Extended First Family

My Family Tree is a bit bare...

I've been thinking a lot lately about my extended first family.  I don't know why, but I have them stuck in my head these last few days.  I think that a part of it has to do with the fact that my maternal grandfather's birthday just past.  The first one.  My first parents signed my relinquishment papers on his birthday.  What a great gift to him!  Actually, I don't know if it was a gift or not.  He's the grandparent who puzzles me most about this whole thing.

My paternal grandmother wouldn't have approved of my adoption.  We all know it.  That's why she doesn't know about me.  I was going to clue her in, but she's not well according to my first father.  So even if I do tell her, she probably won't remember it.  It's selfish, but I don't think I can handle one more person with serious brain issues in my life.  So I'm not going to "out" myself to her.  It would just cause more harm than good at this point.  If my first father wants to come clean to her, he's going to have to do it himself.

My paternal grandfather wouldn't have approved either.  I just get the sense that he wasn't the kind of guy who would be ok with his family being raised by someone else.  He wasn't the most traditional kind of guy.  He had two kids with one woman, got divorced, and had a companion for the rest of his life, who he never lived with (my grandmother), and had two kids with her.  So not the most traditional guy.  I don't think he would have cared that I was born out of wedlock.  We'll never know.  He passed away four years ago.

My maternal grandmother did not approve of me.  Apparently I caused a lot of issues between my first mother and her.  That's one of the reasons why my first mother doesn't want to tell her parents that I'm back in touch.  Because it will bring up old problems.  I got the feeling that she pushed for my adoption.  My first mother had already made up her mind, but she wouldn't have been able to change it with my grandmother pushing her once she knew about me.  What would the neighbors think?

My maternal grandfather, I just don't know about.  He was with my grandmother.  He knew about me.  But after all the conversations with both first parents, he'd be thrilled if I got back in touch.  No, he didn't fight for me.  No, he didn't tell anyone about me.  But he'd be happy now.  This leads me to think that maybe he wasn't really ok with it back then.  Then again, I won't know unless I meet him.  And he's the one that I want to meet. It's weird, but I went into a similar profession as him.  We're both engineers.  And in all the photos I have of him, he's smiling.  He looks like the kind of grandfather any girl would want.  I know he has a temper.  I've been told stories about it.  But nobody's perfect.  But then again, he might have pushed my first mother to give me up.  What kind of person doesn't support their daughter to keep their child?  I was his granddaughter.  But I know I don't know the whole story here.  I'm trying not the judge, but I really don't know.

As for the rest of them, my first father's family I've been warned about.  They don't seem like the kind of people I'd want to meet.  Or maybe they are and words have been twisted.  Who knows.  My first mother's family is her brother.  Who knows about me.  Who I want to meet.  He's a computer scientist, which is a parallel field to mine.

I have about nineteen cousins floating around out there.  Some are older than my first parents.  Most have their own children at this point.  Out of the nineteen, I'm sure there's someone I would like.  I mean, who knows how many first cousins I have?  But it would take so much to get to know them.  And most of them live in Georgia.  And there would be lots of drama.

I'm curious.  I'll admit that.  I want to know them.  I want to feel like I know my biological family.  But I don't know if I can deal with the rejection that is sure to come from some of them.  Or the drama it's sure to dredge up.  Or the fact that I will most certainly be put in the middle.  So I don't know.

I probably won't ever meet my biological grandmother on my first father's side.  That side of the family may be lost to me forever.  But who knows about the maternal side?  I don't know if it would be worth it.  Ugh.