Going Back to the Beginning

I started to actually put things together. I had some extra time so I figured I’d just start to get all the old emails together. I couldn’t find some of the really early emails so I had a minor freak out until I checked an old email account and realized that I had forwarded them as a backup. I still have to find the first letter NeverTooLate sent me. I keep it in a safe place, but I had to take it out to get information for a doctor’s appointment and it’s disappeared for the time being. I plan on ripping my car apart tomorrow because I think it’s in there. I’m not flipping out yet because I’m pretty sure I can find them tomorrow.

I started rereading the emails. I figured I’d just confront the issues I was having. It was a trip down memory lane, and I’m even more astonished at the outcome of the whole thing. In NeverTooLate's first emails, she thanks me for making contact and they are the polar opposite of her last email. She tells me how happy she is and how much she enjoys emailing me.

It wasn’t easy for me to go back and read the good emails. Sometimes it’s easier to think of NeverTooLate in black and white, but these emails make that impossible. I think I needed to reread those emails. I think I needed to see her again as the person who I adored in the beginning. At the same time, I’m now really worried about SinginInTheRain. It showed me just how quickly things can change and how dramatically. I really hope that doesn’t happen with SinginInTheRain.

I ordered some nice paper and a nice binder.  It should get here in a few days and I'll probably finish it within the next few weeks.  It's actually been a really good exercise and I somehow feel less upset about everything.  Someday I'll have a history that I can give to my kids.  I'll have it all documented.  It will be all there.  When they ask questions, I'll be able to give them some sort of answers.  I'll have all one hundred pages of emails (no joke), all of the family tree I could piece together, and all of the stories that were shared with me.  It will never been enough, but it will probably be as good as I'm going to get.

Putting It All Together

I keep telling myself that I’m going to put everything together in a book for myself. I have a horrible memory and I’m sure I’ll start to forget the little things. I have also learned that I only get half answers sometimes when I ask questions, and I’ve been able to piece things together to form a bigger picture.

I want to print out all of the emails from NeverTooLate and SinginInTheRain, along with my responses. It would be a pain because I had to use a few different email addresses to email NeverTooLate (my email somehow didn’t get her responses so I had to change accounts). If I print them all out, I know that would mean reliving everything and I’m not sure I can do that yet. I also did a lot of online research, and I want to print that all out too. I mean, kids usually have baby books; shouldn’t I have one that describes my past?

Maybe this summer I’ll start to put it all together. I’ve started a file on my computer with some of the stuff I’ve managed to figure out. It started as a typed version of my non-identifying information, and I’ve filled in what I’ve been able to figure out. I also have a list of medical concerns, something I’m saving for when I go to the doctor’s and so that if I have kids someday they’ll have that information too.

I don’t know why I’m so afraid of what I’ll find if I put it all together. I don’t know what freaks me out about it so much. Maybe it’s that I’m afraid if I put it all together I’ll see the bigger picture and I won’t like what I see. However, this blog is really helping me to see the bigger picture, so I don’t think that’s it. Maybe it’s because I’ll realize that I want more than just a book filled with emails and internet research. The way things are looking right now, a book coupled with a phone call every now and then is all I’m going to get for a while.

I downloaded a template to start to put it all together on the computer. Maybe it’s time to put those fears aside and just do it already. We’ll see how this one goes.