Secret Relationship

I have an aunt who always has a quote up her sleeve.  It doesn't matter what the situation, she always has a quote that fits and gives good advice.  She's the aunt I call when I'm having a bad day because she picks me back up again.  She's been so good to me the last few months, becoming like a second mother to me as I've struggled with my own mother not being there for me due to her illness.  And she's also the first person in my family outside of my parents I told about my reunion.  She was so supportive.  But she didn't like the situation I was in.  The reason I know this?  Some well meaning quotes were left where I could see them.  Gifts turned into packets of quotes she thought I would like.  When she knew I'd be visiting, she'd leave out scraps of paper where I could see them.  Subtle?  No.  Effective?  Yes.  The one that clearly spoke to me was:

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

And you know what?  That's a true story.  My secret relationship with my first father feels wrong.  It feels like I'm a little kid with my hand caught in the cookie jar.  I feel like the other woman, which I can guarantee you is the oddest feeling when you're talking about your father.  I deserve better than that.

The thing is, I'm an adult.  I may not feel that way sometimes, but I've been an adult for a while.  I make my own decisions and I don't need my first parents permission to do anything.  They signed away their rights to make any sort of demands on me or have any sort of control over me as a person 24 years and 11 days ago.

I respect them as people.  I wouldn't "out" myself to their two minor daughters because my sisters are their children and I respect that.  But, that doesn't mean I don't have the right to contact anyone else, any other adult.  There are no rules against it, no laws to stop one adult from contacting another for the first time.  I'm not a stalker, I don't intend to harm anyone, and I have the right to contact someone I'm related to if that's what I want.  I'm not saying I'd do it.  I seriously doubt I would.  But if I don't, it's because I made that decision, not my first parents.

And I'm not going to enter willingly into a relationship where I have to check the time before texting like a mistress or something.  I'm sorry, but I deserve better.  I get that he's in a bad situation.  I don't know how he does it.  Before, I would try to be mindful of the time.  I tried not to text him on a day off.  But he was the one texting me on his days off.  He initiated it.  I followed unspoken rules before to try to make things easier.  But I won't follow dictated ones for the sake of making things easier for him when it comes to people who should already know about me.

It's not fair to me.  It's not right.  And I won't have anything to do with it.  I won't be in a secret relationship like that.  So I'm going to take my aunt's advice.  I'm going to do what's best for me at this point.  Here's a quote to leave you with:

If I don't see myself as a victim, then I'm not a victim. 
~Noomi Rapace