that this turns out well for you, I really do. I'll be praying for you.
Haley
I am sorry for all the pain involved. I haven't really thought how I would introduce my daughter if I was with her and we ran into someone I know. I have thought about it. If I say my daughter, do I need to explain daughter but was adopted and now we are reunited and while I give my daughter cards that say daughter and all but would she be upset if I verbally let people assume that I am her Mom.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you have thought about this or not but Shawn is probably stuck between a rock and a hard place. A lot of his uneasiness about who you are and meeting your sisters could be the pressure from Nicole. Either way, he could lose out something great. If he stands up for himself, he could jeopardize his marriage and change the relationship he has with his daughters that he raised.
I wished adoption reunion didn't have to be so hard. I think I am like you a lot. I think too much and I am easily hurt. Also, easily to make happy and it's a hard life to balance out.
I agree with Haley, think about the long term when it comes to backing out. I will be honest with you and I have felt like backing out and not trying to talk to my daughter because it's hurts. However, not having any contact is too much to bare. It's my birthday and she wrote Happy birthday on my FB wall. It's sweet and I love it, but there is a part of me that is hoping for a surprise with someone arranging for my daughter to show up. I do have a dinner date with a friend. I can dream, right? Or dream of getting a knock on the door and it be flowers for me. I also get jealous of her attention to her family. Well, I think I rambled on enough. Just know that I do feel your pain from the other side of adoption land. I hope the best for you.
Hey, I would say let some of the feelings wear off. I do want to say that while dialogue and confrontation is good, when there is too much the person can back off greatly. I think that is something I did with my momma in the beginning. Some things rectified themselves and some I had to let go. In this specific case, I would bring it up gently as he seems very receptive to me. Yet, I would follow the old adage "pick your battles wisely." If this means a lot to you then go for it, if not don't. On the giving up idea, I have done it or said it multiple times over the course of my reunion and I don't recommend it. If you are in this stay and fight, it gets better. Believe me, I think I have the slowest moving reunion ever and I am at 5 years.
ReplyDeleteAnd as you can tell from reading my blog I call my birth mom, momma but I call my birth father by his first name. I would introduce him as such and if they asked me how we know each other I would say we are related and that would be the end of the conversation. Dunno if this helps but that's my opinion.
I've decided to take a middle road. He's hearing that he hurt me. If he doesn't want to hear it, then he's not someone who should be in my life. If he's the guy I think he is, I think he'll be strong enough to hear that I'm hurting. This was just the last straw for me. I'm going the "you hurt me and I want you to know why so we can move forward" route. The "let's find a solution together" route. The "I will not accept less than I deserve" route. It's been a long time coming, but it won't be an angry email, more like a "I'm hurting" email. He needs to know and I'm putting the ball back in his court.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your middle road solution, Jenn. We (adoptees) have been compromised from day one. We have lived with the lies and the shame since day one. Conditions suck, and it is not fair that our first parents are too weak to do the right thing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your middle road too. You should not be walked all over. This situation is not your fault. You are trying the best you can as an adopted person to make the best of the situation and you deserve respect.
ReplyDeleteInstead of lying to avoid conversations family members of adoptees don't want to have with others, why can't they just say "it's a long story, not now" IF and when someone does inquire to know more? There's really nothing wrong with telling a an inquiring person to mind their own business if you don't want to explain something to them; why lie?
I feel for you. I know this really must hurt. You are his daughter and you deserve to be acknowledged as such.
I agree that you need to tell him how much it hurts that he will not acknowledge you as his daughter.
ReplyDeleteAs I first read this post, I completely agreed with your decision to be done with all the lies. However, the relationship between you deserves the hard work it is going to take. You cannot force him live in the truth if he's not ready, but you can stand up for yourself and live in the truth of your pain and loss.