Trying to Figure Out What Next

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my current situation.  As a summary, my first father and I went from emailing/texting/talking/meeting up once in a while to emailing.  And by emailing I mean he emails me once a week from his cell phone if I'm lucky.  So it's a short email, but he does his best.  Over vacation he emailed me two lines on Christmas and a few more on New Years.  But other than that, things aren't what they used to be.

He ended our reunion except for occasional emails.  I have that with my first mother.  It's not going so hot with her right now.  I don't know what happened but all the progress I thought we'd made ended at the end of September.  So I don't have a lot of hope for an occasional email relationship.  And then a week later, he changed his mind and said we could go back to the way things were, just with some new rules, like I could only text him when he's at work.  I responded back that I needed some time to think things over and wanted to stick with just emails.  I told him I'd get back to him in January.  It's now a week into January and I know he thinks I have an answer for him.  I think I have another few weeks to make up my mind.

In his email this week, he said that he's glad I'm happy (my emails to him are upbeat while I try to figure things out) and that he's sorry again for what happened "before".  And that he hopes things can get back to the way they were.

And that's the thing.  I don't want them back the way they were before.  I'm tired of being a secret.  I don't want to have a relationship with a parent that's defined by rules.  I don't want to have to check the clock to see if it's appropriate to text him (because I couldn't text him after noon).  I don't think I could handle it again if he tried to put the blame on me if something went wrong.  My aunt's favorite saying is true: If something feels wrong, it probably is.  I deserve better than to be someone's secret shame.  I have nothing to be ashamed of. And he made it very clear where I stand in everything.  I don't want to risk getting hurt like that again.

This has been coming for a long time.  I was going to wait until the end of the month, but I don't think I will now that he's brought it up.  So I'm starting to work on an email to him this week.  I'm going to let him know that I want to have a relationship with him as he is my biological father, but I'm not willing to have a relationship with someone who isn't willing to be honest about who I am.  So when he's ready to not hide me anymore, I'm willing to work through things.  But until then, I'd prefer to focus on my life with people who aren't ashamed of me and what I represent.

Nobody else is going to stand up for me.  I'm the only one who can.  And honestly, after the first few weeks (which were really hard), it's gotten easier and easier not to check for messages.  And I've been thinking about it less.  I've had more time to concentrate on other things.  And I've had more time to focus on being happy.  So while this is going to be hard, I know that I'm going to survive it.  And I know that it isn't forever.  Eventually he'll tell my sisters about me.  I doubt I'll have a relationship with them, but it will at least make it so that I don't need to be hidden away anymore.  And then the option is there.  We'll see.

Today's the day my parents brought me home.  It's the day "we became a family".  In my house, it's just my "special day".  I don't see it as the day I was separated from my first parents.  That day was my birthday.  My first parents signed their rights away on New Years Eve of 1987.  What a great way to start over.  Lovely.  Instead, I really do see it as a day I gained a family to replace the one I had already lost.  I'm spending today with my family.  The ones who love me, care about me, and aren't ashamed of me.  I deserve at least that.