Body Image

I've always been really thin.  I've been that way since I was a little kid.  I had a six-pack when I was six.  There are photos to prove it.  It's not something that I'm proud of because I don't have to work at it.  I don't spend a ton of time at the gym, I don't watch what I eat, and I don't usually have to worry about being too heavy.  In fact, it's the opposite for me.  I usually have to make sure that I'm eating enough.  I fight to keep my weight at an acceptable level.  I also can't eat a lot of foods that I would normally eat in order to put on weight, so it gets tough.  I wish I could eat a bowl of ice cream every day and pack on the pounds from eating pizza but those two offenders are at the top of my "Can't Eat Or I'll Start Puking And Could Die" list.

I've never really liked the way I look.  I don't think the super skinny thing is attractive.  My adoptive family isn't as thin as I am.  I wouldn't call them a huge group of "large" people, but they aren't delicate little flowers either.   Some of my adoptive family members have struggled with weight.  My adoptive mother is one of them.  As odd as this is going to sound, I wanted to be just like her.  I would have rather been a little bit overweight just like her because then I could connect to her on that level.  But I wasn't.  I was always just a little bit underweight.  It was embarrassing.

I know that people struggle with weight-loss all the time.  You can't turn on the TV without seeing an ad for a new program.  It makes me embarrassed that I don't have to try to loose weight.  I don't go to the gym even though my boyfriend says it looks like I do.  I wish I had a few more pounds on me.  I'm not a "healthy" person.  I'm not toned, I can't run more than a hundred yards without getting winded, and I need to eat better.  Yet I can't work out because I don't have the fat to loose.  I get dizzy just trying.  And that's never a good thing.  I'm sure if you've ever had weight problems you're probably rolling your eyes at me right now and I don't blame you.  I feel like it's something I can't complain about because everyone else struggles trying to loose weight and I have to try to gain some.

I think that's one of the reasons meeting my first dad was so important to me.  I'd seen pictures, but I never really grasped from the pictures how thin he actually was.  Turns out he's been that way his whole life.  He got made fun of at school because he had skinny legs and knobby knees (ME TOO ME TOO!!!).  Hearing about how he struggled with gaining weight as a child made me realize that I wasn't alone in that too.  It's nice not always being alone.  It's nice having someone else understand.  It has made me feel more comfortable with myself and with my body.  I still wish I was a few pounds heavier, but I don't obsess over it anymore.  I am who I am.