Am I Better Off?

Am I better off now that I found my natural family?

There is a small part of me that wonders about this.  This very small part wonders if it was better not to know.  Was it better being able to pretend that my natural mother loved me and wanted what was best for me?  Was it better not knowing and not dealing with the pain that came along with my reunion?  This very small part wonders sometimes.  I miss waking up in the morning and not dealing with my adoption issues.  It was sort of nice back in the fog.  It was nice to wake up and not wonder if today is going to be the day I get an email back from my natural mother.  It was nice to fall asleep without wondering if she is thinking about me and knowing the answer is probably not.  It was nice not to fear hurting my parents by accidentally mentioning a funny thing that my natural father told me.  It was nice being happy about being adopted.

Yet, every time one of these thoughts breaks into my head, the rest of me starts shouting at that small part that I'm wrong.  It is so much better to know.  It is so much better to have my truth.  I won't pretend that it's not amazing getting to know SinginInTheRain.  Its so great to know that I have two sisters out there.  It's amazing knowing my ethnic background.  I wake up in the morning and know my history.  I know why I was given up.  It wasn't my fault, it was just a really bad situation.

While dealing with being out of the fog can be hard, I truly believe that knowing my truth is always better.  For all the bad things that I have to deal with, I have three more good things.  It's still a painful thing for me, it's crazy hard, and there are days when I just want to walk away from it all.  Yet, this is my life.  This is who I am and who I will always be.  Being adopted is a huge part of who I am.  It defines a part of me and how I see myself.  I know I am a strong person and this whole reunion process has reinforced that idea.

I have my bad days but more and more those days are getting fewer and fewer.  I am excited for the future and I'm so happy that someday I'll be able to share my history with my children.  I do believe I'm better off.  As corny as it sounds, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I'm living proof when it comes to adoption.