Internal Debate

I've been in a funk. I feel bad for people who have had to deal with me this past week. Things have just been "off". I have a decision to make. It shouldn't be a hard one. It shouldn't be a big deal. Yet it is. I've been invited to my high school's fifth reunion. I know, I know. Nobody likes reunions. It's hell for everyone. If I don't want to go, I shouldn't. It’s a bit more complicated for me.

For me, high school was hell. I don't think I'm alone in this at all. I had problems with friends for a long time. I have trust issues with girls. I'm not sure if they stem from adoption (which is a definite possibility) or if it's because the girls I was friends with and I had problems. A lot of problems. I was the girl that got kicked out of the lunch table. To this day I can't help but wonder why a middle school would have a table policy where only so many people can sit at one table at lunch. And why teachers would make just one student move. A teacher told my table that one person had to move and watched me move alone, watched nobody volunteer to go with me, and watched me eat alone. This teacher did nothing. I don't blame those girls. They were 13 and 14. What did they know? I do blame the adults. Anyway, I didn't really have a core group of girlfriends that I could trust in high school. The people I did put my trust in probably weren't the best people to trust. So I was doomed from the start.

Added to that was the fact I wasn't popular by any means. While we lived in a nice house, it was nothing compared to the other homes in my town. My parents were good at putting on a good show, but they couldn't afford the latest clothes so I was never "in style". I was smart. Too smart sometimes. I did well in class and the teachers loved me. I was labeled a nerd and therefore untouchable. By the time my senior year rolled around, I was miserable and couldn't wait to get out. I was having trouble with my mom at home, I was pissed off because my "best friend" started dating the guy I liked, and my friends all forgot my 18th birthday, a day that was really hard for me to begin with. So great senior year.

I wasn't smart when it came to social stuff. I liked a boy who got picked on. I stood up for him, which was the right thing to do. I called a few boys on their crap. And it worked, they stopped picking on the boy. Instead they turned to me. Instead of calling him stupid, they told me I was stupid because I was a girl. My ideas were instantly shot down in my engineering classroom. I was bullied, harassed, and messed with. I was cornered in a closet. I was attacked from behind. And NOBODY stood up for me. They sat back and watched it happen. The teacher was never around. I had the option of reporting it, which at my school would have been taken seriously (though not as seriously as it would be taken now). Yet the main boy who was bullying me was a popular guy. And his best friend was a bitchy girl who reveled in making other girls miserable. Think that movie Mean Girls. So I didn't say anything. I was at the bottom of the totem pole, but kept a low profile so I wasn't too miserable. I knew if I reported what was happening to me, they would make my life a living hell. I had nobody to turn to so I kept it to myself. I didn't tell my friends, I didn’t tell any teachers, and I didn't tell my family. My grades went from As to Ds and nobody questioned it. I withdrew, they thought it was typical teenage drama. It happens.

My boyfriend was the first person I told about what happened to me. I had to explain why I don't like people sneaking up behind me and why his innocent gesture was met by a panic attack. Telling him gave me the courage to tell two of my friends. One knew me in high school, but not well enough. She was amazed that something like that actually happened in our high school and she didn't know about it. I'm sure a lot more than that went on and I'm sure that worse things happened to good people. I don't think what happened to me was the worse thing in the world, but it was bad enough that five years later I still try to block it out.

I haven't seen those boys since I graduated. I'd be happy never to see them again. I hope karma comes around and gets them. I'm usually a nice person. But not when it comes to them. They most certainly will be at this reunion. If I want to avoid them, I wouldn't go. But is that giving them power over me? It's been five years. I'm not the same girl. I can turn and walk away now. I can stand up for myself. And I have a fantastic group of friends that I connected with after graduation that totally have my back. I'm not at the bottom of the totem pole anymore. I'm worth more than that and I know it.

So to go, and deal with seeing them and the possible panic attacks that will ensure, or to stay home and try to recover. I don't know. At least I have until November to figure it out!