Black and White

A comment was made recently on The Blame Game post, and I wanted to blog about it some more. The comment came in from Linda. She wrote:

"I used to think in black and white, but I know there are many many shades in between."

It's funny, but I used to think in black and white before I started to really deal with my adoption issues. It's these issues that made me really confront some things.

I used to think that there was a right and a wrong, and that there was nothing in between. In between was just an excuse, for people who didn't want to do the right thing. The in between was for wishy washy people who didn't have the strength to do the right thing. An example for the class. I used to be pro-life all the way. I believed that there was NO reason to ever abort a baby. I didn't agree with abortion and thought that people who had one were morally wrong. It was wrong in my book and could never be right. It bothered me that my grandmother was pro-choice. It bothered me that so many women I admired were pro-choice and I admired them less. Then when I started to see that maybe adoption isn't all rainbows and flowers, I started to see the pain that comes from adoption gone bad, and sometimes even when adoption goes right. I've heard adoptees say they would have rather been aborted. And suddenly, grey entered the picture. I now believe in pro-choice. I don't believe that anyone should have to have a baby if they don't want to. I don't think this world needs more children who need families. If your child isn't aborted, there is no guarantee that they will get a good adoptive family. They may not be lucky. And if they are never born so they will never know that pain. I personally don't think I could have an abortion, but I've never been in that position and I don't judge women who have anymore. There is grey. It's not a moral absolute.

I like to think that my sister Kate is just like me only if I had gone to a Catholic school. Everything to her is black and white. She gets upset if someone illegally burns a DVD. She attended a pro-life rally. This is another reason that I'm in the dark. Our parents are afraid that she'll think that what her parents did was wrong. Not that they gave me up, but that they had a child before they were married. Black and white. No grey. They are afraid that she'll never see them the same way again. They are afraid that their relationship will change. If she saw grey, maybe things would be a little bit different. Yet, somehow I think I know at this point it wouldn't make a difference. If not that, then it would be something else. There will always be an excuse.

Learning about black and white, with shades of grey has been a big step for me. I think it's part of growing up. I've learned to listen more and speak less. I've learned that not knowing doesn't make you weak, it just means that you are more open to finding the many shades of grey in between. In fact, I am starting to think that maybe that's the better way to be. I'm also starting to think that I have a lot more to learn...