Dealing with Anger

Anger is such a simple thing, or at least it should be. Someone does something bad to you, you feel anger towards them, and you forgive them, and then try to move on. This is how it should be anyway in a perfect world. There are some complications however that I’m learning to deal with.

First of all, what do you do with anger that you do not know what to direct? If it’s not clear who the person is who did you wrong, then where do you focus that anger? For example, I don’t think that people were really doing what was “best” for me when I was adopted. Whose fault is it that my natural parents felt they had to find a permanent solution to a temporary problem? I’d say my grandparents, but it’s more than just that. It has to do with society too. How can you be angry at society, when you’re a part of it? We all make up society, and it’s really hard to be mad at everyone.

Another thing that surprises me is how quickly my anger crops up. I was never angry. I was always so happy that I wasn’t one of those angry adoptees. I entered into reunion thinking that I was one of the lucky ones who could go through reunion without having to get angry. After all, I had forgiven my natural mother and I told her numerous times that I was trying to understand her and that I wasn’t upset with her. Eventually I started to see our reunion for what it was, a one way street where she was the ones holding all the cards and playing whichever ones she felt like.

My anger comes and goes now. By hiding from that anger before, I did not deal with it properly. I did not face my true feelings which were there under the surface. Now I am working though that anger by trying to understand the source of it. Now don’t get me wrong; I love my family, my adoptive family. They are amazing and they are so good to me. Yet I do not just have two parents, I have four parents. No paper in the planet can tell me that I only have two. I am happy that I have my adoptive parents in my life. But I am still angry that my natural mother cannot be there for me. I am angry that she can’t put me first. I wish she would deal with her issues and we could all move on. Right now, from where I’m sitting she is not looking out for anyone other than herself. I am angry about that. It’s not just me she’s hurting. I’m worried about my sisters. I’m worried about the position she’s putting my natural father in. And I’m worried about never having the opportunity to meet my natural grandparents. I’m angry with them to be sure for failing to support her or give her more options than giving me away, but at the same time, they are a part of me and my history and I want to meet them.

I've tried to channel my anger into more productive things.  I blog.  I read more now.  Did you know that a study just showed that reading for something like seven minutes a day can cut your stress by two-thirds?  The things you learn...  When I have a bad day I clean with a q-tip and throw things away.  I break pencils when it gets really bad.  I throw pillows across the room onto my bed.  Maybe that's not so productive, but it helps and then I make them look pretty so my bedroom looks nice.

These days I'm attempting to deal with my anger.  I'm talking about it.  I'm facing it.  I'm learning from my natural mother's mistakes.  I'm letting people know how I feel.  I stand up for myself now like I never did before.  I'm working through my own issues and I'm learning how to face myself every day in the mirror in a way I was never able to do before.

Anger is a funny thing. For me, it’s been a roller coaster and I’m trying so hard to move past it. I have up days and down days. I know I will need to fully understand the problem, which is a rather large one before I can start to worry about putting the anger behind me completely. I’m taking baby steps, but I still have a long way to go. Adoptees get the short end of the stick more often than not and its going to take a lot before we get the understanding and support that we need from everyone.