My Search Advice

This is all about things that I wish I knew when I was searching. I made some mistakes, had NO CLUE what I was doing, and I’m very lucky that I got the right results. You may not agree with some of the things on my list, but as I said, these are things I wish I knew back then. It’s also a list of things that I did right and they worked for me.

1. Don’t give up – At one point, I was sure I wasn’t going to be able to find her. I had tried and it didn’t work. I put my search off for a few months not because I wasn’t ready, but because I was discouraged. I’m glad that I didn’t give up. I’m glad I kept at it because all it took was one set of keywords that lead me to a search site that lead me to her. And I learned how to use all the knowledge that I’ve gained from meaningless sites like the free online birthday database (which I first stumbled upon at www.bored.com).

2. Think outside the box – I had all the names I needed; I just didn’t have them in the right order or with the right people. If I had thought outside of the box a little bit and had searched things on Google or Facebook just a bit differently, I would have saved myself $15. Don’t get me wrong, $15 was totally worth finding out where I come from, but I would have saved myself the trouble because I already had the information.

3. Get as much information as possible – the more information you have before contact the better. You never know when something you learned that may not seem super important is really key. For example, maybe you learn via social media that your [insert relationship here] is a cat lover. Now you might not think that’s super important until you are talking on the phone and you get really nervous. Because you know as much as possible, you know not to tell her about that one time you tied a firecracker to your cat when you were three. Of course your mom saved the cat and you all laugh about it now, but your [insert relationship here] might not get the humor in the situation over the phone. Things like this do happen though so it’s not the end of the world.

4. Breath – there were times when I forgot to breath. I would get so worked up about things that I missed the forest for the trees. Its times like these I wish I had taken a step back and slept on it for a few nights even. It may feel like forever, but sometimes you have to take a step back and take some time for the rest of your brain to catch up. I know sometimes before I make a big decision I try to look at it from all different angles. I don’t want to be the crazy person, but when I rush into things I can come off that way.

5. Make sure your expectations are clear – I wasn’t sure what I wanted going into my reunion. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, and I don’t think she had any clue either. We both said we would just see where things were going to go, but I had some pretty big expectations that were way off. It never dawned on me that she wouldn’t want to meet me someday. So I never really asked if she’d be interested in a face to face. I just assumed, and I was wrong. I wasn’t clear about how I was feeling, and neither was she. Our communication broke down, and we no longer speak. If I could do it all again, I’d be more clear about my expectations and boundaries up front.

There are a lot of other pieces of advice, but the above five are to me possibly the most important. Is there any one in reunion out there who thinks I missed a big one? Comment please!

My first reunion didn’t end so well, but I don’t regret it at all. I’d go through all the pain again tomorrow if I had too. My second reunion is going fantastic (most days) and I’m so thankful that I have my first father in my life now. I would recommend searching (if not contacting) because I believe that knowing your truth is better than the fantasies. That’s my two cents anyway.