One More Year and I'll Be Halfway to Fifty

I don't know what to write today.  I'm going to see my first father soon.  It's not like I haven't met him before.  It's just that I'm showing him a lot of my life today in my hometown.  On my birthday.  Weird.

Deep.  Breath.

I wonder if my first mother will acknowledge the day?  I could get an email from her.  That's a possibility.  He could bring a card that she could either sign, or he could sign it for her (I have her signature from her first letter so I do somewhat know her handwriting).  Or she could ignore it.  Birthday's are hard...

In.  Out.

Last year she could have forgotten.  I forgot her birthday (whoops!).  This year she has no excuse because he knows it's my birthday.  Unless he doesn't tell her.  But that wouldn't make any sense.  I just don't see him telling her that he's coming to visit me and omitting that fact.  Then again, the last two times he's come to see me they've gotten into huge fights (she's scared someone will see him with me and think he's having an affair so she doesn't like our "get together's").  So maybe he didn't tell her.  So we'll see.

In.  Out.

I probably won't blog about it for a few days.  I feel like I'm going to need some time to adjust, reflect, and relax.  Then again, maybe I will.  Blogging helps me to process.  It has for the past year.  It's the journal I never could manage to keep writing.  I think that for me, I need to know that there's a possibility that someone out there will read it.  I don't know why that is, I just know that it keeps me going, keeps me writing, and that writing helps me to process.  I'm in a much better place since I started blogging.  It really is cheaper than therapy, which I probably should be in but I don't have the time right now (I know, I should make the time).

In.  Out.

I was super stressed out about telling my adoptive mom about seeing my first father.  My mom was upset with me before because I wasn't sharing things with her.  She was upset because she felt like this was going to come between us because I wasn't telling her things that I normally would tell her.  Sometimes it's just about me, but she had a hard time grasping that fact.  Either way, I promised her that I would let her know when I was going to see him.  And then my adoptive father told me not to tell her.  Because it would stress her out.  Because I don't think he's ever talked to her about her feelings about the whole thing.  Ever.  This is based on conversations I've had with him where he's been 100% clueless and had he spoken to my mom about it, he wouldn't be.  So I was between a rock and a hard place.  I told her.  I was really casual about it.  I was scared she'd want to meet him.  Or she wouldn't want me to see him.  Her response to "Just so you know I'm going to see SinginInTheRain this week" was "Ok".  No drama.  No big deal.  All that worry and anxiety over nothing.

In.  Out.

Life is complicated.  But I'm learning to deal.  Next year I'll be half way to fifty.  Joy.  Quarter life crisis?  Happy to have one more year left!

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