The "New" Me

I feel like a new person these days.  I'm a new person.  I'm a new me.  I never thought it was possible to feel this way before.  I never knew that it was an option.  I had no clue that meeting a biological relative could make me feel this way.  I figured I had it all figured out by this point, or at least more figured out than not.  I had after all been in contact with my natural mother for over a year.  One year, one month, and nine days on the day that I met my natural father (well, from the day I sent the first letter).  I had time to process.  We've spoken on the phone once a week for nearly an hour each week (once for almost an hour and a half!) and we've gotten to know each other.  I had no clue that meeting him would make a difference.

I was so wrong about having it figured out.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I don't think I'll ever truly get there, but sometimes even when I feel like I'm walking forward I take a look around and realize that really I've been walking backward.  Go figure.

The new me knows that it's ok not to be just like my adoptive parents.  I always wanted to be just like them.  I wanted to talk like them, look like them, and share the same history as them.  I loved them (and still do) and wanted to be their child in every sense of the word.  I idolized them and it was so hard for me growing up when the differences between us were clearly pointed out. 

Most of the time it's my adoptive dad who is doing the pointing out.  Sometimes he doesn't even mean to do it, it just slips out or I read into something the wrong way.  When that happens I used to get so upset.  I would feel like it was additional slap in the face that we were so different and that I couldn't be the daughter he wanted me to be.  I know a lot of the time he thought I was really upset with him (and sometimes I was) but a part of it was always that I was really upset with me.  I wasn't the daughter he wanted.  I wasn't like him.  I was different.  We have different senses of humor.  I love to talk, he doesn't.  I'm emotional, he's stoic.  I always felt like there was something wrong with me.  I was supposed to be a blank slate right?  Should I be able to mold myself to be like him?

I beat myself up over this for years.  We never really got along.  I don't call him to chat because I never know how the conversation will end.  Now that I've met SinginInTheRain, a person who I am like so much, I realized that I don't have to be like my adoptive father.  It's not my fault that we are not alike.  I am just wired differently.  I can't change my DNA, and I shouldn't feel the need to try.  I am who I am and my adoptive father just needs to accept it.  More importantly, I need to accept it.

The new me isn't perfect.  I still have my bad days (see my last post!) but overall, I think this is a good thing.  I handle my bad days differently.  Before I wanted to lay in bed with the covers over my head, and didn't come out until I was starting to feel better.  Now, I get out of bed and function (mostly) on my bad days.  I'm a strong person, but this had made me even stronger.

For the first time in my life, I feel at peace with who I am.  I feel comfortable in my own skin in a way that I never did before.  I feel like a whole new person who has confidence.  I will probably always sit on my hands (bad habit) to keep from talking with them, but now when they come out on their own accord, I won't feel as badly about it.  I will probably still butt heads with my dad, but I won't feel like I need to change me from now on.  I'm excited to get to know the new me.  I have a new friend to make and I'm liking her more and more every day!  Maybe that's why I like to change my template for my blog so often...