I’m so frustrated lately with my family. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can either be honest with them about what’s going on in my life and risk hurting them, or I can keep it to myself and not share a major part of my life with my family. For some, withholding their search and reunion may have been a better choice, but my mom is not just my mom, but she is one of my best friends too. We take trips just the two of us, we talk every day, and we have a very good relationship. Holding back from her isn’t easy and we try to be honest with each other.
However, ever since I have started my reunion, it’s gotten harder and harder to be honest with my parents. It’s almost like they want the reunion to fail. I’m not allowed in their eyes to be excited about any of it and any time I express happiness or excitement to them, they warn me of potential downfalls. I shouldn’t really say “they” because it’s only with my mom that these discussions ever really come up. My dad just doesn’t want to know, and I’m ok with that. We don’t have that type of relationship and that isn’t going to change.
I’ve noticed that I’ve become the bad guy in my family. If there’s a family problem, I’m the one that tends to get blamed for it. My sister and I get into a fight, it’s my fault and I’m the one who is supposed to fix it. When I try and she doesn’t want anything to do with me, it’s still my fault because she is hurt that I found my natural sisters. I can’t win. I’m not allowed to be happy that I have two more sisters out there, never mind the fact that I have yet to meet them and they don’t even know about me.
I’m just so frustrated because I can’t win, no matter what I do. I can’t share the good with them because they feel threatened, I can’t share the bad with them because they use it against me, and I can’t not share because then I’m withholding and not being a good daughter. It’s not about me, it’s about them. Vent over now. Thanks for reading!
Sometimes it feels like my life is a movie and seeing as I'm really bad at coming up with titles, the title would be bad. This blog follows my journey through my personal adoption reunion.
Hey, I have never commented before so let me introduce myself, I'm Staci. Anyway, let me just say that I completely understand your prediciment, the same thing happened to me. What I did was keep each life seperate. It's a bit hard when I want to talk about things but it works for me. I don't talk about either side with either party. I understand some people cannot do this because living two different lives is hard. I just refuse to pick a side. Just wanted to let you know that I sympathize fully, you'll work out the best solution for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment! I'm starting to learn that I need to keep things separate. It's really hard, but I've been happier since I stopped talking about things with my mom. I'm working out what's best for me, which I think is going to be not allowing my adoptive family to know about how things are going with my natural family. That's where I'm heading, at least for now. Someday I hope that changes, but I don't think that will be anytime soon.
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