Perfect Reunion Question

What does your idea of a perfect reunion look like?  I've been thinking about this lately, and it's a hard question for me to answer.  As part of my healing journey, I started reading blogs.  I read a lot of blogs.  I started by reading Adult Adoptee blogs.  Then I started to read some First/Natural Mother blogs.  And I even read a few Adoptive Parent blogs.  These blogs helped me to heal.  Then I joined a support forum online.  And I read lots of articles about adoption.  And I read books now.  I have a bunch of books on a reading list just waiting for me to finish unpacking and getting my life organized so I have time to sit and read them.  The point is, I have read and heard a lot of stories about reunion.  And each reunion is different.  I wouldn't call myself an expert, but I do think I'm educated enough to broach the topic.

For starters, a huge part of reunion is respect.  You can't have an even half decent reunion without respecting the other party.  I'll never know for sure what first/natural mothers went through unless I have a child that I surrender (which I never plan to do because I've now come out of the fog.  Back when I was foggy, this would have been an option for me).  I won't know their pain.  I can listen, I can try to put myself in their shoes, but I'll never really know their pain.  I do however know my pain.  And unless they too are adopted, they will never know what I've been through.  I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones when it comes to my adoptive family, but even with the great parents and the wonderful family, I still deal with pain from adoption every day of my life.  Little things bother me that don't bother other people, and I have to deal with this each and ever day that I'm alive, and will continue to deal with this for as long as I live.  In reunion, you have to realize that everyone will bring their own experiences to the table.  You can share your story, but others in the so called triad will never truly get it.  We can however listen and respect the other party.  We can thank them for sharing.  We can try to understand and we can give them the benefit of doubt.  We can respect them.  That's so important.  It's the pillar of a good reunion.

Next, my idea of a perfect reunion includes living in the moment.  I think that sharing the past is great because it shows the other person where we are coming from.  It's wonderful to fill in others about the joys of our lives and hard to share the pain.  But if we can get through it, it can bring people closer together and answer questions that we've had.  However, there comes a point where we have to accept that we can't change anything.  I have another family, and talking to my natural parents will never change that.  I can't go back and make up the years with them.  I can't go on family camping trips that have all ready happened, and they can't go back and see me do all the things that parents want to see their children do.  We can't change the past.  We have to accept this and move forward.  I can't control the past.  I didn't have a choice then, but I do have a choice now.  And we have control over the future.  It's important.  So living in the pain of the past doesn't always help.  It's good to acknowledge, but at some point you have to move past it to things that you can control, things that you can change, and you have to learn to be happy.

Finally, for me, a perfect reunion involves sensitive honesty.  This is complicated, so I'm going to attempt to explain the right way.  Honesty is important.  I know that as an adoptee, I waited my whole life to ask some of these questions.  I wanted to know when, where, why, what, and how.  I needed these answers and I'd be devastated if the answers I got weren't true.  That being said, I think that when it comes to the truth, there's a nice way and a wrong way to tell it.  That's where the sensitive part comes in.  For example, if I'm asked if I thought about my natural father on Father's Day every year, the answer would be no.  I didn't give him much of a thought.  I still find that weird.  But if he were to ask me about it, I wouldn't tell him no.  Because I did think of him some years.  I would probably answer something like "I did think of you on Father's Day from time to time.  I would wonder about you and wonder if you were thinking about me".  Nothing in that statement is a lie, but it's not my first answer in my head.  I have a filter, and I think that filters need to be used in reunion every now and then.  I'm not saying to lie, just to be respectful of feelings.  Because I can guarantee that the truth can really hurt.  I know for me, I've had the same thing said different ways by two people.  And I'd much rather have heard it the second way first, the gentler way, with the apology.

Again, I'm not an expert.  And there are defiantly more parts to a perfect reunion.  But these are my thoughts today.  If you have any other ideas, please comment.  I'd love to hear what you have to add!