Got My Email (Finally)

Well, I'm please to report that I got my email.  And I'm also pleased to report that I did not go crazy and it was not at all what I expected.  For starters, my first father apologized for not getting back to me sooner.  He's not mad at me.  And he said that he understands and gets why I feel that way.  He's happy that we can still email.  He's going to let me know when things are going to move forward but he's not going to bring it up until he knows for sure next time (so we avoid the whole Thanksgiving thing).

So after me freaking out and thinking he hated me, it turns out he just needed some extra time to email me.  I wish he had sent that last week.  It would have made things so much easier on me.  And would have eliminated a week of major stress and serious sleep deprivation.

So I guess we're going to email each other like we used to in the beginning.  It's a major step backwards, but its something.  I'll still roughly know what's going on.  I can look forward to the emails.  I'll still be in the back of his mind and I won't be going away anytime soon.  I'm making the assumption (which can be bad) that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  Eventually they have to be more open about me.  And they can't ignore me if at least one of them is getting an email from me every week.

I want to know what's going on.  It's hard to explain.  But I guess if I had to try, I would say that I have a feeling that eventually, they are going to tell my sisters.  I don't think it's going to be anytime soon.  I wouldn't be surprised if it's not ten or so years down the line.  I have a feeling that I'll snap long before then.  So what we are left with is that it's going to take a while.

Now is not a good time for me.  This was figured out Thanksgiving.  And who knows what's going to happen next?  I have to believe that if it really wasn't a good time for me, I could speak up about it.  They could still tell my sisters, but they could ask that I be given some space before my sisters contact me if that's what they want. Because reunions are completely and totally overwhelming.  And all consuming.  No matter what.  Even when prepared, even when you are the one initiating it, it's still something that you lose control over.  Or at least I do. It took me a solid two months with each parent for the world to even feel like it wasn't spinning so much.  Crazy scary.  I couldn't sleep, I could eat, and I neglected my friends, family, boyfriend, everything.  And that's OK if I'm in a place where I can better handle things.  And if my life doesn't totally suck, then I can handle the rejection better.

Right now, I'm in a so-so place.  My mother is doing very well.  I'm adjusting.  I'm grieving, but it's going a lot better.  Rudy and I worked out a lot.  So things are better between us.  And things are getting better living at home.  With my sister home, it won't be long before I'm making plans, but I have a rough idea already that includes me looking for a new apartment in two months.  So that's OK too.

But I know that I have some major life changes up the road.  For starters, a new apartment.  Next, Rudy and I are talking about taking a step forward in our relationship which is going to reek major havoc on my life (in a very good and positive way).  And I have no idea how long things are going to stay like this with my mom.  That could change at anytime.  So I wouldn't want my first parents to tell my sisters about me right before a major event.  Or during a major change.  Or at least I'd want to have an idea that it was coming to mentally prepare myself.

Then again, I could be worrying about nothing.  Seriously.  Probably never going to happen.  But you never know.  So I'm preparing for the worst, but still hoping for the best.  And that means emailing my first father every now and then.  We'll see where this one goes.