Going Back to the Beginning

I started to actually put things together. I had some extra time so I figured I’d just start to get all the old emails together. I couldn’t find some of the really early emails so I had a minor freak out until I checked an old email account and realized that I had forwarded them as a backup. I still have to find the first letter NeverTooLate sent me. I keep it in a safe place, but I had to take it out to get information for a doctor’s appointment and it’s disappeared for the time being. I plan on ripping my car apart tomorrow because I think it’s in there. I’m not flipping out yet because I’m pretty sure I can find them tomorrow.

I started rereading the emails. I figured I’d just confront the issues I was having. It was a trip down memory lane, and I’m even more astonished at the outcome of the whole thing. In NeverTooLate's first emails, she thanks me for making contact and they are the polar opposite of her last email. She tells me how happy she is and how much she enjoys emailing me.

It wasn’t easy for me to go back and read the good emails. Sometimes it’s easier to think of NeverTooLate in black and white, but these emails make that impossible. I think I needed to reread those emails. I think I needed to see her again as the person who I adored in the beginning. At the same time, I’m now really worried about SinginInTheRain. It showed me just how quickly things can change and how dramatically. I really hope that doesn’t happen with SinginInTheRain.

I ordered some nice paper and a nice binder.  It should get here in a few days and I'll probably finish it within the next few weeks.  It's actually been a really good exercise and I somehow feel less upset about everything.  Someday I'll have a history that I can give to my kids.  I'll have it all documented.  It will be all there.  When they ask questions, I'll be able to give them some sort of answers.  I'll have all one hundred pages of emails (no joke), all of the family tree I could piece together, and all of the stories that were shared with me.  It will never been enough, but it will probably be as good as I'm going to get.