Definition of Family

I was talking to a few cousins the other day, and the topic of family came up.  I was asked to create a family phone list for everyone in case of emergency, and I'm not one to turn down the person who made the request.  I hate family politics, and this had family politics written all over it.  I did it anyway thinking that nobody would give me any flack because my mother is so sick.  I was wrong.  I included ex's because I still consider them family, and my uncle flipped out.  I'm not in the mood to be flipped out at over something so stupid, so I emailed him back and told him off.  Like seriously told him off.  I got an apology and I know he is sorry because he's been super nice to me.  In case you ever read this dear uncle, don't ever imply that an adoptee isn't part of your family by explaining how many siblings you have.  It's not nice and it tends to make the adoptee in me very upset.

So after all of this happened, I was explaining the story to a few of my cousins because they wanted to know why so many changes were made to this Family List (I had to keep emailing it out).  I decided that because the whole exchange happened via email, they could hear all about it and I read them all the emails.  Hint, don't ever email something you don't want the whole world to see.  They were super proud of me for telling him to grow up and they were in awe because he's had it coming for a while and nobody wanted to deal with him.  So I did.

This then lead to a conversation about family.  All of us cousins still consider his ex-wife to be family.  She's been nothing but kind to us and has always treated us like nieces even after the divorce, which is more than I can say for my mother's brother.  I had also included this uncle's new girlfriend, who I love, but everyone else hasn't warmed up to yet.  I started thinking about something that Amanda wrote over at Declassified Adoptee a while back (can't find the actual post) and so I wanted to blog about it too.

There are three ways to define family.  Each weighs the same in the definition and you can be family via one, two, or all three ways.  The first way is biologically.  This is the part of family that comes from blood.  This is what makes my natural family still my family.  Adoption does not sever that bond.  My natural family will always be family because blood matters.  The second part of this is a legal family.  Legally, I belong to my adoptive family.  They are mine and I am theirs.  When someone marries into a family, they become a part of it.  When someone is adopted into a family, they become a part of it.  The third definition is for what I call an emotional family.  Those are the people that you consider to be family in your heart.  My aunt is no longer biologically or legally a part of my family, but she acts like my aunt and I love her like my aunt, and therefore, she is a part of my family.  She may not be a part of my uncle's if that's what he wants, but she will always be a part of mine.

For most people, their family fits all three of these definitions.  They are biologically, legally, and emotionally family.  For others, not so much.  This is impossible for adoptees, unless they are adopted back.  My biological family will always be different from my legal family, and I have a whole bunch of people who are emotionally my family as well.  My cousins don't understand this, because they've never had to think about it.  To them, if my uncle remarries, his new wife won't be family.  New flash honey, she's gonna be your aunt so you better get used to it.  Don't like it?  Join the club and be happy that you don't have to deal with the emotional upheaval of trying to figure out how to fit both an adoptive and natural family into your life.