My Sister Is Not Happy With Me...

So I told my adoptive family about finding my natural family.  And they all took it very well.  I didn't tell my grandmother because she's a special case.  I love her to death, but she's just not going to get it.  Honestly?  I don't want to deal with her drama.  I deserve better than trying to contain her.  So I told others instead and I'm just hoping news doesn't get back to her.  Or that if it does, they will do my job for me.  Is it the easy way out?  Yes.  I admit it.  I should face her and do the right thing and tell her myself.  It's a mistake in the making.  Will I call her tomorrow?  No.  My reason?  My sister.

My sister was OK with things when I talked to her.  We don't have the best relationship.  We used to fight all the time.  I went away to college, and that seemed to get better.  We started getting along really well.  We learned that we just don't do so well when we are in the same house.  Things were fantastic.  And then things changed.  She started dating a guy who was more important to her than her sister was.  All of a sudden I wasn't worth a phone call or an evening out with.  Whatever.  I can handle that.  But what I can't handle is her telling my intensely personal stuff to said boyfriend, who I don't know.  Before my parents knew about my discovery of NeverTooLate and SinginInTheRain, the boyfriend knew.  I was so hurt and I made a huge mistake.  I didn't tell her how hurt I was.  I felt betrayed, but I didn't speak up.  I figured that it wouldn't change anything and I was afraid that she would be mad at me for being upset.  So I kept my mouth shut. 

The summer was awful for me.  I needed my sister, but she didn't have time for me.  We grew further apart.  I was dealing with stuff with NeverTooLate and I had nobody in my family to turn too.  My adoptive mother didn't understand what I was going through and she always picked NeverTooLate's side.  It never seemed like she was on my side.  I couldn't talk to her.  My adoptive father was not a choice either because we don't have the best relationship to begin with.  I wouldn't have liked what he had to say so I didn't tell him what I was going through.  My boyfriend didn't get it.  He tried, and I love him for it, but he was up that good ol' creek without a paddle.  I needed my sister and she wasn't there.  I had to deal with it on my own and I started to really turn to my friends for the help in processing things that I needed.

Then the end of the summer rolled around and we got into a huge fight.  I was tired of being the only person who was making an effort.  That's what I was doing with NeverTooLate, and other people in my life, I felt like my sister should be making at least half of the effort with me, not no effort at all.  I blew up at her.  She didn't see it coming, and I was so upset that I left.  I realize now what that must have been like for her, a fellow adoptee.  This was a huge mistake too.  Our relationship hasn't been the same.  It's been tense, which isn't helped by my parents who keep trying to push us together and make us work it out.  It's something that is going to take a lot of time to heal.  We need time and space and I think both of us need to figure out our own stuff first.

I cut her out of my reunion story.  I didn't fill her in on any of it.  I didn't want her to know because I was afraid she would use that information against me.  I don't really trust her.  At the same time, I knew that I couldn't told my other relatives and not tell her.  So I called her last and told her what was going on.  I needed to work my way up to it.  Looking back on it, it may have been the wrong thing to do.  She's mad at me now because I didn't tell her sooner.  I got a scathing email a few weeks back from her.  I sent a response.  I told her that I was sorry for my mistakes but that she needed to take some responsibility for hers.  It takes two to tango.  She doesn't feel that way and doesn't feel the need to apologise.  She is totally in the clear here according to her.  It's all my fault and I'm "on my high horse" and "being a drama queen".  I've made mistakes, and I'm sorry for them, but I can't change them.  And you know what?  It wasn't all my fault.  I was the bigger person and apologized.  I did the best that I can do at this point.  I do feel bad for her.  She is so wrapped up in her own drama that she can't see how she's really hurting herself in the long run.

My sister has a very different adoption story than I do.  She could find her natural mother tomorrow if she wanted to and would be received in theory with open arms.  She knows this, or at least I think she knows this.  However, she isn't sure if she is ready for this.  I don't know if she will ever be ready.  Knowing my sister the way I do, I think she's very angry about being given up.  I think she's upset that her mother wasn't too young, had a job, and had already raised a child.  I think she's angry that her mother didn't give up smoking or drinking when she was pregnant because she was going to give the baby away anyway.  At least I would be pissed.  I think that my reunion triggered something in her and she didn't know how to deal.  I think that her solution was to push me away rather than allowing me to help her out.  It's so hard when two adoptees try to solve things on their own rather than helping each other out.  We are such a small group we should be helping each other, yet we don't always provide the right kind of support.  It's so hard.  I digress.  My sister has some serious issues out, but she's chosen me to be her scapegoat.  I'll probably be in this position for a while.  I don't really care at this point.  I've moved on with my life.  If she decides she's ready for a better relationship with me, then I'm here for her.  If not, I'm not holding my breath.

This whole thing has made me realize something though.  It made me realize that really, who I tell and when is all up to me.  I was so mad when she told me that she had a right to know about my reunion story.  I'm sorry, but that's no body's right.  I have a right to share when I see fit.  I have a right to blog about it if I want (she doesn't know about this blog as far as I know).  I have a right to not share with someone that I don't trust.  It's up to me.  I haven't always had control, but in this I do.  And I'm sorry if I've upset anyone, but really, it's not about my sister or my grandmother, or anyone else for that matter.  This is about me and how comfortable I feel.  So my grandmother is going to have to wait to hear about this from me.  I'm not ready.  I don't have to tell her and I am choosing not to.  If someone else does, well, that's out of my hands.  But I do have a say in who I tell.