Putting It All Together

I keep telling myself that I’m going to put everything together in a book for myself. I have a horrible memory and I’m sure I’ll start to forget the little things. I have also learned that I only get half answers sometimes when I ask questions, and I’ve been able to piece things together to form a bigger picture.

I want to print out all of the emails from NeverTooLate and SinginInTheRain, along with my responses. It would be a pain because I had to use a few different email addresses to email NeverTooLate (my email somehow didn’t get her responses so I had to change accounts). If I print them all out, I know that would mean reliving everything and I’m not sure I can do that yet. I also did a lot of online research, and I want to print that all out too. I mean, kids usually have baby books; shouldn’t I have one that describes my past?

Maybe this summer I’ll start to put it all together. I’ve started a file on my computer with some of the stuff I’ve managed to figure out. It started as a typed version of my non-identifying information, and I’ve filled in what I’ve been able to figure out. I also have a list of medical concerns, something I’m saving for when I go to the doctor’s and so that if I have kids someday they’ll have that information too.

I don’t know why I’m so afraid of what I’ll find if I put it all together. I don’t know what freaks me out about it so much. Maybe it’s that I’m afraid if I put it all together I’ll see the bigger picture and I won’t like what I see. However, this blog is really helping me to see the bigger picture, so I don’t think that’s it. Maybe it’s because I’ll realize that I want more than just a book filled with emails and internet research. The way things are looking right now, a book coupled with a phone call every now and then is all I’m going to get for a while.

I downloaded a template to start to put it all together on the computer. Maybe it’s time to put those fears aside and just do it already. We’ll see how this one goes.