Face to face maybe?

So I made a pretty big decision last week.  As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve been thinking a lot about guilt and shame and how it plays into my life.  It really made me think about these phone conversations I’ve been having.  Initially, I thought that we would chat once, get to know each other and then call every once and a while.  I wanted to meet him, but not totally sure how that whole thing would work with NeverTooLate.  At times like this I things would have been easier if they weren’t married.

Anyway, at this point, it seems like we have the weekly phone call stretching out in front of us for a long time.  Every week he says he’ll call next week.  And every week he does.  We did have a short break after Christmas (they went away on a family vacation – hurt to hear about but I’ve got my own vacation coming up thank you very much) and I’ve decided that I can’t keep playing into this.  I feel like an active participant in this lie that is my life because I am agreeing to only talk at certain times, not to call when his family is home (we had to cancel one week because of a snow day) and I can’t keep doing it.  I can’t feel like I’m trapped again.  I love our conversations, but it gets to a point where I need to feel some forward movement and I don’t right now.

If SinginInTheRain doesn’t want any more forward movement, then I’m ok with taking a step back for a while.  But I simply cannot keep going like this with his phone calls being the highlight of my week.  So I decided that it’s time for action.  I want to meet him face to face.  For real.  No more cell phone only, no more emails that are impersonal.  I want to see his face, see where I come from, hear him speak in the same room, and let him see me as a real person.

The normal person would have called him and asked on the phone.  But that freaked me out.  I couldn’t do it.  I also didn’t want to put him on the spot.  So I emailed.  I’m a coward I know.  I told him that I’d like to meet face to face but didn’t want to put any pressure on him.  I also didn’t want to put him on the spot so would give him time to think about it.  I got an email response that made me cry in a good way.  He’s wanted to meet me since we started emailing and when we talk next we’ll figure it out.  He’s going to ask NeverTooLate if she wants to come with him (I wouldn’t bet on it).  I really want this to work out and I’m so excited at meeting face to face!