Truth Challenge: Day 1

It’s funny but I’ve been trying to post every day. I’m not sure why but I guess it’s because when I go for something, I really go for it with all I’ve got. This blog is kind of like that! I’m starting to wonder what I’m going to write about eventually when I’ve finished telling my reunion story and there’s no new news. There are a lot of topics I can cover, but eventually I’m going to have to stop posting every day in order to keep my sanity. However, I don’t think that’s going to be any time soon! Why you may ask? I discovered blog challenges!

I’ve decided to take the 30-day blog challenge. I’m a bit late with this and I wasn’t going to do it originally, but I feel inspired today. I figured it will be a nice break from some of my other posts, though I have a feeling that some of them will probably be tied into my issues! And no worries, I’ll also interrupt the postings if I have any major updates.

Day 1: Something you dislike about yourself.

The biggest thing that I don’t like about myself is how I worry about what others think of me. I try to pretend all that time that what they think of me doesn’t matter and I don’t care as much anymore about strangers. I was a RA for two years and that cured me somewhat, but when it comes to people who I care about, I care very much what they think of me.

I’m constantly worried that I’ve said the wrong thing or that I’ve done the wrong thing. I analyze how people respond to me and I go over situations that I don’t feel comfortable with over and over again. If you said something to me that could be taken a few different ways, I’ll think about all of the different things you might have meant and I’ll walk through each scenario and plan out how I’m going to deal with it later.

I don’t think quick on my feet so sometimes I don’t respond the way I wish I did. I’m also really bad at responding when I get put on the spot. I’m so afraid of coming across the wrong way that I just shut down and don’t respond the way I should. I don’t stand up for myself even though I know I should. I have had people say some pretty hurtful things to me and I’ve just sat there and taken it.

I have gotten very angry with people who I am close to and I don’t confront it. I just let it stew and eventually things calm down and I just go on with life. I’m so concerned that people will think poorly of me that I can’t tell them how I really feel. When it comes to things I don’t care about, I’ll let you know what I think. I’ll add that it’s just my opinion when I’m done so that you don’t think I think too highly of myself, but it’s the stuff I really care about that you will almost never find out how I really feel, the things that I should let people know about. Go figure. Then again sometimes I tend to boil over (like the teapot pic) and I'm the one that gets burned.

I guess that’s why I like this blog so much and I love the online community I’ve found. I’m slowly coming around and hope to get better the more I share here how I really feel.