Adoption-Ed 101: Why Adoption Language Matters

Some people probably wonder why people care about what terms are used.  I argue that it does matter.  In fact, it matters very much.  Language is how we communicate with the world.  It enables us to share with others.  Different language has different connotation, and effects how people feel.  Words can hurt.  They can make people feel different things and they can make people think about different situations.  If language didn't matter, if words didn't matter, I wouldn't be blogging and you wouldn't be reading this.

Using PAL assumes that adoption is a one time thing.  It is a marketing language that was created to paint adoption in a positive light and to assume that being adopted is no different from being born to that set of parents.  However, there is a difference.  It's been proven over and over again and I'm not going to get into it here.  I would just argue that being adopted does make a difference in an adoptee's life.  Adoption is a business and it makes people a lot of money.  People profit off of adoption and this language is used to sell the idea.

It needs to be acknowledged that there is pain that comes with adoption.  There is loss.  Natural parents need to be able to grieve for the loss of their child.  Adoptive parents need to grieve the loss of the biological connection to the child.  Adopttes need to grieve the loss of their mothers, the only mother they have known up until the time of their birth.  There is loss, there is pain, and no amount of sugar coating on language is going to change that.

I don't want to make a mother feel like an incubator.  I am not a "birth product", something to be sold.  I'm a person with thoughts and feelings, and I have my own voice and opinions.  I have two sets of parents and by denying the first set of parents, it's denying a part of who I am.  I got my brown eyes from somewhere and that "somewhere" needs to be acknowledged.

I also wanted to add that there is great debate over what to call a first/natural/birth/biological mother.  I've heard a lot of adoptive parents say they are hurt when the other mother is referred to as a "natural" mother.  The reasoning?  Well, they argue that it implies they are "unnatural" mothers in that term and that they deserve to be acknowledged as real mothers.  Here's the thing though; if you are an unnatrual mother vs a natural mother, wouldn't you be a death mother if she is a birthmother?  My adoptive mother is not an unnatural mother.  She is my mother plain and simple.  But so in my natural mother.  She is also my mother.  I have two sets of parents, and neither one of them is unnatural, nor less important that the other.

Language matters, and it needs to be considered.  At times it seems to be a petty argument, and I sincerely hope we can find a way to agree on what terms can be used.  Society needs to accept adoptees, accept reunions, and accept different family situations.  This can only be done with appropriate language and a common way for people to share experiences without fearing hurting other people.