First Letter

It's a rocky path

I'm still waiting for my first mother to email me back after I emailed her two weeks ago.  I've gotten emails back from her a month after my email, so it's not super odd.  It's just annoying this time because I want to order my email book from my first mother.  I love the one that I got of the emails between my first father and I, and I want that for my first mother.

I've been reading through some of the old emails and boy is it interesting.  I do that every once and a while but each time I remember a new snippet or gain a new insight.  I feel like I understand her a lot better now.  It would be so much easier if I could hate her.  It really would.  But I can't.  And I didn't understand why when my first father told me she was a great person, I understood.  Because she didn't treat me very well at the end.  But then I went back and reread some things, and I knew why it made sense to me when he said that.  Because the woman who started emailing me back in February of 2010 was very different than the one who closed the door on me.  It was nice to see the happy, and good side of her, even if just through those first emails.

I also can't believe how much I've grown over the last (nearly) two years.  I don't think I would have written the first letter the same way.  For kicks, here's a part of what I wrote:

My mother and I recently had a conversation where she offered to help me find you. She confessed it was partially selfish on her part as she wanted the opportunity to thank you for everything that you have given her. It made me think about how much I wanted to thank you for what you did for me. This was something that I needed to do on my own, but it made me realize just how much support I have. I guess what it comes down to is that I need you to know that I grew up loved and safe, and I can never thank you enough for this gift.

I don't think that I would have written that part the same way.  Then again, maybe I would have.  I don't know.  I've learned a lot over the last year or so.  I've gotten to know more adoptees, more adoptive parents, and more first mothers.  I've learned about issues surrounding adoption, and I've learned how to handle things in my own life better.  I may not be able to fix them, but recognizing you have a problem is the first big hurdle to cross.

It's been a long journey.  And it's not over.  This is something that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life.  I can only hope that the work that I have put in, and will continue to put into it will eventually help to smooth the way.  I've gotten a few of the big rocks cleared, a few of the little ones, but there's a lot more work to be done.  There are more hurdles to jump.  I just keep reminding myself that it's a marathon, not a sprint, and I have a long road ahead.  But I know I'm not in it alone, no matter how much it can feel like that some days.  I have some great people supporting me, who are behind me.  My letter reminded me of that.  So I'll come out a stronger person.  I know I will.  And I will survive this mess.