There’s a lot in my life that I don’t have control over right now. I don’t say that to sound like a whiny bitch, I say that because it’s the truth. It hasn’t been so much fun, but because I have no control over the situation, there really isn’t anything I can do about it. I’ve given up trying to take back control, because I’m learning pretty quickly that isn’t an option for me. So I’m learning to live without that control.
It’s a pretty hard step for me. I’m more of a Type-A personality than not. I like being in charge and I do best when I am the one doing the organizing. It’s not that I think I’m always right (though some people will tell you that I think I’m always right), it’s more that I have a problem with indecisive people running the show. I have a problem with people telling me what to do and then changing their minds. I may not be right, but at least I’m consistent.
That’s not to say that I don’t have an open mind about things. I’ll be the first to tell you when I’m up in the air about something. I don’t make up my mind lightly. I tend to want to get the most information as possible before making up my mind about something, and I like to weigh both sides. For example, I wasn’t sure which side of the whole gay-marriage thing I was on. I could see both sides, and my Catholic upbringing wasn’t a good enough reason to blindly follow. I started talking to a number of people who were more invested and involved than I was and listened to their arguments. I started to see that it really was a civil rights issue and I started to realize that it’s an equality issue. Knowing what I do now about my own rights and what documentation I don’t have access too, well, I see it even more clearly now.
Then again I am only an early-twenties idealist, so I’m sure I’ll think differently in the years to come. For now, I’m just trying to add things to my life that I can control. I can’t control when my siblings find out about me, but I can control how put together I am about the whole thing when they do find out about me. That means dealing with my adoption issues now and putting myself in the right mind-frame in case they do want to contact me. It might take years, but at least I’m working towards it. I can’t control my mother’s health, but I can control mine. So I’m working out (yay for me!) and starting to eat right. I’m actually taking my medication rather than blowing it off (I have bad habits like that I know) and I’m starting to feel better.
Control is so hard to give up but I’m working on accepting the things I cannot change. I’m working through it. It might take me a while, but I’ve got a great support system and some great friends to help me along the way.
Jenn, I can relate to what you say about control... Which seems to be one of the many things adoptees lack.. Speaking mostly from my personal experience. I thought I'd have control and power over my own personal name, I even payed for it and made it legally offical. Yet there's no recognition from my a family's side... I hope you will be able to get in contact with them some day... don't give up !!!
ReplyDeleteTorrejon said...
ReplyDeleteI used to try to be in control of everything. And that really does get exhausting! I finally decided that it is a whole lot less work--and much more fun--to ocassionally relinquish control of things that might not be so important to me. Start small. Pick one topic (such as what restaurant you and buddy will dine in) and just hand over that decision to the other person. It was difficult for me to admit that sometimes other people can make good decisions. Work your way up from that. It might sound counter-intuitive, but the more control you give up for unimportant things and the less energy you expend there...the more energy you have to invest in the really important things!
@Elle - Thanks for the support! And I'm sorry they don't recognize your name. It's not the same thing but my family won't call me Jenn. It's always Jennifer to them. Sometimes families just get a bit stuck on names. Doesn't make it right though.
ReplyDelete@Torrejon - Thanks for the advice! I'm going to try to take it. I think that I need to learn how to give up control a bit more. And I'll start small. I def need that mystical energy that you speak of ;-)