Unasked Questions

I have a number of questions that I haven't asked my first father.  Each week when we email, we each come up with a question or two for the other person to answer.  These questions are usually "Getting to know you" questions and we answer them for ourselves.  So for example, I might ask my first father what his favorite Christmas gift was and then explain that mine was a dollhouse my grandfather built for me.  I'd then go on to describe why it was so special (it took him hours to finish and it was exactly the kind that I wanted) and how it's one of the few things that I have that reminds me of him.

So most of our emails go back and forth like that.  Sometimes the questions are better than others.  I usually learn things about him that I didn't expect because of the way he answers the question.  So it's an interesting thing.  Also, for a while we were talking on the phone too so our emails were less of "how was your week?" and more "what am I supposed to write about?"  It's a challenge.

That being said, there are questions that I've always wanted to ask but haven't had the chance.  Actually, that's not true.  I've had the chance, but I've been too scared to ask.  I was afraid of scaring him away.  So I kept a few questions to myself.  Hard ones.  Ones that he may not want to answer.  And the truth is, he doesn't have to.  He doesn't have to do anything.  He could ignore them, like he's ignored other questions in the past.  I don't expect him to be a walking encyclopedia and he doesn't have to lay his life bare to me.  He tends to do that anyway, but that's another story for another day.  On the other hand, I'm a naturally curious person and I ask weird questions anyway.  And I've answered every question he's asked me.

I want to know if he's ever planning on telling his/my family about me.  I'm curious.  I want to know what he sees happening when my sisters find out about me.  Are they going to be told they can't talk to their aunts/uncles/grandma about a new addition to the family?  I have these questions because he's made it seem like he never plans on telling them, but he hasn't actually gone that far in saying that.  I know he never expects me to meet them.  So I want to ask realistically how he sees this whole thing going down in the future.

There is no law that says anybody can limit two consenting adults from getting to know each other if they so chose.  So if I want to contact my paternal family (who are adults) I have the ability to do so and my first father doesn't get a say in it.  His actions the past few months have proven to me that he does not have my best interests at heart and that he's putting himself first.  So I've given myself permission to do what I think is best for me.  Right now, what's best for me is to wait.  I don't have time in my life for added drama.  But that doesn't mean it will always be that way.  So someday I'll get in touch when I'm in a good place to handle things.  Right now just isn't that time.

I'm curious as to how he sees the whole thing going down.  I really do wonder sometimes.  I have a feeling that he thinks that he'll tell his daughters someday, maybe ten years or so down the line and that they will keep his secret (or at that point his family won't be around anymore... at least his mother won't).  I'm also curious if that's a part of the decision to wait... he doesn't want his mother to know about me.  So I'm going to ask.  I'm going to wait another week or so (let the old drama settle a bit) and then I'll ask.  He could either answer (and then I'll sort of know depending if he lies or not) or he might not.  At least I'll have tried.

I have a few other questions too.  I'll be asking them over the next few months.  The gloves are off.  I don't owe him anything.  He doesn't owe me anything.  I have nothing to lose at this point.  He's already destroyed my trust.  He has a new nickname in my head (it's the same as my old vice principle, a man who did everything our principle told him like a puppet on a sting).  So I'm asking.  No more nice, obedient adoptee.  Time for the real Jenn to show her face and ask her questions.  I'm done playing a role.  It's time to just be me.