I've been reflecting lately on the whole Blame Game that I think sometimes gets played by adoptees and first parents. It bothers me that such a game exists, and that groups feel the need to demand that their pain count for more than the other groups. I'm no saint and I've participated before (though I usually manage to reign it in). I think that both groups sometimes come from very different places and it's hard to see where the other person is coming from. I will never know what it feels like to be a first mother. I can't know her pain. I can empathize, I can feel badly for what she went though, but I will never truly understand. Just like she (the generic first mother) will never know my pain, my loss, my thoughts unless she too is an adoptee. So we run into problems right off the bat.
I think that it's hard for adoptees like myself, ones who have mothers who were not coerced, tricked, or bullied into giving a child up, to sometimes see eye to eye with mothers from the Baby Scoop Era. They did not choose in many cases to give their children away. Their children were taken away. I'm so thankful adoption isn't practiced that way anymore. It's not much better, but still…
As an adoptee, I feel (and this is a feeling, rather than based on any fact) like I was given away. I feel like my mother (and father) walked out on me. I feel that I was handed over to strangers because they didn't want me. This may or may not be the actual facts of the situation (there's a spectrum I believe) but that's how I grew up feeling. As the product as a closed adoption, I didn't know my story. Now this is totally different from blaming one group. I don't blame all first mother's for this. I KNOW that some of them did not have a choice. I know that a lot of them would gladly enter into reunion with their children. And I think some of the best people I have met here on blogland are first mothers. But that will never change how I grew up feeling… like I was a throw away baby to my first family. I may have an adoptive family that loves me but that will never make up for my blood rejecting me. It's just a fact of life for me.
We adoptees have a ton of issues. We bring baggage to the table. And I think that sometimes we do project a little bit. I know that I've taken offense to things that first mothers have said that I shouldn't because I have these horrible feelings toward Nicole from time to time. I know I've projected her hurtful behavior on good people, and I hate that I do that sometimes. Lately, I've been counting to ten and then reexamining to make sure I'm not overreacting. It still happens, but I'm getting better.
I guess my point is, blame games are no fun. There are no winners. We all get hurt and nobody comes out on top. Now I'm going to go sing Black Eyed Peas, "Where Is The Love?"
Sometimes it feels like my life is a movie and seeing as I'm really bad at coming up with titles, the title would be bad. This blog follows my journey through my personal adoption reunion.
I hear you, girl. But- I will say that our feelings are FACTS. It is a fact that I feel abandoned, not once, but twice. And it IS a fact that my Mother abandoned me twice. I will not allow anyone to tell me MY truth, or my Mother's truth.
ReplyDeleteIs it guilt that some n Mothers feel the need to put their own stories on us? I do not know, but Im mighty sick of it.
Great post. I know it's not a contest but I do know how adoptees blog about they didn't have a choice in the matter and that is a fact that I don't think anyone can argue with.
ReplyDeleteLinda, what do you mean is it guilt that some n Mothers feel the need to put their own stories on us? Do mean as in your own birthmom putting their story on you or birthmoms in general sharing their stories?
No, there are "some" Mothers, mostly from the BSE who feel the need to force adoptees into believing that our Mothers faced the same fate. The BSE was real, and a horrible time for women and their children. BUT- even though it happened, it doesn't mean everyone's Mother was forced or tricked. Mine was not, and I know many other first Moms of adoptees who also say they were not forced. EVERY relinquishment/surrender/adoption is different, just as every reaction to those situations is different.
ReplyDeleteIm not sure why they need to do this. I think maybe it could be guilt because they could not prevent their situation? I don't know, nor do I understand- just as I cannot comprehend why some adoptees have such hatred for f Mothers- not just their own, but Mothers as a group. Just makes no sense to me.
Linda if you lived in Australia and had been subjected to the abuse, criticism and judgement some of us have by a small group of mothers who believe they know far more about adoption from the adoptee angle than we do, even though some of them are younger than some of us, you might understand why some of us have walked away from mothers other than the ones who have proven to be open minded.It is tragic but adoptees have to speak for themselves.I don't believe blame helps anyone but I understand why it happens.Von
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda for explaining more. I am not from the area where women were sent away and didn't have a choice and I was pretty much forced into adoption by my Mom. I do believe there are women who choose adoption. However, I think as long as money is to be made we are always going to have unethical adoption practices because it would be hard to remain unbiased in some situations. I don't think birthparents are forced mostly in today world but I can imagine that some agencies and lawyers know how to make someone feel that they are not good enough to be parents.
ReplyDeleteOh, Von...I have seen the vitriol, and there really is no need for this type of behavior. No one knows what another goes through unless they live it. I have compassion for these mothers and their children, we are all victims of the adoption machine in some way or another.
ReplyDeleteThankfully, most of the adoptees with whom I associate do not play this victim/blame type game. The ones who DO participate in these head games have caused me to rethink with whom I associate. They suck the life out of me, lol, and I only have one.
I agree, birthmothertalks. The industry is very good at selling mothers a line of garbage that they are not worthy to parent. But there are women who do not wish to parent, both now and during the BSE. I used to think in black and white, but I know there are many many shades in between.
"I used to think in black and white, but I know there are many many shades in between."
ReplyDeleteThis is so true!