Insert Bad Movie Title Here

I'm Really Going To Meet Her...

2012-02-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

It's been a week and I'm still processing that I'm going to meet my first mother. I always knew that someday I'd meet her, even if it meant that I'd have to show up on her doorstep. However, this isn't a theory anymore. This is actually happening. Like we're going to see each other face to face for the first time. Ever. Because she didn't see me when I was a baby. Wow. Deep breath.

She wants to bring my first father. I have mixed feelings for several reasons. For starters, I've always kept my relationship with her and my relationship with him as separate as I could. They are two individuals and so I've done my best to treat them that way. NeverTooLate has come up in conversations with SinginInTheRain, and he's been mentioned in the emails that I sometimes exchange with her. It's sort of an awkward position to be in but then again the whole situation is awkward so that's nothing new. Meeting her with him there... well that's going to merge the two. All three of us are going to share the same experience. Before the other was merely mentioned, the third did not participate. This is uncharted territory for all three of us.

My next concern is that I'm still angry with my first father from last December. I haven't spoken to him since then, though we have emailed a bunch of times since then. I'll admit to listening to an old voice mail from time to time when I have a hard day. I'm working so hard on forgiving him, but I know that I'll never really be able to trust him again. It's so hard for me at times because he really did hurt me, more than I think he realizes. It's going to be hard for me to see him. It's going to be hard to put a smile on my face and pretend that I'm happy he's there. However, I'm scared of what happens if I can't pull it off. I don't want to give my first parents any reason not to tell my sisters about me. I'm really hoping that this is going to help speed things up a bit in that regard and I don't want them to think that I hate him. I don't hate him. I'm hugely disappointed and hurt. That makes me angry. However, I still don't hate him, though I could see people being confused by that. I'm starting to wonder if I should talk to him on the phone beforehand... We'll see.

Finally, I'm nervous about the two of them being there to my one person. As my first father told me several times, if it comes down to me or her, he picks her. Which I understand. She's his wife and partner in life. He's known her forever. I've dealt with this with my adoptive parents too. If it was between me and my adoptive mother, my adoptive father would pick my adoptive mother every time. It's not always the nicest feeling, but it's the truth and I've learned to accept it. I know that meeting my first mother is going to be emotional for me. I had a hard time meeting my first father, so I'm expecting it to be a million times harder. We have so much more history between us and we haven't spoken on the phone. It will be the first time I will hear her voice since the day I was born. It's going to be hard and overwhelming. There's no getting around that. I have no idea how I'm going to react. I'm sure this is going to be very hard for her as well. Only she's going to have him there with her. She's going to have her life's partner there to hold her hand. I can't go alone into that situation.

I've asked Rudy to come with me. For starters, he's been with me through this whole process. He read my first letter before I sent it. He held me when I cried when she told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore. He smiled and laughed with me when I told him that my first father wanted to meet me. He's spent hours on the phone with me listening to the latest news. He got angry for me when my first father threw me under the bus. He was angrier than I was at the time and he helped me to see that the decision my first father made had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him. Rudy is my life's partner and my support. If that isn't enough of a reason, he isn't connected to my adoption the same way that my adoptive family is and therefore won't bring those emotions into the meeting. His concern with this meeting is because it's so important to me, his girlfriend of five and a half years. Plus, with him there, I have someone who can distract them if I need a minute to collect myself, and I have someone there who can take a picture!

We're still working out details. My first parents are on the same page with this and I've already gotten an email from my first father going over a few things. I didn't think she'd let me know so fast so I assumed that by the time she figured it out we'd be past Rudy's busy season. He's busy until the end of March and I really need him there with me. I know I met SinginInTheRain alone, and that was the best choice at the time. This time is different and I simply need someone else there. I'm going to make this work. And I'm not driving. I'm making Rudy drive. I'm not letting my nightmare come true! So right now, I'm waiting for my first parents to give me a date (after Rudy's busy season) and hopefully I'll know within the next few days! Wish me luck!

Question: Adoptee's Place In Both Families

2012-02-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

I got a great comment from Trish, a new reader on my post I'm "That" Adoptee. I felt it warranted it's own blog post!

I just found your blog and it was interesting that the first post I read was about something that has concerned me. My little girl is 2 years old now and we are in an open adoption situation where we have visited with the birthparents and have regular contact with them, and her birthmother's extended family as well. I really want my daughter to embrace both of her families and I think that she will have some opportunities to have that "oh you look like..." experience since we have pictures (she could be her birthmother's twin at the same age) and she will have regular contact with her biological family as she grows. Is there any advice you could give me that would help us balance her life so that she grows up feeling secure about her place in both families?

For starters, I think that you're on the right track by reading adult adoptee blogs and asking questions. Growing up, I wish my adoptive parents had done more at times to try to understand what it meant for me to be adopted. I love my adoptive parents and think they did a great job, except for that one thing. So coming here and asking questions gets you a big thumbs up from me!

I wish I had an open adoption. Mine was closed, so any advice comes from my perception of how open adoption works as an adoptee from a closed system. However, I do think that all you can really do as an adoptive parent is to make sure that your daughter feels secure in your family.

You can't control her first family and how they treat her. You can hope that they are going to help her feel secure in their relationship. You can encourage the relationship and be supportive of that relationship. You can maintain your own relationship with her first family as well, even though it might be really hard. I used to look to my parents for cues as to how I should feel about my first family. When I was younger, they said wonderful things about them and so therefore, I felt great about my first family. Then as I got older, outside influences started to effect that view because I was told a different story. When I asked my adoptive parents about my first parents when I started to question things, they didn't jump in with "Oh they were wonderful people" but rather "Well, they were young and you know they probably don't want to be found". Even though my "relationship" with my first parents was in my head, that relationship still suffered when my adoptive parents weren't encouraging a positive thought process. Maybe my adoptive parents wanted me to be realistic about my first parents. Who knows? Here's the thing. Your daughter will have a relationship with her first family. Fantastic! But she's going to look to you for guidance now and then. If you show her that you have a good relationship with them, she'll know that it's OK. Sort of like, lead by example.

That's just my take on it. Let her feel secure about her place in your family, which is the environment that you control. As for her first family, if you maintain a positive relationship with them and encourage (not force) her relationship with them, then I think you're doing great. Thanks for the great question! You really made me think!

Any other adoptees have their own answers to give?

Missing Branches

2012-02-22T09:00:00.001-05:00

My "Branch"

If you've been following along, you know that I've been doing a lot of research on Ancestry.com these days. I got an account about a year ago and I've kept up my membership. I've had a few people ask me why I keep up the membership. After all, didn't I find my information already? The membership doesn't keep the tree, it just allows you access to search the records. If I cancelled my membership, I'd still keep my tree and everything that's in it right now. The answer to that question is because new stuff comes up all the time. I'm always amazed when new leaves appear. I go through my trees (I have four) all the time and look for new information. Sometimes there is, and sometimes there isn't. The newest thing for me is that a lot more people are joining the site so there are more trees to compare mine too. That's how I found my most recent discovery and was able to trace back my paternal grandmother. It was pretty amazing actually.

One of my paternal aunts made her tree public, as did one of my paternal cousins. This is what lead to my history lesson that lead me back to 1419 in France. How cool is that? Anyway, I was able to figure out who was who on her public tree. Anyone that's still alive is marked private (but you can tell their gender), but it wasn't too hard to figure it out due to my first father's family situation (which is different compared to the cookie cutter family picture we imagine when we tend to think of "family"). Anyway, I wasn't listed. My aunt doesn't know I exist, so it was a natural thing. Yet, it still shook me. I'm not sure why it did. But there it was. Proof that they don't know about me and don't acknowledge the girl they don't know about. It was an inaccuracy they won't know about for a while longer. And it was on paper. I guess before, it was all theoretical. This time, I have proof. Hmm.

I'm the missing branch on their family tree. This naturally got me to thinking more about it. I did trace things pretty far back. The further back I went, the more chance that something wasn't quite right with the dates or the names. Names slowly changed over time. Letters were dropped and added. First names were changed to make them less ethnic. It's not a new practice, but interesting to see in action. I wondered how many missing branches there could be. How many adoptees in the family could be floating around out there?

I couldn't help but think that maybe someday, I'll turn into a full blown branch of the family tree. I could go on to have children and they will have an accurate tree. That's one of my major reasons for doing all of this. I want my children to have what I never did. I plan on having a family tree in any future children's baby books. Rudy has one in his, and I want that for any future children I may have. In theory, I would have children who would go on to have children, who would have children etc. That's just how life continues on. And should my branch continue to grow, I have to fight to make sure that the information stays accurate. Public records will show be as the daughter of my mom and the Grinch, not SinginInTheRain and NeverTooLate.

My aunt's didn't contain me. It really has me thinking a lot about missing branches. I think about all my fellow adoptees who do not yet have their answers. I've been very lucky to learn my truth, and my family will know that truth eventually. Right now I'm waiting for my sisters to grow up a bit, but my tree will go public eventually. And perhaps my aunt or my cousin will start asking questions when they realize that there's another tree out there, only that one has three girls listed as children of their youngest brother/uncle and sister-in-law. I have a feeling that's how I will probably come out in my family. It's my way of not breaking the promise I foolishly made not to contact anyone else in my family. I wouldn't be contacting them, just leaving myself open to be found. My sister turns 18 next month... Who knows?

Good News!

2012-02-21T08:17:00.000-05:00

It's taken me a while to write this post because I've sort of been waiting for the dust to settle. I'm realizing that's going to take some more time but I really wanted to update my readers who have been so supportive. Last Friday morning I worked up the courage to send my email to my first mother asking her to meet me. I figured I'd have to wait the weekend to hear back, but to my shock, she answered me by Friday afternoon.

My first mother has agreed to meet me. Not only that, but she sounded excited at the idea! We're still working out details. She wants to bring my first father with her which I understand completely. I however do not want to be "outnumbered" so I've asked Rudy to come with me. His work schedule is a little crazy right now but should ease up at the end of next month. I didn't think she'd respond back so soon so I didn't think that would be an issue!

I'm thrilled, nervous, excited, scared, you name it, I feel it. I've waited my entire life for this. I've wanted to meet her since I was three years old and we adopted my little sister. That's when it finally became real to me that I had another mother out there somewhere. I loved my mommy with everything I had, and I still do, but I wanted to meet this woman who gave birth to me. She was my mother too.

My first mother never saw me at the hospital. This is the first time we'll be "face-to-face" ever. I'm on cloud nine and I can't wait until we hammer out the details! I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say on the subject as time move forward and we figure more stuff out!

Thanks for reading and for being so supportive!

I Love Technology

2012-02-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

A Picture of my Stylus
Drawn with my Stylus!

I've been having some fun with technology lately. Seriously. I'm a technology girl and I always have been. I used to think it was sort of weird because I had no clue where it came from, but now I know that it's a family trait. I have some great products that I have fun playing with. I recently got a stylus for my tablet. I didn't have one before because I didn't think I needed one. But I'm having a tough time with the on-screen keyboard because I'm a "touch typist" so I don't look down when I type, I just feel for the keys. You can't do that on an on-screen keyboard so I'm having a rough time with it. Because keyboards are so expensive, I figured that maybe it would be nice to get a stylus and write instead of typing. It was worth a shot.

I found a stylus online for less than $10 with shipping and ordered it. Writing is great, but I'm a perfectionist so it takes me longer to write than type on that keyboard because I'm always going back and rewriting so it will look neater. Whoops! It was worth a shot. I did however realize that the stylus makes it a lot easier for me to draw on my tablet and phone. Which is how I used to draw my pictures for the blog. So in case you haven't noticed, I'm back to drawing the pictures on my blog and I've come up with some new art. I'm always going to try new things for the illustrations. That's just how I am. But I'm pretty excited about having a new way of drawing.

I used to draw a lot. I took art classes for a long time, even one in college. It was a big hobby of mine. At one point I thought about art school. Then I gave up on that to pursue other things. It happens. I haven't had a pencil in my hand and a sketch book for a long time. The stuff that I had been posting on here were drawn using my finger or the mouse. Recently, I've had a stylus to help so it's a lot more like the drawing that I used to do. It's going to take me a while to get used to the feel and the new pressure and such, but I'm having fun.

Technology is so cool like that. There's always something new to explore or some new way to apply old tricks. I never thought that I'd be illustrating blog posts on a tablet. And I can't believe it didn't dawn on me earlier that it's a great way to express myself in a way that I feel more comfortable. Go figure.

Another great thing about technology is that it's black and white. A computer can do certain things, and it can't do other things. You write a program and if it's written well, it works or it doesn't. Any flaws come from the people who wrote it. You punch into a calculator 2 + 2 and you'll always get 4. If you get a different answer, go back and you'll find that you typed in the wrong thing, like maybe 2+1 to get a different answer. It's the human that's flawed, not the calculator. Computers are binary. It's either true or false, 1 or 0. There is no analog signal. I tend to trust technology more than people. Technology doesn't lie. People do.

I'm going to have some fun drawing on my phone and tablet. I'm having fun with the bright colors and the new graphics!

Working For A Living

2012-02-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty excited today. I've been working really hard to pay off my school loans which were pretty high coming out of school. Going to a private university really kicked my butt. My high school was all about the college thing. It was all about getting into a good school and moving on in education. As I mentioned yesterday, we were told as eighth graders that if we weren't planning on college, we should find another high school. Yes, this is a public school system. They just wanted to be the best public school system. They are one of the top 200 high schools in the country so something's working, but still. It was a bit much.

Anyway, I went to college because that's what was expected of me. My parents hadn't gone and had no idea how things should go down, but they knew I was smart and pushed me to take advantage of it. They wanted me to go further in life (in terms of careers) than they did. They didn't want me to work from pay check to pay check like they had done for a long time. They let me pick any school I wanted, which was a nice private school that I was steered to by my high school. Nobody tells you that tuition goes up but the scholarships don't. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I went to the college I did. I met Rudy there. I made some fantastic friends. I have memories that I'll have forever of my fun days on [Insert College Here]'s campus. But I'm in a deep hole of debt that I have to climb out of. Joy. I probably should have thought that one through, especially when I got an amazing scholarship to the University of Massachusetts. I could have gone tuition free. I turned that down for this crazy debt. Oh well, can't change it now!

I'm living at home with my parents in part to help take care of my mom, and in part to put the money I would be spending on rent towards my loans. It's not a great situation, but I'm finding a way to make it work (running helps - a lot). I've been putting a lot away towards my loans. Initially I figured that I could live like a pauper for two years and come out debt free. Literally, I'd never eat or I'd bum food off my parents to make this one work. I realized pretty quickly that wasn't a good way to live. So then I decided that maybe I'd do it in three years and include a food budget. But then I realized I'd be living a shell of a life. So now I'm living my life as I see fit (and taking vacations when I want them) and paying off the loans as I can. Because I don't have a lot of expenses, I'm able to put a lot of my paycheck towards my loans without feeling the belt tightening. It's nice. Thank goodness some good comes out of living at home!

My goal is to pay half my loans off by the end of the year. At the end of the year, I'll be moving out and will no longer have all that extra income to go towards loans rather than rent. I figure half is a good number. The reason I'm really excited? I hit the half way point to that goal this week. I've been putting money towards some of my loans every two weeks when I get my paycheck and it seems like it's finally paid off. Slow and steady wins the race. And tax refunds. Those help too.

I'm a quarter of the way there with my school loans. While it doesn't seem like a lot, it's a pretty significant amount of money so I'm celebrating. I'm going to treat myself to some candy today to celebrate. I deserve it :-) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups anyone?

Email Sent...

2012-02-17T09:00:00.001-05:00

This time I hit the right button

I did it. I sent the email to my first mother. I asked her to meet with me within the next year. I put myself out there. And you know what? I feel good about it! I realized (with the help of some amazing people) that it was something that I should do for myself. So that I'll stop wondering if I didn't do everything I could. I gave it one more go. I gave it one last effort. One final chance. It was more about me than her. I want to meet her. And I will. If I need to show up eventually, then I will. I'm not saying that's going to happen tomorrow. It may never happen. But it's an option and I have it in my back pocket for when I'm ready.

My first parents have made it very clear to me that when it comes to our relationship(s), it's about them. It's about their other daughters. It's about their family unit. I can have scraps when they are willing to give them to me. I can hear stories about my sisters and my other relatives. They'll answer the questions they feel like and ignore the other ones. They'll email when they feel like it. And they will do what they think is best for them. I guess I can't really blame them. They bought into the adoption myth that once they signed the paperwork I would go away forever, never to been seen or heard from again. They bought into the myth that they would be able to move on with their lives as if I never happened, as if I don't exist. But you see, that's the problem with the myth. I was born. I do exist. And as a person, I'm not willing to lay down and play the good adoptee. I have feelings and wants and needs as well, and as an adult, I have a say in how I conduct my life. Which includes my biological family. Not just my first parents, but the rest of them as well.

For a long time, I played their games. I played by their rules. I did what they expected of me. I was the good adoptee. I emailed when I should have. I answered their questions about my life. I let my first father get to know me as a daughter. He's seen me. He knows that I share similar quirks with my sisters. He knows that I look like my first mother. That we share mannerisms. And he's even seen my hometown (if I could go back, I'd probably rethink that one). I gave myself freely in this who experience because that's just the kind of person that I am. I thought that eventually things would change. Eventually things would turn around. Eventually. I'm tired of waiting for eventually. So I'm going to push a little and see what happens.

If my first mother won't meet me, the world won't end. I won't lose anything. She doesn't email me anymore anyway. She has almost no contact. And my first father... well that relationship is reduced to a short email every other week. When he feels like it. That's it. I used to love him. He was a second dad to me. He didn't raise me, but he was giving what felt like a great effort to get to know me. I thought he cared about me. Maybe he does. He just cares about his life right now more. So I have nothing to lose. I'm moving on. I'm healing. And I'd rather get this over with. So my email is sent. Now I just have to wait and see what happens.

My Take on the Top Five Regrets

2012-02-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

Looking At Life

There's a fantastic article floating around on the web about the top five regrets of the dying. I've read it a few times, and I've seen it posted on Facebook a few times. It was featured on Lifehacker (my favorite blog for everyday random stuff). I've been thinking a lot about these top five regrets. I figured I'd tackle them one by one.

I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Sometimes when things like this come around, its helpful to use them as a mirror to life as its currently being lived. I look at my life through this lens and try to see how I'm holding up verses the life that I want to be living. I don't think that anyone wants to have these regrets at the end of their lives. How am I doing with all of this? I'm only twenty-four years old, but as I've learned the past year, we aren't guaranteed any time here. I'm learning to live in the moment and not take life for granted.

I certainly have a ways to go with the first one. I'm learning slowly how to live my authentic life, the life that I want to lead. My town has a certain reputation and there was a lot of pressure on me to succeed in that environment. I'll never forget that in eighth grade the guidance councilors from the public high school came to talk to us. We were told that if we weren't planning on going to college then we should find another high school to go to. I do think that college was the best choice for me, but I didn't really make that choice for myself. I was told what to do and I did it. My current job was the next step. I like it, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't have been better doing something else.

I'm a hard worker. I go at things 110%. There is no middle ground for me. Right now it's not interfering with living my life. I don't have a lot of commitments so my job doesn't get in the way. I'm sure that's going to change in the future and I'll have to adjust.

The first step for number three is blogging here. I'm learning to express what I feel and put complicated ideas into words. I'm learning how to see things for how they really are and how to be accepting of that. I can't change the past or undo my adoption or what happened with my first parents. What I can do is learn to forgive them and heal from the most recent fresh batch of wounds. I'll always have scars, but a scar is still a lot better than an open festering wound.

Number four is a huge problem for me. My friends are all over. I have friends in other continents and other states. It's challenging to keep in tough with everybody and it's something that I struggle with. It sounds awful but thank goodness for Facebook. I'd be even more out of touch without it.

I'm trying so hard to let myself be a happy person. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to that. It's funny because you'd think that I'd want to be happy. And I do, don't get me wrong. Somehow though I can't help but feel like I get in my own way. I'm working on it and lately I seem to be doing a little better with everything.

Ancestry.com Continues to Blow My Mind

2012-02-15T09:00:00.001-05:00

My Family Tree!

I started a private family tree on Ancestry.com a while back. My paternal grandfather was listed on a detailed public family tree. Because he died a few years back, his information is available to anyone. I was able to trace him back pretty far, but could not find anything on my grandmother because she's still living and never married my paternal grandfather. My other grandparents are dead ends as well because they are too young to be listed on census data (so far) and I don't have a lot of information about them.

I could ask about them, but I'm not sure what sort of answers I'd get and if they'd be accurate or not. In the past, I haven't been given the full story and my first parents have been a bit evasive. They give me the general idea, but never the full story. It could be because they don't know it, or maybe it's because they don't know that I want all the juicy details like names, but either way, I'm not willing to risk ticking them off by asking too many nit-picky questions right now.

A few weeks ago I started to seriously track down my paternal grandmother and kept hitting brick walls. I had a last name in theory from my first mother but couldn't find anything. I asked for help and a few people gave it an honest go but nobody was able to make any headway. So I walked away for a bit. After a friend mentioned the site last week, I logged back on for the heck of it the other day. And I had a little green leaf on one of my sisters. That shouldn't happen because my sister is still very much alive and under the age of 18 so not on many public documents. Weird. Because I'm me, I followed the leaf to another public profile. It would seem that one of my aunts decided to make her profile public. My sisters are private, but because I used their names in mine, it still matched to the tree. Naturally, I'm not on it. But guess who is? They may all be marked as "Private" but it was pretty easy to figure out who my grandmother was (the only person connected to two men and having children with both of them). I've done enough research to know that the tree matched up perfectly with my own. I even found a few photos!

For the first time, I have information on my paternal grandmother. She's always been the biggest mystery. My other grandparents are all Portuguese (in theory). However, I was told my maternal grandmother was Portuguese, French, and English. I thought, cool. Growing up in an Irish family, it was sort of cool to hear that I was "English". I quote that because if I'm English, it's not really though her. My maternal grandmother was French, but by way of Canada. I've traced my linage back to France. Did I mention the year was 1469? I haven't found the English line yet, but there's a lot of people to go through and I do have one other great-grandmother that's "Portuguese" I suspect may be English on my maternal side. Oh, and did I mention that some my ancestors were in Massachusetts pre-Revolutionary War? And then they moved to Canada. And somehow I ended up in Massachusetts. This is mind blowing for the girl who used to listen to classmates tell stories about how their ancestors were on the Mayflower. While this isn't quite the same thing, I remember thinking "How cool would it be to trace my ancestors back that far? Oh well, I guess it's just not meant to be..." I now know further back in my first family tree than my adoptive parents know of their trees. Wow. For once I have more information that they do... Who would have thunk it?

You'd think I'd feel connected to these people, but I don't. Not yet anyway. It's so new to me, that I'm connected to these people with names and in some cases, faces. They were here. They lived. They survived. And I come from them. And what's interesting to me is that they were dead before I came along. They never would have known about me anyway even if I hadn't been adopted. I'm working on feeling connected to them. It's going to take me a while. I need to let it all sink in. I'm just glad that I'm learning more and more about my truth and my history every day, with or without my first father's help. I'm so excited that if I have children, they'll have this information too. And honestly? If I had grown up with my first parents, I probably wouldn't have known this either. Because I doubt my first father knows his family history the way that I do now. I doubt he's traced it back to France or Pre-US Massachusetts. Another reason why I love technology...

My mind = blown. Thanks Ancestry.com!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2012-02-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

I hope you all have a very special day!

I used to hate Valentine's Day. You know, back when I was single. I think that feeling has never fully left me. I used to hate the Red and Pink colors. My favorite color is blue, and I always hated that girls were supposed to like pink. Now, I've grown to love pink. I can pull off wearing darker shades of pink so I have more and more pink these days. I also hated the color red. My college had red and white for school colors so I learned to love me some red. It's another color that looks good on me, so I'm learning to like it a lot more. I still can't stand those two colors together. I'm weird like that.

I'm spending time with Rudy today so I'm pretty pumped. We've never spent a Valentine's Day apart. We've had some interesting ones (like the one a few years ago that I spent in the hospital) but we've always been together. I didn't think that was going to happen this year so I was really excited when Rudy found a way to work it out so we could see each other and actually spend some time together. I can't wait!

If you're single, enjoy the day. It can be hard, but I always saw Valentine's Day as a day to celebrate all the love in your life, not just romantic love. I used to be such a huge optimist... Hehe! If you're with someone, then I hope you get to spend the day with your special someone or at least get to communicate in some way. Enjoy!

Looking in the Mirror

2012-02-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

The Mirror

I've been trying to pamper myself lately. I don't always take the time to stop and think about how far I've come. When I look in the mirror I tend to see the faults and flaws, and not the positives. The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror and I actually stopped. I realized that I'm too hard on myself sometimes. It's funny, but I see myself in a completely different light than I used to.

When I used to look in the mirror, I'd only see question marks. I didn't know where my skin tone came from or where my curly hair came from. I had no clue who else had the same brown eyes. I couldn't see the history that was written on my own face. It was frustrating to have my lack of knowledge of where I came from thrown in my face. Every. Single. Day. And when I was so frustrated, I'd nitpick. My nose is too big. My skin likes to throw temper tantrums a lot (especially right before something where lots of pictures are going to be taken). My hair and I have a love/hate relationship. My face has a funny shape. My teeth are OK thanks to braces, but they could be whiter.

I didn't see those things in the mirror the other day. My skin is clearing up from it's most recent tantrum and is looking good again. My hair was having a good day and was cooperating. My teeth are looking a lot whiter thanks to some great new whitening toothpaste. And I know that my facial structure comes from my first father and my first mother. I've always loved my eyes, but now there's another reason why I love them. When I met my first father, the first thing I noticed was that he has the exact same eyes as me. It's like looking in the mirror. What an odd feeling. Now when I look in the mirror I see that history there. I see my heritage and my biological family reflected in my face. I know this is a huge reason why I want to meet my first mother, so that I can see for myself our similarities. Pictures just don't cut it.

I've been trying to be better to myself these past few weeks. When I was looking in the mirror, I realized that I'm a lot more put together than I used to be just a few months ago. I'm exercising. My anxiety levels are a lot lower. I'm more relaxed because I'm getting out my pent up energy. I need to work on the sleep thing, but I'm getting there. I've been a friendly person to be around and I'm more likely to smile on my own rather than forcing it. I'm eating right. I'm putting on (good) weight. Meals are no longer an epic battle. How exhausting that was... I'm doing things that I enjoy and spending more time with my extended family. I have my hard days for sure and I'll always have my hard days. But I'm managing a lot better.

It really is true. I got some great advice about being happy. "Fake it 'til you make it". I never thought it would work. But I tried. I made myself smile more. I faked a good mood even when I really didn't feel like it. I forced positive energy into my life when I wanted to lie down and give up. And suddenly, I seem to find myself happier without really trying. The changes I've been making in my life recently are starting to pay off. I'm trimming out the negativity and added in things that are good for me in their place. It's working so far, and I hope to keep it up.

I like the girl in the mirror these days. I want to keep liking her...

Patience

2012-02-11T09:00:00.000-05:00

I just need to hit Send

I'm not the world's most patient person. It's something that I have to work on in myself. When I set a goal, I want to complete it yesterday. I love the thrill of tackling something and getting it done. But I can be a little bit lazy and not want to put in the work, or the time. I like it when people get right back to me. That's probably why I have a hard time waiting around for responses from people. Like I said, I need to work on that.

I've been pretty proud of myself. I set a goal to run a 5K in the spring. Now, I still have a long way to go. I started a 10 week training program which is going to take me longer than ten weeks. However, I'm now done with Week 3 and I'm doing pretty well with the whole thing. I'll admit to feeling like I was never going to make it this far. I'm determined to finish this program out, even if it's a week longer right now because I couldn't handle the jump this week. But I just need to keep reminding myself that this is about me and nobody else. If I need to slow it down a bit, it's only going to affect me. Running nearly a mile (not counting walking breaks) is pretty amazing. I'll get there eventually. And I'm sticking with it. I'm learning to be patient. You see, I want to run a 5K tomorrow. I want to be in shape, yesterday. I want to be able to throw on a pair of running shoes and get out there on the road and not feel like my lungs are going to burst. Because I'm pretty sure that's what it would feel like if I did that today. So I have to keep reminding myself that I need to get my lungs into shape and pump up my legs a bit before I can just go for a run without so much structure. I'll get there. I'm making huge strides. My dance teacher noticed this week and commented about how I was a lot stronger than even last week. I have more energy and I overall feel better. I feel so much better on days when I run. But I tend to forget that at times because it doesn't always feel like I'm progressing when I struggle to run for more than two minutes at a time.

I'm similarly impatient with myself lately. I wrote that email to my first mother. And then I hit "Save" rather than "Send". It's been sitting in my draft folder for a while now. I've even gone back to rewrite a few bits and pieces of it. I want to have the courage to send it now and get it over with. I'm not an indecisive person. However, with this, I just can't seem to hit the send button and it has be wondering. Maybe it's that I know I'll be waiting around to hear from her. I know that it's silly, but sometimes I have to wait a week and other times a month before she gets back to me. And that really can test my patience. I also don't know how the whole thing is going to work with my first father. He's been a bit MIA lately, but I don't know if he'll be even more MIA if I upset my first mother, which this email has the potential to do. He's made it very clear to me that when it comes down to picking sides, he'll pick her's every time. That's hard to hear, but completely true and understandable. I haven't asked him to pick sides yet. I've pushed at times for sure, but I've always backed down. I don't think there's ever been a real situation where he's had to figure out how to deal with my first mother and I on a serious level, like me asking her to meet would do. I don't want him involved at all, but I know that he's going to be.

I need to figure out if I want to send that email. I can't have it chilling in my drafts folder, glaring at me every time I check my email. I need to work on my patience, but I don't want to push it too much. OK, I'm going to stop rambling right now and go stretch out for a bit. If I can't make progress on one part of my life, at least I have other goals and things to work towards!

My Heritage On Paper

2012-02-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

Rudy and I were driving around the other day when an interesting topic came up. We drove through this town and Rudy commented that three out of five people in the town were of Irish decent according to census data. We laughed over what St. Patrick's Day must look like in the town. And then I started to think. Both of my adoptive parents are of Irish decent. And legally, I'm their daughter. And legally, there's no public record of me being anyone else's daughter. So legally, I suppose I'm of Irish decent.

Only I'm not. I'm of English decent. And French decent. And mostly Portuguese decent. It took me a long time to figure out what my ancestry was. I waited over 22 years to have my answers. So I guess it was just a bit of a blow when I realized sitting in the car there with Rudy that just because I know my truth doesn't mean that everyone else does, legally that is.

Some of my ancestors did come from an island, just not the same island my parents. My ancestors came from the Azores. Yet nowhere in any census would you see me reported as Portuguese until I start filling out my own data. How odd. I mean, thinking about it, there is no connection anywhere to me belong to that ethnicity. I don't know this for sure because my state won't let me see my OBC, but I'm pretty sure that I'm listed as Baby [Insert Letter Here] on my original birth certificate. I don't think that my first father is listed, but I could be wrong about that. So even if I did get my OBC, I don't know what information is on there or how accurate it is. Then there's the fact that I'd have to get it unsealed and even then it's not official. My adoption null and voided my OBC. My new one has my adoptive name on it and my adoptive parents listed as my natural parents. As in sharing DNA, which I don't. There's not a single legal document out there that could stand in a court of law that ties me to my original ancestry. I'm guessing the only thing I could do to prove where I come from is to get a DNA test.

I've been thinking about it for a while. I still have a lot of loans to pay off. It's a pain. But I'm doing pretty well with them so far and I might try to pick up some side work soon. So maybe that's something that I need to start saving for. I think I can have the money set aside by Spring and I could take one of those tests that traces back my maternal line and links me to whatever ancestry I really am. I may need to keep my eyes open for a special.

I'm not Irish and I have no problem stating that. I may have an Irish last name, but that's not who I am. That history belongs to my parents, and my parents alone. I'm proud of my own heritage and I'm sticking to it. I respect and value my parents' heritage, don't get me wrong. I love Irish music, will probably hang an Irish blessing in my future home, and I have Irish jewelry up the wazoo. Just like I will eventually learn how to make the family Italian sauce (or "gravy") and can bake some mean Italian pastries. Lucky for me, Rudy's heritage happens to be the same as my adoptive family's heritage. Funny how that all worked out. As I said, I respect it and it played a big part of my childhood, but it's not who I am and I'm OK with that. I'm just glad that now I know my own heritage and I can be thankful for that. Even if the government has no way of knowing...

Emails Come and Go

2012-02-09T09:00:00.001-05:00

I've started to notice a pattern in my "weekly" emails. Sometimes they come, and sometimes they don't. I'm sort of over it at this point. I mean, I can send mine, but I can't make him write back. And I have to keep reminding myself that it's not me. I forget sometimes that I'm used to sending emails. I type faster than I hand write things out. It's what I do all day long. The faster I can type, the faster I can get my work done and get home. So for me, typing quickly is second nature. My first father writes his emails to me on his cell phone most of the time. That's even harder to type on. And he's not the same as me, growing up typing school reports and playing computer games.

I guess I just thought that after we stopped our weekly phone calls that we'd at least keep up with the weekly emails. So it's hard when the week comes and goes and I don't get my email. And I wonder if I should send my weekly email. I'm starting to think that I'm going to stop emailing without fail each week. It hasn't mattered in the past if he's responded, but maybe now I need to. I'll admit that there's a part of me that wants him to see how it feels to not here from me for over a week and to wonder what's going on. And I'm trying so hard not to let it get to me.

It may not seem like it, but I am making progress. For starters, I used to obsess over the email thing all week. I'd think about it every day and wonder. Now, I only wonder the day that I normally get my email and the day I normally send him a response. And I don't expect it other days either. I can usually put it out of my head. It's such a weird situation.

I want to be able to move on from this. I'm doing a lot better than I used to. And I really do feel like I'm healing. I just wish I was completely healed at this point. In my head I know that's not something that's going to happen overnight. I need to give myself more time. This is a person that I had close contact with for over a year. It's the first biological family member I've ever met and who ever acted like they actually cared. For all I know, him signing his name with "Love" might be the only thing that I ever really get from any of my biological family members.

Deep breath. Positive thinking. I'm not a fan of going through this every week. I don't like feeling like I'm not good enough to email back once a week. It's not a matter of him not knowing what to say. I ask questions every week and give him something to write about. And he does have a whole week to figure it out.

It's this time of year. I contacted my first mother February 1st two years ago. And I met my first father in the beginning of March last year. I guess I've just been thinking about that a lot lately. I should be getting an email today. I didn't get one last week. I didn't send my normal email this week. I am proud of myself in some small way for not sending my email. I was really tempted but I didn't. We'll see what happens.

Love this Video - "Beautiful"

2012-02-08T18:00:00.000-05:00

This comes from the new show SM.ASH, which I will not be watching. But I will be keeping my eyes out on YouTube because I think that a lot of good music will come out of this show... Like this song:

Family Stuff

2012-02-08T09:00:00.000-05:00

I've been doing a lot of family stuff lately. My cousins have been busy with sports and I've been in the stands cheering them on. It's been a lot of fun and I've been taking lots of pictures. That's why I haven't been doing Picture Sundays because I've been busy taking photos of my cousins. I hope to get going with my other photography soon. I'm a huge fan of outdoor photography and there hasn't been a lot to photograph lately outside. There are no flowers, no pretty trees, and even no snow. Just blah. Hopefully spring will get here soon!

I was really lucky and got to hang out with one of my uncles this past weekend. I haven't seen him as much lately so it was a lot of fun to watch Saturday Night Live with him and play with his dog. We had some good laughs and caught up. My uncle was there for me as a kid a lot and stepped up to teach me about sports when I showed an interest.

I also got to spend some time with Rudy's family this weekend too, which is always a lot of fun. It's so cool to see another family's dynamic and to sort of find a way to fit in. His family is awesome and it's great that I got to hang out with them for a bit. It's very interesting for several reasons.

For starters, I'm not like the people in my adoptive family. Sure, we have a few similarities. But because I'm supposed to be "one of them", the differences are glaring. Out of the twenty-three cousins on one side, I think three of us have dark hair. And the other two are very young and weren't around when I was growing up. I have a different skill set, and I act differently than my adoptive family. My adoptive family is amazing and I wish I could be more like them at times. It's taken a lot for me to realize that it's OK to be different. Now I'm slowly learning how to embrace the differences and to love myself for my uniqueness in my family. I'm not the only unique one and I'm learning to love it.

Now, when it comes to Rudy's family, I'm not expected to be like them. I'm not "one of them" in the sense that I am supposed to fit in immediately into the family. They get that I'm different, that I have another set of genes, that I'm not supposed to act as if "born to" them. Instead, they expect me to be different, to act differently, and to think differently. There's no pressure. I like them a lot, they like me, and we get along really well. I don't have to "fit in" and when I do, it's even better. We share a lot of laughs and good times. And at the end of the day, I usually leave smiling (except when my team blows a big game, but we're not going to go there, and that has nothing to do with Rudy's family).

It's interesting to see how that all comes into play. Rudy's family is a lot like my adoptive family in certain ways and its been fantastic for me to be around that without any added pressure. It makes for a nice visit when we manage to make it up to see them.

I'm "That" Adoptee - The "Hairdresser" Conversation

2012-02-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

My Attempt at a Hairdresser Picture

Once you've been around adoption blog land for a bit, or you participate in adoption forums, or you have any conversations with anyone about adoption, you usually hear a pretty similar story. It comes from all over. Sometimes it comes from a person without a major adoption connection. Other times it comes from an adoptive parent or a first parent. It's what I like to call the "hairdresser" conversation. You know, the one where the other person says "Well my hairdresser's cousin's friend adopted a little girl and she's happy as can be! There's nothing wrong with adoption; you must have just had a bad experience." Yes, people actually say things like that to adoptees. Because one adoptee is happy, then that means that adoption is always a good thing and all adoptees should feel that way. Or that the ones who aren't happy just came from bad situations.

But the thing is, not all adoptees like to talk about that painful part of their lives. I don't. I don't like to bring it up around my adoptive family if I can help it. I have several reasons. For starters, members of my adoptive family with the exception of my sister and I are biologically related to each other. They know what it's like to be raised by people who they look like, act like, and share history through blood. My mother's heritage is their heritage too. Same with my dad's side. They know they look like Aunt Jane on this side or that their nose comes from Uncle Fred. To them, that's what family is. I may not look like them, but I was raised that way. So to them, they know how I was raised and what kind of family I have because it's their family too. But they don't get that huge difference between us. They don't get that I'm not Irish and Italian. They don't get how I felt excluded when they'd talk about how they all look the same or laugh the same (they all have the exact same laugh). I'm so happy they don't feel that way. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, let alone people I love. So they can be supportive (and they are so supportive), but they are never going to understand. They don't get what I went through growing up in that family. And the biggest part is that I don't want to hurt them. I don't want them to think that they aren't good enough for me. I don't want them to think that they did anything wrong because they haven't. They didn't pick this for me either (as in my extended adoptive family) but they have done everything they could to welcome me as if "born to". They have loved me from the beginning and been there for me. They are a great family, and they're my family. But I have another family too, and I wanted to find out about them. I don't want my family to have to deal with the issues and pain that I do have from this whole situation. So I don't bring it up.

If you were to ask a family member of mine, chances are they would tell you that I'm happy with being adopted. I have a large family and not everyone knows that I've searched and found. So there are relatives of mine that would say that I never felt inclined to search. They'd be wrong. They could say the same about my adoptive sister, but they might be wrong again there too. My parent's friends don't all know. My parents did not broadcast it, and really, my search and reunion doesn't come up very often with them. So if one of them told their hairdresser about me, they'd say something like "Oh, my friends adopted a little girl and she's very happy to be adopted. She's never searched and she's an engineer now and doing very well!" Sigh. They don't know my inner brain, and they don't know what's going on in my personal life. And that's OK. But I'd be upset if I found out that I was being used in a conversation like that and completely misrepresented.

There are adoptees out there who are happy about their adoptions. I've met a few. And I firmly believe that it's up to them to feel however they feel about it. But that being said, its not everyone. And I honestly? I'd rather those people speak for themselves in a safe environment. Being adopted is deeply personal. It's like talking about your sex life with a random person in a very public place. Most people don't do it. They talk about stuff like that with people who they are very close with and in a private place. And then there are those who blog about it. I blog publicly but I keep things private as much as I can.

So yes, the girl who blogs about her issues and challenges and pain publicly is the same adoptee that these hairdressers are probably talking about. You never know someone's story until you talk to that person.

How Blogging Fits Into My Life

2012-02-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

Blogging isn't something for the weak of heart. I'm not talking about people who blog privately for their family and friends. It's a fantastic way to keep people updated, but it's not quite the same thing as blogging publicly when your readers probably don't know you in real life. It's not something that you can take on without being willing to put yourself out there. I have strangers reading about some of the most personal things about me. And they have the all powerful choice of commenting. And they can say whatever they want about my very personal thoughts. I've been very lucky that my readers have been kind to me in the comments thus far. But that doesn't mean it will always be that way...

I've had a few discussions lately about blogging and how it fits into my life. For me, this is a blog about my life as an adopted person. The adopted part is what I write about most frequently, but that doesn't mean that I never blog about other things in my life. Or the people in it. That being said, I do my best to keep things private as much as I can. I'm somewhat anonymous here and I don't use real names. Yes, I use nicknames but unless you know me in real life, you'd have no way of knowing who those people are. It's just a lot easier to write "Rudy" than "my boyfriend" (and so on and so forth).

As in any adoption blog, I'm going to blog about my family. My adoption is surrounded by family. One family gave me away and another family took me in (in one manner of speaking). So that means that my first parents are going to be a frequent topic, you know, because they are the ones who put me up for adoption. Just like my adoptive parents are going to be frequent topics of discussion, you know, being the ones who took me in and all. As for the rest of my family, yes, they are going to come up. They play a part in my adoption story. My sister is the one who gave me the information I needed to complete my search. My aunts have been super supportive when I've needed to talk about my adoption issues. My first uncle and I share a profession (how random is that?), which is probably going to come up. Otherwise, what would I write about?

I'm not just about adoption. I have other things going on with my life. I have a boyfriend. I have friends. I have a job. All of these things may or may not come up in my blog. I'm human. I'm a person. I have a life. That's the thing about adoption. It's always there. It's always present. And adoptees have to live with that each and every single day.

Rudy knows that I blog here. He picked his own nickname. He sometimes reads here. I have two friends that I gave this blog address too. One from my hometown (the only one from my hometown with the URL other than me) and one from college. That's it. Three people from my "real" life. I haven't passed out the URL because I don't like the idea of writing thinking that my entire family is reading over my shoulder. I don't think I could be as personal. It's too intense for me to think about that. And honestly? I don't think I could handle having such intense conversations about adoption with my adoptive family (or my first family for that matter). They don't know how painful my adoption has been for me, and it would hurt them to find out. So I keep my happy adoptee face on when I'm around them, and write about my pain here.

I've been debating going private lately. I'm still debating, but I'm airing on the side of keeping this public after I read something on Facebook last week about not letting one person ruin your day if there are almost 7 billion other people out there. I just don't want to deal with drama. I'll probably keep it public. We'll see.

Thanks for reading,

I've Got a Great Person In My Corner

2012-02-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

Rudy and I have been pretty lucky lately. We're figuring out how to make things work better in our relationship. We're learning how to work around his busy schedule and my busy schedule and make time for each other. We're learning how to keep the spark alive over 170 miles. We're going to have some bumps in the road. We've already gotten over a few major hurdles. But overall, we're doing really well.

I'm noticing a trend. It seems like when things are good, everything is good. When things are bad, everything is bad. When Rudy and I were trying to figure things out before and it wasn't going well, that's when I started to have some major problems with my reunion. And my mom wasn't doing so great. Now that things are better between me and Rudy, my reunion seems to have leveled out a bit and my mom's doing better. You would think that one would be connected to another, but that's not really the case.

I have no control over my mother's health issues, nor what happened in my reunion. I did not have control over the fact that my first father made the choices that he did based on his other daughter picking up his cell phone and looking at a text message. Those things happened to me, not because of me. Me and Rudy on the other hand... that I have some sort of control over. Not that I have complete control because it's another person that I'm dealing with. But I can control how I react and how I respond to things. And maybe there was a little bit of "my life sucks" that was coming into play back then. And I'm sure it will come up again. But you know what? We're going to weather that storm too.

I'm really lucky to have a guy in my life who is willing to wait out the storm. He's willing to listen to me talk about my reunion, even though he doesn't get it. He's never met SinginInTheRain, so I'm sure that's hard for him. I wanted them to meet, but when I was going to ask my first father, he sort of "dumped" me. So much for that idea...

I've got my fingers crossed that we have some smooth sailing up ahead. I know there are a few clouds on the horizon, but I'll deal with it when I get there. And I know I've got some great people behind me, supporting me, to make the best of it.

Being in "Adoption Shape"

2012-02-03T09:00:00.000-05:00

I'm getting there

Every day, I take another step forward. Some days, it feels like I'm getting nowhere. I feel sometimes like I'm stuck on the treadmill, running but getting nowhere. It can be a frustrating feeling at times, to wonder what the point is. I go for a run on the treadmill and I am tired. I'm hot because it's next to the boiler. I'm sore because I'm still getting into shape. Not in pain, but still a bit sore. And everything feels the same when I go on with my life, I'm just a more tired version.

But. There is a major but here. I did accomplish something. A lot actually. For starters, I'm working towards a goal. I'm trying to stick with it. I'm trying to finish something. And every time I get on that treadmill, I'm getting a little closer to my goal. Yes, I'm sore and tired. But that's a good thing. Because it means that I'm making progress. I might be running in place, but I'm still running. I'm a little stronger every day. I go just a bit further, run just a bit longer, and improve just a little bit. I just need to keep at it. Maybe one day there will come a day when I don't hurt as much, or I don't get as tired as quickly. That would be fantastic. But I need to put in the work now. I need to start somewhere. And once the weather is a bit nicer, I'll be running outside. I'll see where I'm going and will be able to look back where I've been.

This is a lot like my adoption process. I've been hurt. I've been tired. And some days I really don't want to deal with all of this. There are days when I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. My first mother hasn't agreed to meet me. My siblings don't know about me (heck, nobody knows about me in my first family). It's frustrating. But then I take a look back and see how far I've come. Every email, every book, every blog post... Those are my days on the treadmill. And each one of those things helps me get a little bit stronger. I need to put in the work now. I'll be dealing with this my whole life. This is one thing that won't go away no matter how much I ignore it. So if I do the work now, I'll be in shape for the hard things on the horizon. I'll be in better "adoption shape" for when I have children. I'll be in better "adoption shape" for when I lose my adoptive parents. I'll be in better "adoption shape" for dealing with relationships with people in general. All of these things are huge triggers that I've been warned about by some fabulous people. I can't make those things any easier. And they're going to be hard. There's not much I can do about that. But I can get into good "adoption shape". I can exercise my adopted self and hope that I'm on the right training program.

I'm very proud of me for making it this far with my exercising. And its helping me in more ways than one. Wish me continued luck!

Request to Meet

2012-02-02T09:00:00.001-05:00

It continues...

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm working on an email to my first mother asking her to meet. It's been two years (weird) as of yesterday from when I sent my first letter to her. We started emailing shortly thereafter (well, it took a month) and it lasted through the end of the summer. In all that time, I never asked her to meet.

While that may sound weird, I did ask for other things. I was taking baby steps. First, I asked her to tell my first father about me. She didn't. Next, I asked her to speak to me on the phone. She said she would, but didn't. Each time she'd apologize and I honestly think she was being sincere. She's not a bad person, just unsure of what to do next. She was afraid of how her life could change and could only focus on the bad stuff. She told me this (I add this so that people don't think that I'm trying to guess what she was thinking - this isn't a blog about my first mother's thoughts and feelings, it's about my thoughts and feelings and my perception of things). Anyway, I asked to talk on the phone and when she finally told me she couldn't do it, things ended shortly thereafter. I always assumed that we'd have to talk on the phone first before meeting. I'm realizing now that doesn't have to happen. Nothing has to happen. There are no rules. We make it up as we go along.

I never explained to my first mother why I want to meet her. I never actually went there. I was so caught up in the phone call thing and trying to move forward that I never took the time to explain to her why it was so important. Who knows what she's thinking or feeling about it, but she never heard from me why it's so important that I meet her. It might not make one bit of a difference. But maybe, just maybe it will.

I love my first mother very much. I've been hurt by her actions before, badly. I've been told things that I never wanted to be told, and I've had to face some harsh truths. Yet, I still love her. I still want to meet her. And I still dream about her. In the latest dream I met her in a coffee shop. She was with KungFuPanda and they just happened to wander into the same coffee shop as me. I don't like coffee. NeverTooLate told me she doesn't like it either. So weird.

My point being, I'm working on that email. I'm going to tell her why it's so important for me to meet her, and why it can't wait. I have to believe that if nothing else, at least I'll know that I gave it my all. I tried everything. I made every attempt, and I told her how I felt. I can't believe I never told her why it was so important before. I'm going to fix that now. It might have an impact, but I'm not going to hold my breath. It doesn't mean that I can't try thought...

Reevaluating My Goals

2012-02-01T09:00:00.000-05:00

I was proud of this picture lol

I have a thing about goals. I feel they need to be reevaluated every once and a while to keep them relevant. And to hold myself accountable... I have a problem with that. Lately I've been noticing that I have a problem with finishing things. I don't know if this has been going on for a while and I never noticed it, or if it's a new thing. But as a way to keep myself on track, I'm going to do my best to reevaluate my goals at the start of each month and possibly change them if they need tweeking. Again, I'm a work in progress.

Read at least one book a month - Read several in January
Take my cousins to the movies just because
~~Do yoga~~ Exercise at least three times a week - Tweeking this one, adding in running to my exercise routine
Comment on each blog that I follow at least once a month - May have missed a few but I stepped up my commenting
Meet my first mother
Clean out my closet, including the back shelves
Go on an amazing vacation - Booked and half planned
Learn to cook three dinner dishes really well - Chicken Parm
Learn two new skills
Post several book reviews on the blog - Found was posted this month
Relax more
Be more creative with my photography - I'm getting there
Visit a new place I've never been to
Meet new people and make new friends
Go out on the town one night I feel like staying in
Volunteer at a soup kitchen
Pay off at least half of my loans - Getting there
Get an apartment - Looking into condos
Learn the names of the people who sit around me at work
Live life to the fullest

I have twenty goals and I've managed to make progress on nine of them. I'd say that that's a pretty successful month! This next month I'm focusing on getting back into shape. I've started running (barely) but at least I have a schedule. My exercise goal is to be in 5K running shape by May. If I can do that, I'll count running as a skill. We'll see how that one goes.

My book this month is going to be an adoption related book. I want to post a review about it and update the resource page. I have a bunch of books that I ordered and got, but I got sucked into the drama of my non-reunion so I put them away for now. I think it's time to break them back out and hit the pavement again. I don't want to take a break from this stuff because it's helping. And it's a long term thing that I need to work on. I have to put the work in now with this adoption crap so I'll do better tomorrow. That's what I tell myself anyway.

Seeing as it's February (and the second anniversary of sending that first letter to my first mother), I'm going to be writing my first mother an email asking her to consider meeting me. I've never actually asked her to meet me, so I'm going to put it out there. I have a feeling she'll say no. And then I'm going to have to ask again, only a bit more forcefully. But I think it's time that I put it out there to her. So I'm going to start working on it. It's been two years. It's time for us to meet.

So I'm making progress. I still have a long way to go. Maybe this month I'll actually get something crossed off my list. Wish me luck!

Lost Daughters: Two Years Ago Today...

2012-02-01T08:31:00.000-05:00

Lost Daughters: Two Years Ago Today...: I'll never forget the chain of events that changed my life over two years ago. It was the second weekend in August when my cousins came t...

It's All About the Attitude

2012-01-31T09:00:00.000-05:00

I'm learning that sometimes it's all about the attitude. I think my favorite part of philosophy in college was when we learned that there isn't really a reality. It's all about perception. No two people perceive the world in the same way. So there is not one reality, no one right way, no one absolute. Two people will view the same thing from different perspectives with different past experiences. I will always view things from the point of view of an adult adoptee who was born and raised in Massachusetts, went to a private college. and has a degree in engineering. Each life experience also shapes me so I'll see things differently from another adult adoptee born and raised in Massachusetts, who went to a private college, and has a degree in engineering. So we all see things differently. If each person sees things from their own perspective, then there cannot be one absolute reality. Just a blending of how we all see things. And I'm learning that how I see things is all dependent on my attitude.

I'm super into self-help books these days. Some of it's crap. This I acknowledge. So I read with a skeptical eye. Sometimes though you stumble across something great. And those gems are starting to help me through this rough patch. For starters, I'm starting to accept what happened to me. I phrase it that was because adoption is not something that I chose. It was chosen for me. It happened to me, without my consent. And there are times when it really does suck. I love my adoptive family. Don't get me wrong. But I wish I was their biological daughter. I wish I didn't have to deal with these issues. I wish I could be the same as everyone else. But I'm not. And I'm starting to accept that. It's a process and I'm not 100% there yet, but I'm working on it.

Next, I'm working on my attitude towards things. I'm learning that I need to be flexible and bend as life changes. That being said, I'm learning not to bend so far that I break. It's a fine line and I'm learning how to manage. I'm learning to accept that life isn't always fair. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. I can sit around and feel badly about it, or I can dust myself off, pick myself back up, and move forward. Being sucked down by something because it's unfair doesn't make things better, it just makes me feel worse. I'm also figuring out that I need to take care of myself. Sometimes I tend to put the needs of others first and then dealing with my own needs and wants second. I need to learn to take care of myself because if I'm not at my best, I can't do much for others (mental note: schedule yearly physical - no more putting it off because Mom's sick). So I'm working on fixing my attitude. It's a work in progress, but then again, isn't that what life's about?

My new favorite saying is that I'm a work in progress. I'll always be growing and learning and changing. Life isn't static. I'm trying to maintain a good attitude about everything. There are certain things in life that I can't change, so the only thing in my control is my attitude.

Writer's Block

2012-01-30T09:00:00.000-05:00

You know how some days you sit down to write a blog post and nothing comes out? Yup, having one of those days.

So you get this:

Exercising!

2012-01-28T09:00:00.000-05:00

Looking at my life, it's pretty clear to me that I need to make a change. Exercise used to be a legit part of my life. When I was a kid, I was always in a sport. Always. I played soccer in the fall and spring, skied in the winter, played softball in the spring, and swam in the summer. Plus there was bike riding, running around, you name it, we did it. And of course there was the ever present dance. I used to dance at least three days a week, reaching the five days a week level at one point. For hardcore dancers that's nothing, but I wasn't a hardcore dancer. So basically I had lots of exercise.

At one point, I had to learn how to run for soccer. They used to make us run about three miles during practice a few days a week. Good conditioning they would tell us. For me it was a bit pointless because I was the goalie who never really had to run anywhere. But at least I could run there fast! Then eventually I gave up soccer (it got way to competitive and I didn't like my teammates), gave up softball because I never really liked it, and wasn't as active during the summer because I had jobs. Then after high school I stopped dancing. I tried to get back into it after a year but it just didn't work out. I think the thing was that all my activities ended slowly so I didn't realize that I'd eliminated most exercise from my daily routine until it was a huge problem.

Two years ago I decided to make a change. It was right around the time of my first reunion and I knew that something had to give. I wasn't sleeping, and I was constantly on edge. My stress level was through the roof and I couldn't handle my life. I found my first mother and while that helped a little bit, I was sent into the spinning vortex that is reunion. And I had a lot of free time on my hands. So I got a Wii Fit. And I started working out everyday. And then I started to feel better about myself. I didn't think I could get in shape using a Wii Fit but it was perfect for me and what I was trying to do. I actually noticed a difference. And then the summer hit and I gave it up until I could go back to school. When I went back, I had a job. Between my nearly full time job and more than full time graduate program, I didn't have time to sleep, let alone exercise. So out of shape I fell again.

Now that I'm just working full time (no more school!) I've been trying to think of ways to be more healthy. I tried the Yoga thing and did OK with it, but it wasn't enough exercise for me to get all my pent up energy out. I'm taking a dance class which is really intense (an hour of tap dancing - trust me it's not easy!) but that's only one day a week, and it's not enough.

So I decided that I'm going to start running. Before this turns into yet another thing I start but don't finish, I did my homework. I figured out the best way to start training (running for 30 seconds to a minute, and then walking for two minutes for about a half hour). If I run three days a week (totally doable with our treadmill in the basement) I think I can be in decent running shape in about three weeks, as in I should be able to run for about ten minutes. Once I get to that point, I can start working towards my new goal, to run a 5K. There's a 5K in May that I have my eye set on. It's two towns over and the registration fee isn't bad at all. I think I can do it. I'm going to give it my best shot anyway.

I'm hoping that running will become fun the way that it used to be. It's not fun for me when I start out. I don't like trying to get into shape. But once I'm there, it becomes so much fun that I look forward to it. Or so I remember. So I want to get to that point. I'm going to give it my best effort. We'll see how this one goes...

Oh Social Technology

2012-01-27T09:00:00.000-05:00

I have a twitter. If you didn't know that, you can follow me @IBMTitleHere. Shameless plug I know... Anyway, I also have a personal twitter. So I have two twitter accounts and I tweet different things from each one. I'll admit that I'm awful at tweeting. Horrible. But I give it a try. And sometimes other people post some amazing stuff on Twitter and I read articles and stories that I never would have found otherwise.

Facebook on the other hand... Before I just had my one and only Facebook account. So you guessed it. My name is on there, plus lots of personal information. I have my visibility limited, but there's enough on there that I'm not anonymous. I blog anonymously. I use my first name, but I don't use my last name on here. In theory you should not be able to figure out who I am. My reason for this? I talk about other people on this blog. I talk about my first family, and I talk about my adoptive family. So for their privacy, I'm not public about this blog. But lots of sites now need you to log in via Facebook and I wasn't able to participate in that before. So I finally created a new Facebook account.

I'm jumping into the whole social media thing the way I didn't before. It should be interesting. It's a lot of work. I have to migrate what I did have about adoption (and heavily protected) over to my new adoption Facebook page. And if I like up here, I still have to be careful about what I post there so that I don't accidentally out anyone. So much stress. But all worth it to be able to log in to these websites and comment and all that fun stuff without giving away my name.

Also, I really need to get that adoption stuff off my personal Facebook account. I've had a few comments made in passing, and honestly? I just don't want to deal with it. It's not worth it. Besides, I've been dealing with dual personalities and dual identities since I was a baby. I'm a pro at this! Hehe!

Unasked Questions

2012-01-26T09:00:00.001-05:00

I have a number of questions that I haven't asked my first father. Each week when we email, we each come up with a question or two for the other person to answer. These questions are usually "Getting to know you" questions and we answer them for ourselves. So for example, I might ask my first father what his favorite Christmas gift was and then explain that mine was a dollhouse my grandfather built for me. I'd then go on to describe why it was so special (it took him hours to finish and it was exactly the kind that I wanted) and how it's one of the few things that I have that reminds me of him.

So most of our emails go back and forth like that. Sometimes the questions are better than others. I usually learn things about him that I didn't expect because of the way he answers the question. So it's an interesting thing. Also, for a while we were talking on the phone too so our emails were less of "how was your week?" and more "what am I supposed to write about?" It's a challenge.

That being said, there are questions that I've always wanted to ask but haven't had the chance. Actually, that's not true. I've had the chance, but I've been too scared to ask. I was afraid of scaring him away. So I kept a few questions to myself. Hard ones. Ones that he may not want to answer. And the truth is, he doesn't have to. He doesn't have to do anything. He could ignore them, like he's ignored other questions in the past. I don't expect him to be a walking encyclopedia and he doesn't have to lay his life bare to me. He tends to do that anyway, but that's another story for another day. On the other hand, I'm a naturally curious person and I ask weird questions anyway. And I've answered every question he's asked me.

I want to know if he's ever planning on telling his/my family about me. I'm curious. I want to know what he sees happening when my sisters find out about me. Are they going to be told they can't talk to their aunts/uncles/grandma about a new addition to the family? I have these questions because he's made it seem like he never plans on telling them, but he hasn't actually gone that far in saying that. I know he never expects me to meet them. So I want to ask realistically how he sees this whole thing going down in the future.

There is no law that says anybody can limit two consenting adults from getting to know each other if they so chose. So if I want to contact my paternal family (who are adults) I have the ability to do so and my first father doesn't get a say in it. His actions the past few months have proven to me that he does not have my best interests at heart and that he's putting himself first. So I've given myself permission to do what I think is best for me. Right now, what's best for me is to wait. I don't have time in my life for added drama. But that doesn't mean it will always be that way. So someday I'll get in touch when I'm in a good place to handle things. Right now just isn't that time.

I'm curious as to how he sees the whole thing going down. I really do wonder sometimes. I have a feeling that he thinks that he'll tell his daughters someday, maybe ten years or so down the line and that they will keep his secret (or at that point his family won't be around anymore... at least his mother won't). I'm also curious if that's a part of the decision to wait... he doesn't want his mother to know about me. So I'm going to ask. I'm going to wait another week or so (let the old drama settle a bit) and then I'll ask. He could either answer (and then I'll sort of know depending if he lies or not) or he might not. At least I'll have tried.

I have a few other questions too. I'll be asking them over the next few months. The gloves are off. I don't owe him anything. He doesn't owe me anything. I have nothing to lose at this point. He's already destroyed my trust. He has a new nickname in my head (it's the same as my old vice principle, a man who did everything our principle told him like a puppet on a sting). So I'm asking. No more nice, obedient adoptee. Time for the real Jenn to show her face and ask her questions. I'm done playing a role. It's time to just be me.

I Like Writing

2012-01-25T09:00:00.002-05:00

I was at lunch the other day and someone started talking about the importance of writing. We were discussing college classes and how even computer people have to take English classes and do lots of writing. Bet you didn't know that engineers are expected to be writers, did you? Anyway, it got me thinking about my own writing and all the writing I do. I do a lot of writing here. Some posts are short, some are long, but there's a post (almost) everyday. And you know what? It's a lot easier now than it used to be. I look back at some of the earlier posts and see how far I've come. It's a great exercise and I'm really enjoying it.

This isn't my only blog either. I have a blog that for now is private about my relationship with Rudy. It's private because I want to make it look awesome before I give out the address and I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it. It's a personal blog that I'm going to be sharing with my family and friends but I'm not sure if anyone really wants to read it. In actuality, it's more for just the two of us as a chronicle of our relationship so we'll have the memories someday (like a live scrapbook that's always being added to). So even though I don't write there everyday, it's a completely different experience to write for myself in the future. If that makes sense.

I also started a super private blog. I've decided to let the sister thing go for now. But because I'm me, I can't really let anything go. So I've started a super private blog where I'm writing them letters everyday. Sometimes I write about me and my history, sometimes I write advice I wish I could give them. I don't ever write about our parents. Some posts are pictures I want to share with them. Sometimes I just post a quote. But everyday there's something there. They might never see the blog. It's more for me to feel like I'm doing something. If we do get in touch, I can either give them access or I can chose from my letters and send a few to them. We'll see.

That's a lot of writing. Lots and lots of writing. I'm glad I have the time now. I don't think I always will. So I'm going to keep writing as much as I can right now and keep going for as long as I can. And because I'm in the habit of writing everyday, I hope that when things get crazy again (and we all know they will), I'll still be able to write and keep it up.

Plus all this writing means that my typing has gotten a lot faster. Which is amazing. My goal is to get up to 75 WPM by the end of the winter. I can do it. I'm floating around 72 right now. Hehe!

Ability and Willingness

2012-01-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

I love comments. Like seriously. Because sometimes, wonderful things come out of comments. Other times not so much, but hey, it happens. I learn a lot from comments that are left here. Sometimes it's another adult adoptee commenting. I love those comments because they make me feel connection to "my people". Other times it's first mothers, and I love those comments because I've met some kick ass first mothers who offer a great perspective. And they make me feel less crazy and like my first mother maybe isn't the majority (which would make me sad). And sometimes, its adoptive parents, and those comments often make me think. I've gotten some great support from some adoptive mom's (haven't had an adoptive dad yet, but who knows?) and I've gotten some great comments.

Adoptive Mom Lavender Luz left this fantastic comment that really got me thinking on my last post responding to comments:

I have often wondered about the different circumstances surrounding placement and how they might affect the child placed. Such as babyscooped, or if the mother WANTED to parent but wasn't able to for whatever reason, or if she COULD have but wouldn't. The question of ability vs willingness -- which would be more difficult to face?

Thank you for responding to Esperanza's question. Lots to think about with adoption reform and finding a home for a child rather than a child for a home.

I am so sad that your mother has never told you she loves you. How do you fill that hole. Can you?

See? What a great comment! One that really got me thinking. And when I think, I blog. So you get this nice blog post about ability vs. willingness. Which would be more difficult to face? Now I've only really faced one but my story isn't really cut and dry. There was a lot going on at the time.

Here's what happened with me. My first parents got pregnant. My first father didn't know, went away for training. I was born. My first mother decided to put me up for adoption (at this point, nobody knew about me). My first grandparents found out about me and told my first mother she could either continue with her adoption plans or she could move out. My first father returned home and found out about me. A week later, my parents terminated their rights and put me up for adoption.

Sounds simple right? Well, my maternal grandparents may not have been wealthy, but they've done very well for themselves. They were young (in their late 40's) when I was born. They had a house, lived comfortably, and had the resources to raise another child should they wanted to. But they didn't. And they had no warning. They found out about me the day after I was born.

My paternal grandmother was older. She raised several of her grandchildren. In her family, children stay in the family. However, she probably wouldn't have been able to take me in. I have an aunt who was looking into adopting a child around that time. She could have taken me in (according to my first father). Only my first father did not want me to stay in the family because he didn't agree with the way his nieces and nephews were being raised and didn't want his kids to be raised that way. I guess he wanted how I was raised to be completely unknown.

Also, my first parents got engaged less than a year after my birth. Maybe that wouldn't have happened if they had kept me. But they did stay together. So did they have the ability? Probably. My maternal grandparents could have stepped up and supported their daughter. They could have raised me. My paternal family could have raised me as well (and probably would have wanted to had they known about me). My first parents could have gotten an apartment together and tried to work it out. It would have been scary and hard, but they wouldn't be the first 21-year-old's to be in that position. I'm not saying that's the right answer, just that they may have had the ability to raise me.

However, they ultimately didn't want to. If they wanted to, they would have asked my first father's family for help. They were afraid their relationship wouldn't survive the struggles of having a child. My first father didn't have a job and was debating enlisting. My first mother already had separated herself mentally from me and saw me as someone else's child. They chose not to parent.

That was really hard to face. They could have kept me but they didn't. Everything that I've written above, the fact that it wasn't black and white, did not matter to me when I first realized that. It didn't matter to my inner child, the one who had questioned why I was given away ever since I can remember. It didn't matter to the person who often wondered what was wrong with me as a baby for someone to give me away. There is no easy way to take the fact that your parents did not want to raise you. My first parents did not move mountains to try to parent me. That honor goes to my adoptive parents who jumped through every hoop. But for my adoptive parents, any baby would have done the job. That wasn't personal. For my first parents, it was. The two do not balance each other out.

I would have preferred for the problem to have been with ability. That's just me though. Maybe it's a grass is always greener thing. I'm happy that I know the truth. I'm glad that I know why. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. I would rather be able to feel badly for my first mother and be able to say, "She did everything she could to keep me" rather than "She didn't want to parent me". Again, that's just me though.

As for the last part of the comment, I don't think there is a way to completely fill that hole. I think I will be able to more fully heal after I meet her. I feel like I'll be able to walk away. I feel like I'll never fully understand her, but I'll always love her. To me, love isn't about being loved in return. That's the beauty of it. I can love her without being loved back. And loving her is a huge part of my life, and it somehow makes it better.

Sometimes It's Better Not to Share

2012-01-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

I was asked not to talk about my reunion at home. Actually, I was asked not to talk about "those people" around my mother. I say asked but it really wasn't like that. I was told. But I'm 24 years old. Nobody tells me what to do. And I never promised that I wouldn't. Before I saw my first father on my birthday, I told my mother about it. I did make a promise to her not to keep things like that from her a while back. I plan on keeping that promise.

However, I haven't told her about anything that's happened recently. In an odd turn of events, my sister knows more about my reunion than my mother does. The person who was least supportive at this point knows the most. And her least supportiveness (ha, I made up a word!) is now the most supportive that anyone is my family is being. Go figure.

My adoptive family has no idea what has happened with my first father. I told my mentor about it, and her reaction was enough for me. She was very upset that it had happened (I don't blame her) and she immediately went after both of my first parents. She was being protective of me. I get that. And to her, it makes complete sense for me to cut off all contact and never look back. She doesn't think I should even consider making contact with my sisters, even ten years down the line, because they were raised by "those people" and why would I want anything to do with them?

So I'm not talking about it in real life anymore. I'm running scared. I'm back in the reunion closet. Well, it's not a reunion anymore, so I'll have to come up with another name for it. I worked so hard to get out of that closet too. Yet back in I go. Though I'll admit, this time to door is open a crack. I think my new response to people is going to be that I know my biological parents and leave it at that. They don't need to know that my only contact with them right now is holiday emails. Two line emails (ouch). But I do know my biological father. I know him. I've met him. I've talked to him about all sorts of stuff. So I'll fudge it a bit and make it seem like I know her too. And I sort of do if you can know someone through email.

I'm just learning not to share. Because honestly? I feel like I have to defend them. Because they are my family. They always will be. They are where I come from. I love them. They are my parents. I have four parents, not just two. And I love all four of them. So when I share my story to my friends and family and they react to defend me, I get put in this super awkward position because I feel the need to defend them, but then I'm defending people who really hurt me. Badly. Which sucks. So I'm just keeping things private. And I know it will break my mother's heart. She never wanted me to be hurt. She was so cautious before and wanted to be there along the way with me because she had a feeling that this would happen to me. So she doesn't need to know. She doesn't remember to ask me about them anymore. The Grinch won't bring them up, ever. Or if he did, it would just be to remind me how much he doesn't want to talk about it. And my sister, well, it's a sore spot for us so we avoid it if we can.

So I'm here. Not talking in real life. With the exception of a friend or two (you know who you are...). But I am blogging. Because that's all I can do right now. I can't make them change their minds. I can't give them resources because they are so private that if I explained that I knew people they could talk to they would flip out. I can't fix this situation without completely compromising myself. And as much as I'd like to, I just can't right now. Tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be.

Picture Sunday: From the Floor

2012-01-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

I took all of these pictures in my bedroom from the floor. It was an interesting perspective to be sure! I figured I'd try to find as many interesting photos as I could from one spot... It was pretty interesting to see how much I could twist and turn without moving from that spot just to get an interesting angle. I don't think it's the best way to take photos, but it was a fun challenge and these could have come out a lot worse!

Yes, that's me in the reflection!

My favorite... I did lots of twisting
to get this composition right.

This was more interesting
than I thought it would be!

The Darker Side of Reunion

2012-01-21T09:00:00.002-05:00

Sometimes people tend to forget that there were unintended consequences for me when I entered into reunion. Obviously being adopted in the first place had some major consequences (my name, identity, family, friends, history, etc). But my reunion sparked it's own set of consequences, some of which I think its easy not to think about. (Note: this is about my reunion. These are my consequences. Not all reunions are like this)

For starters, I opened up to my family about my reunion. It started with my parents and my sister. My adoptive parents at first were supportive, but it's strained our relationship. I've noticed that I've been treated differently since I told them I had found my biological family. The Grinch felt betrayed. My mom was hurt I hadn't included her in the search. Both of them struggled with what my reunion meant to them, and to me. They both worried about me, knowing the back-story that I didn't. And my sister seemed OK at first, and then became jealous of both my sisters (just the fact that she had to share me with two people I've never met) and my reunion in general. We went from being close to barely speaking and borderline hating each other. She's finally starting to come around, but it's been a rough few years and I've had to get through them without my sister.

As I opened up to my extended family, they were supportive. They still are. But it's not something that they understand or really want to. It's not discussed. Things do get a bit more tense. I do get treated a little bit differently. And I notice. Or maybe it's just my perception that's changed. Maybe it isn't them, maybe it's me who treats things differently. Either way, it's a consequence of my reunion. While still close to my family, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in all the time, rather than just every once and a while like when I was a kid.

My reunion changed my relationship with Rudy. Rather than being able to focus on us, I've had to spend a lot more time focusing on myself. More time than I'd like. While I know that it's better for us in the long run if I deal with this now, it's frustrating sometimes to spend so much time and energy on my reunion. I've invested a lot of my life in these relationships that are still secret on their end. And that's a lot to handle. I'm so fortunate to have a supportive boyfriend. And he's been amazing. But I would still much rather spend the time I've spent on two failed reunions with my boyfriend and other friends.

There are a lot of positives too. I don't want to discredit them. I've met some fantastic people. I've been inspired by the stories I've read. I better understand myself, and I don't feel so alone. Knowing my truth and my history has been an amazing things. Before all this started two years ago, I had no idea where I came from. I was ashamed of a history I didn't know. I didn't know who I looked like. I didn't know my own birth story. I felt like I didn't know who I was as a person. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I would search and contact all over again if I had the choice knowing what I know now. I wouldn't hesitate.

But overall, there were a lot of things that this reunion has changed in my life because I was open about it. I took a chance in opening up about it. I'm glad that I did, but I think that often people forget that when an adoptee opens up about a reunion to adoptive family members and others, it can be a huge challenge and things do change. It affects a lot of different relationships and it takes a long time to process. Adoption reunion isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes there is a darker side of reunion that gets glossed over.

So it's something to consider. Something to keep in mind. Adoption doesn't just affect the adoptee, adoptive parents, and first parents. It affects extended families, friends, and others. It affects future spouses, and future children. And while being open is in my honest opinion the best way to handle things, it doesn't mean that it's always a walk in the park. For me, I cared enough about my first parents to be open about our relationship and to take the negative consequences with the positive ones. C'est la vie.

Response to Comments From Found

2012-01-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday I posted about Found by Jennifer Lauck. Amazing book! Recommend it to everyone! I really enjoyed the book tour (my first one) and I learned a lot reading all the posts and comments. I've been avoiding a lot of adoption stuff this week but I'm starting to feel better about things after getting my email so I'm trying to go back through all the blogs on the tour (there were thirty) and comments (I missed a bunch the first time around).

It took me three browsers (thanks Mozilla for finally working!) before I could respond to each comment (thanks Blogger for making that change) but there were a few comments that I thought deserved their own blog post.

For starters, Melynda from Letters to Ms Feverfew (awesome first mom!) sent this over:

"Just making the rounds to all of the participants in the book tour so please forgive the copy and paste job. :)
As I have read every single book tour participant's blog posts (haven't commented on all of them, but I have read them all!), I have been longing for a way that we could standardize our impressions, etc. Would you be willing to rate this book on a scale from one to five, one being the lowest and five being the highest. Also, would you recommend this book to others? Who? Can you sum up your feelings about the book in two or three sentences?
I can't help myself...I'm a mixed methods researchers and love to have numbers to go along with people's experiences!
Thanks so much for humoring me on this one.

Melynda"

You're always forgiven Melynda! If I had to rate this book, I'd give it a five. My reasoning is this: it's not supposed to make you feel comfortable with adoption. It's supposed to challenge the idea that adoption is always a wonderful thing. It's the story of Jennifer's life. You can't rewrite history. It happened. This book is Jennifer's truth. So even though it might make some feel uncomfortable or make them question their views, it's Jennifer's truth and thus should be read as such. How can you not read a book about someone's truth? Highest recommendation from me to everyone (as I mentioned in my post).

Finally, I got this comment from Esperanza, and I really wanted to give it a good answer because it's such a good comment.

"Dear Jenn,
Thank you so much for your thoughts and experiences on this. I found them incredibly insightful and well spoken. It is so important for everyone who is touched by adoption (which is everyone really, as we all know someone who has been adopted) to hear the words of adult (and child) adoptees. Thank you for your brave words.
I must admit, I found this section to be very thought provoking and I've been thinking about it a lot since I read it:
'My mother could have kept me. It would have been hard. It would have been challenging. But she could have made it work. She chose not to. It was about her. Just like my adoptive parents adopted me for them. It wasn’t about giving a baby a home; it was about finding a baby for their home. My adoption wasn’t about me. It was about everyone else.'
Ever since I read this part my head has been full of questions: Are there any situations in which an adoption is about the adoptee or is it inherently about all the other people involved? How is having a biological child about the child and not about having a child for a couple's home? Can a birth mother really never give up her child as an act of love or is it always selfish? I'm not trying to challenge your feelings on this I'm just curious what someone who has personal experience with the situation thinks about all of this. I have so many questions.
Thank you again for your brave words. They have touched me in ways I can't articulate."

OK, so lots to think about here, and I'm going to do my best to answer thoughtfully. I do think that there are situations where adoption can be about the adoptee. It happens. I think it happens a lot in family adoptions. Say I have kids. And then the father and I tragically die. And my sister adopts my kids so that they can stay in our family and not go to the foster system. That's one example of when adoption is about the kids. Unless my sister is the one who killed me so that she could adopt them. I don't think she'd do that... Hehe! Lots of examples here, but that's just one of them. I just think that the majority of adoptions today are not about the adoptee.

Fantastic point about having a biological child! You're 100% right that having a biological child isn't about the child, it's about the parents wanting a child, which is very similar to adoptive parents wanting a child and adopting for them rather than the child. Great question to think about. I offer this though... Have you ever heard a parent raising their biological child state that they had the child for that child's benefit? I haven't. It sounds very odd to me and ridiculous. I have however heard adoptive parents say that they adopted to "save" the adoptee and that they sacrificed a lot for the adoptee. I've also heard adoptive parents raise themselves up akin to sainthood for adopting. Not all adoptive parents are like this (THANK GOODNESS!) and I have to say that I've met some amazing adoptive parents who aren't like this and I love them so much for it. But there's a special bunch out there (who I highly doubt are reading this). So I think that's the major difference to me. As an adoptee, I'm supposed to be grateful for things that other people aren't. I'm supposed to be grateful for having good parents. I've never heard that statement made to someone who wasn't adopted.

I do think there are first mothers out there who give up their child and it comes from a loving place. Or that at least they think it's coming from a loving place at the time. I've heard stories of mothers who had health reasons and felt they couldn't give their child a mother for a long time. It happens. That's just one example. I do however think that a lot of mothers assume that their children are better off without them. I think this is a bad assumption. And on the other hand, there are plenty of mother's out there who are selfish.

My mother didn't give me away as an act of love. She didn't want to parent me. She never seriously considered parenting me. I don't assume this. She told me. I have proof (just not going to post her words here because I don't want to invade her privacy). She told me that she didn't want to hold me even though the nurses encouraged her to. She told me that she never saw me because she didn't want to. She told me that she wasn't my mother. She gave birth to me, yes, but no, she wasn't my "mother". In the two years I've "known" her, she has never once said that she loves me. The closest she ever got was telling me that she hopes all my dreams come true. And that she prays for me. She refused to talk to me on the phone. She won't meet me. Having me was the biggest mistake of her life, and giving me away was the best thing she could have done for both her and me. Yes, she said all of this more than once. Yes, my first father confirmed later that that's how she really feels, she wasn't just saying those things. We don't want to think about "those" mothers, but they are out there. Mine's one of them. Does that make her a bad person? Not at all. In fact, I think she's a fantastic person when it comes to anything other than me. Add me to the mix, and she turns into someone else. C'est la vie.

So those are my thoughts in an extremely long blog post. But I felt like an amazing comment deserved at least a full answer because those questions really got me thinking and I wanted to respond. Thank you for your thoughts and for asking questions! I appreciate it so much that you took the time to ask. Not everyone would have.

Got My Email (Finally)

2012-01-19T09:00:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm please to report that I got my email. And I'm also pleased to report that I did not go crazy and it was not at all what I expected. For starters, my first father apologized for not getting back to me sooner. He's not mad at me. And he said that he understands and gets why I feel that way. He's happy that we can still email. He's going to let me know when things are going to move forward but he's not going to bring it up until he knows for sure next time (so we avoid the whole Thanksgiving thing).

So after me freaking out and thinking he hated me, it turns out he just needed some extra time to email me. I wish he had sent that last week. It would have made things so much easier on me. And would have eliminated a week of major stress and serious sleep deprivation.

So I guess we're going to email each other like we used to in the beginning. It's a major step backwards, but its something. I'll still roughly know what's going on. I can look forward to the emails. I'll still be in the back of his mind and I won't be going away anytime soon. I'm making the assumption (which can be bad) that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Eventually they have to be more open about me. And they can't ignore me if at least one of them is getting an email from me every week.

I want to know what's going on. It's hard to explain. But I guess if I had to try, I would say that I have a feeling that eventually, they are going to tell my sisters. I don't think it's going to be anytime soon. I wouldn't be surprised if it's not ten or so years down the line. I have a feeling that I'll snap long before then. So what we are left with is that it's going to take a while.

Now is not a good time for me. This was figured out Thanksgiving. And who knows what's going to happen next? I have to believe that if it really wasn't a good time for me, I could speak up about it. They could still tell my sisters, but they could ask that I be given some space before my sisters contact me if that's what they want. Because reunions are completely and totally overwhelming. And all consuming. No matter what. Even when prepared, even when you are the one initiating it, it's still something that you lose control over. Or at least I do. It took me a solid two months with each parent for the world to even feel like it wasn't spinning so much. Crazy scary. I couldn't sleep, I could eat, and I neglected my friends, family, boyfriend, everything. And that's OK if I'm in a place where I can better handle things. And if my life doesn't totally suck, then I can handle the rejection better.

Right now, I'm in a so-so place. My mother is doing very well. I'm adjusting. I'm grieving, but it's going a lot better. Rudy and I worked out a lot. So things are better between us. And things are getting better living at home. With my sister home, it won't be long before I'm making plans, but I have a rough idea already that includes me looking for a new apartment in two months. So that's OK too.

But I know that I have some major life changes up the road. For starters, a new apartment. Next, Rudy and I are talking about taking a step forward in our relationship which is going to reek major havoc on my life (in a very good and positive way). And I have no idea how long things are going to stay like this with my mom. That could change at anytime. So I wouldn't want my first parents to tell my sisters about me right before a major event. Or during a major change. Or at least I'd want to have an idea that it was coming to mentally prepare myself.

Then again, I could be worrying about nothing. Seriously. Probably never going to happen. But you never know. So I'm preparing for the worst, but still hoping for the best. And that means emailing my first father every now and then. We'll see where this one goes.

Switched At Birth: The Dating Your Father Complex (not really)

2012-01-18T08:55:00.001-05:00

I'm a fan of ABC Family's Switched at Birth. Although I wasn't "switched at birth", I do find some of the themes to be similar. I watched last night's episode "Self-Portrait With a Bandaged Ear" and was again struck at how similar some of the themes are. (Note: I'm about to talk about a few minor plot points).

Basically, you have two girls who are switched at birth, and figure it out when they are 16. Major twist is that one of the girls is deaf. So you basically have all these issues that the show gets to explore about not only being switched at birth but also the differences between the deaf and hearing worlds. Back to the switch thing. One girl ends up with this super rich family (the father was a major league baseball player) while the other girl ends up with a single mom in a bad area of town. Eventually, the other father comes back and had the opportunity to get to know his biological daughter.

So you have Bay and Angelo getting to know one another. Which is awkward. So in this episode, Bay meets Angelo at a coffee shop where the two of them are going to get to know each other. This is really their first time hanging out together just the two of them because all other "visits" have had a chaperon. So it's strange. And neither of them know what to say. And he orders her a coffee not realizing that she's 16 and not really allowed to drink it. Whoops! And then Bay says the most amazing thing. She tells him that it's so strange because it's like a cross between an interview and a date. Only he's her father.

She hit the nail on the head. Exactly what I felt like getting to know my first father. There's a lot of qualities that are similar to dating. Only it's not a date because he's your father. So then it feels more like an interview. But not really. There really isn't any situation that's similar. So weird and awkward. And because it's weird and awkward, you know that something doesn't feel right. Or at least I knew something didn't feel right. And that just made it worse. Don't get me wrong, it was amazing getting to know my first father. But different and unexpected at the same time. Twilight zone different.

Anyway, that small line stuck with me for the rest of the show. Because it summed up so perfectly what I was feeling nearly a year ago when I met my first father for the first time. And it really made me think about why that show is on television. Because honestly? It's like something that no other situation compares to. There isn't anything else like it. This feeling of getting to know someone you are biologically related to for the first time not as a child but as an adult (or teen in this case). It's not normal and people are drawn to the story line. Or at least that's what I think anyway.

I was talking to Rudy about things last night. He compared what I was going through to a break up. And in some cases, he's right. But at the same time, when you break up with someone, there's a small glimmer of hope that maybe there's someone else out there. You can meet another person eventually. You might not think that right away, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My first father can never be replaced. There is only one person out there who contributed that part of my DNA. I can't search again and find someone else. That's it. He's it. So if things are really done, then that's it. It's painful, but the truth.

And because it's January 18th, go check out Amanda's blog post STOP SOPA/PIPA!

Being Busy Isn't Helping

2012-01-17T09:00:00.001-05:00

I'm being buried alive in paperwork! My company updates its training records every few years and this is one of those years. Because I'm the new girl, I have a lot to update. So guess who's reading hundreds of pages of procedures? You're looking at her!

It's also self-evaluation time. My mother used to go crazy when she had to do her self-evaluation. Mine isn't as complicated as hers. Plus it really helps that I type all day long so I crank out paragraphs like it's nothing. But it's still stressful trying to figure out the best way to sell myself, the girl who's only been there for a few months and still trying to figure out where all the bathrooms are (to be fair, this building is MASSIVE. It's a half a mile long. Literally).

One good thing about all this paperwork is that it's taking my mind off of other things. And I've been pretty busy at home too. My first father hasn't emailed me back yet. Which is fine. I shouldn't expect him to. After all, I did change things up. I had every right to. I was justified. But that still doesn't mean that he's not going to be hurt by it. So I have to give him time to deal with it. And I honestly don't know what's going on in his life. So there could be a lot going on that I don't know about. So that could be holding up his response.

I got some new furniture for my bedroom. It's been a long time coming. My clothes have literally been stacked on the floor in piles for about two months because I have no place to put them after the Grinch requested my old dresser for the guest bedroom. I finally got my new dresser but that means that I have to organize everything again. Joy. Oh well! Something to do!

I'm working on a few Valentine's Day surprises for Rudy. He's been a bit stressed out lately and I want to give him a pick me up. Part of his gift is here already but the other part needs to be ordered far in advance. And it's going to take a pretty significant time to get to my house. So my goal is to be finished by Friday so I don't have to worry about it.

If I can keep busy, maybe I won't check my email as much. Maybe I won't feel the sting of rejection, which really makes no sense seeing as I want to end things, every time there is no email. Really, I shouldn't feel this way. But I do. There's a part of me, a stupid part, that desperately wants him to write back and say that he's sorry and I'm right and I'm not going to be a secret anymore. Not going to happen. Not in a million years. I know this. But I still hope. It's a huge flaw...

So here's to hoping that today will bring a change. That today he'll get back to me and let me know that he at least doesn't hate me. It shouldn't matter to me. I shouldn't care about what other people think. He didn't raise me and he made it perfectly clear that while I'm his daughter, I don't matter as much as his other daughters. I'm not on equal footing as them because he chose not to raise me. So what he thinks of me shouldn't matter. But somehow it does. (Note to self: Work on that)

What Do I Call This Limbo?

2012-01-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

Am I in a reunion? Or is it a non-reunion? Is it a relationship? How do I define it?

How complicated things seem to have gotten. I don't even know the status of my own "reunion" or what to call it. Before, we were talking, texting, and emailing. We may not have seen each other that much (three times in a year, which is alright considering we live an hour away from each other) but it was still something.

To me, there are people in your life you meet once, you maybe share a moment, and then that's it. You may never see them again. Sometimes you meet someone, get to know them, become friends, and for some reason they are no longer in your life after that period of time. I have friends that I made in England that I never expect to see again. We were temporary friends. We knew it at the time. I have other friends I didn't expect to be temporary but it happens. I've given up feeling guilty about that.

Then there are other people I have relationships with. I have family members I make an effort to see. This means stopping by after work, checking in, and making plans. Other family members I make an effort to spend time with when they are in the area. One aunt lives over an hour away so when she's in town I make an effort to spend time with her. But I don't stress about it. She's my aunt. She's not going to disappear on me. If I don't talk to her in a month, it's not really a big deal because at some point I will. She cares about me, I care about her, because at the end of the day we're family. Other family members and I don't have a meaningful relationship for whatever reason. What's that they say about not being able to pick your family?

It was very hard for me to define my relationship with my first father. Extremely hard. Because he's not my father, not in the same way that the Grinch is. No matter how frustrated I get with the Grinch, not matter how much we butt heads, he is and always will be my father. He may not have always been around on a day to day basis when I was growing up, may not ask me how I'm doing, may not act like he cares at times, but deep down I know he loves me and wants me to do well. And he's the one who worked overtime on the weekends so that I could play soccer, take piano lessons, and grow up in a nice town (though the status of my town is certainly debatable). That's been pounded into my head from a young age. He'll always be my dad. He's the one I told my kindergarten teacher I wanted to marry someday. And nothing will every change that. So my first father and I could never fully have a father-daughter relationship because someone else in my life will always have that role.

I'm close with a few of my uncles, one in particular. My parents were never into sports, but I was. So I desperately wanted to learn about football, but the Grinch didn't know and didn't care to know. My uncle stepped up to the plate and taught me everything I know. I learned about my favorite sport from him, and we'd watch the games together. Then one day we were hanging out at the beach. My uncle asked my cousin if he wanted to play catch but my cousin wasn't interested. I told my uncle that I would, but I didn't know how to throw a football. My uncle was shocked because he knew how much I loved watching the games. So he "fixed" that problem. Rudy still can't get over that I throw a football better than he does. So my uncle and I are close. But I don't call him every week. I don't text him all the time (though I will admit to saving his text messages because they make me laugh). So my first father and I were closer than that. In fact, my first father and I didn't have a relationship that was like any of the other relationships in my life. Very hard to define and hard to figure out.

Now, I don't know what's going on. I haven't heard back from him after sending my email. I left things up to him, but I guess he's taking some time to think things over. We all know what his response is going to be, but now I'm not talking to him. Or texting. Or making plans to meet up. Before I'd ask him for advice. I'd look forward to our phone conversations. Now, the thought of dealing with him makes me start to freak out. I don't want to see him. I don't want to hear his voice. I don't want to listen to his excuses. Don't get me wrong, I'll always love him and my first mother. They are my biological parents. They'll always be family. But I just because I love them doesn't mean that I have to like this situation or even them at this very moment.

I know that eventually my heart will heal. And I'll move on. And maybe then I'll want back what I had, even though that's not possible. Things can never go back. I trusted him and he destroyed that. I'll always wonder if he's going to do it again. That's twice now that he's effectively given me away and chosen a different path, one that doesn't include me. So for now, I need to focus on healing. I'm getting there. Every day that passes, it gets easier. I'm just being dragged back into this because I sent that email. And I'm waiting on hearing back. I think I made a mistake in telling him that I don't mind getting emails. Because I should have just stopped everything. It would have been easier. But I was OK a few weeks ago. So I'll get back to that point eventually. Until then, I'll be here, healing.

Found Book Tour Discussion

2012-01-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

I participated in the Found Book Tour. I read Found by Jennifer Lauck along with other adoption bloggers and submitted several discussion questions. I was given a list of discussion questions of which I picked three to answer here. Others have been posting their own answers to these and other questions. I'd love to hear what you have to say down in the comments section!

As someone who does not have living children, I felt a little dissed by the author's assertions that being a mother brings clarity that is otherwise impossible to have. Did others read this the same way? Do you agree? Disagree?

I do not have children either; however, I did not feel dissed in the least by those assertions. I’m an adoptee who was separated from her mother immediately after birth. My mother did not hold me. She did not even see me. Despite the nurses encouraging her to hold me, she refused and asked that I be taken away for fear she would change her mind about giving me up. I know these things from her. As an adoptee who did not know where she came from until two years ago, I can attest to feeling lost and alone. I had a feeling like I just emerged in this world. I was not “born” in my eyes. I used to call myself a stork baby, someone who was just dropped on my parents’ doorstep at two months old. I have nothing, no pictures, no stories, nothing, from the time before my life with them. It is from this perspective that I understood that as an adoptee without children, I know nothing of that bond. I suspect that should I have children someday, I’ll have that clarity. I’ll understand what it is that as a baby I lost. Do I think that having a child will change the way that I see the world? Most defiantly. Do I think that I can’t be a person without one? Not at all. Only time will tell I suppose.

Who would you suggest should read this memoir, and why?

I think that anyone connected to adoption should read this memoir. And I don’t mean connected as in just adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, first parents, and adoptees. I’m talking people who have friends who are adopted. I’m talking about people who have nieces, nephews, grandchildren, neighbors, husbands, wives, etc. who are adopted. I think there are a lot of misconceptions about adopted people out there, and I think this memoir challenges a lot of those misconceptions. I also think that the author speaks with a great voice, one that should be listened to. As a society, we accept adoption as a wonderful thing. As a society, we tend to not listen to adult adoptees. Their voices (my own included) are often silenced because we don’t always speak what everyone wants to hear. Things that other people take for granted we are denied and told we cannot speak about. We are told by people who know their biology and history that biology and history don’t matter. People will access to their original birth certificates tells us that we shouldn’t have access to ours. I think that memoirs like this are the key to getting others to take a step back and start listening to the voices of those who are arguably the most affected by adoption.

On pp 17-18, Jennifer talks about a baby searching for her mother after being born. How did this sensory-rich passage strike you? What thoughts did it trigger about the role you play in adoption?

I’ll admit, I cried when I read these pages and had to put the book down. I never had that with my mother. I was completely overwhelmed reading this and had to walk away for days before I had the courage to pick up the book again. I could see myself as a baby looking for my mother, someone I couldn’t find and was separated from. It broke my heart that I went through that as a child. It made me yearn for my mother all over again. I have yet to meet her. Reading this just makes me want to meet her even more. As I read this, my role was more defined for me than ever. I was the helpless baby looking for my mother. I was the one without a choice. As a baby, I would have chosen my mother. Nothing else mattered to me. I didn’t know anything else. I just knew her. I knew her voice, her smell, her being. And she was gone. I was born and that was it. I didn’t have a say in it. My wants weren’t taken into consideration. My mother could have kept me. It would have been hard. It would have been challenging. But she could have made it work. She chose not to. It was about her. Just like my adoptive parents adopted me for them. It wasn’t about giving a baby a home; it was about finding a baby for their home. My adoption wasn’t about me. It was about everyone else. This passage made that pretty clear to me all over again. It helped me to realize that I do need to spend more time thinking about this and working on these issues before I have my own children.

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.

The Ground Isn't Shaking As Much

2012-01-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

I feel better about things. I made my decision. The ball is no longer in my court when it comes to reunion at this moment. While I love being in control, I also hate the stress. I don't like wondering what I should do and trying to make up my mind. I forget sometimes how much power I have or that really it can be up to me. So it's been stressful because I told my first father I'd think about what I wanted going forward and I'd get back to him.

Now that I've responded, I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. I don't know how he's going to take my response to all of this. I have a very good guess. I can see him saying that he either just wants to email or nothing at all. I don't see him wanting to text anymore if I won't abide by his new contact rules. So I can see things continuing as just emails for now. Or not at all. We'll see. I'm surprisingly OK with things. Or I will be once I hear back from him. We've now passed his normal "I'm writing you a response" time. As in normally he would have emailed me back at this point. But I guess I can see why he hasn't. I took some time to think things through. So I think he's probably doing the same. That or he doesn't want to put the final nail in the coffin. But feels like he has to. Stinks being the one who has to end things. But I'll get there. I'm getting there. One small step at a time.

We got amazing news about my mom last week. Her new scans are better than ever. I'm really happy about how things have been going lately with my mom. She's doing better. So much better in fact. For the first time in months I have hope. I know things won't stay like this forever. Her cancer isn't curable. But it feels like this current treatment is buying her a lot of time, time we didn't think we'd have. So I'll take it.

My sister is starting to come around. We were talking about a hypothetical situation (I got into an argument with an aunt over a hypothetical situation and I was telling my sister about the ridiculousness of it all) when she asked about my first father. She just wanted to know how things were going. It was a simple question, I gave an honest answer. I asked her if she ever thought about looking and when she answered sometimes, I offered her help if she ever wanted it. Then we moved on to a different topic. It's a small step, but a step none the less. I'll take what I can get.

I keep telling myself that things have to be bad sometimes for the good things to seem extra special. That makes a lot of sense when I say it in my head anyway...

Wearing Big Girl Panties

2012-01-13T09:00:00.002-05:00

I don't always feel like a grown up. There are several reasons for this. It's a problem.

For starters, I live at home. With my parents. Who don't view me as an adult. So it's pretty hard to feel like a grown up when your parents are telling you what to do from the moment you walk through the door after work (a big girl job too!) until you go to bed (and they tell you when that is). Sigh. It's not their fault. It's a common thing that parents don't see their adult children as adults. Especially when they are still living at home. So I'll always be their little girl. It just gets annoying. That's not going to change until I move out. Which can't happen for a least a few more months. Oh well. I'll get there!

Next, this whole reunion thing sent be backwards a bit. Something about connecting with a parent. It's hard to do so as an adult. So it's easier to think about when I was a kid and try to relate to my first parents from that point of view. I'm not saying I acted like a kid around them. Not at all. But it made me take a step back into childhood and revisit a lot of those memories. It's hard to move forward when you're looking back. But at the same time, I had to look back. I just got a bit stuck there. I'll get over it.

The majority of my friends are my own age or younger. We're all in various stages in terms of where we're living, our states of employment, and where we are with school. The best way for everyone to connect is to act like we're still in college at times. Because that's the thing that we all have in common. But it doesn't make one feel horribly grown up. I'm having a lot of fun with them. And I'm not going to give that up. But still, doesn't make one feel like a mature college graduate. And let's not forget that Rudy lives at home as well. So even when I visit him, it's not the same as if one of us had our own apartment.

It's not a huge problem, but at this point in my life, I do feel ready for more. I do have a big girl job. I'm making plans to have my own big girl place. My boyfriend and I are talking about our future together, something that might actually materialize in the next year or two. And I'm starting to think about what it is that I want out of life. It's time to make some big girl decisions. I can't imagine that I graduated high school six years ago (nearly). It's unbelievable to me. Time flew by so fast. So I don't want to spend the next six years or so in a state of fogginess.

The purpose of my search and reunion was so that I could feel more complete. So that I could get my answers and live a better life. To figure out my past so I could enjoy the present and the future. And I learned some hard lessons. But I'm putting my big girl panties on. I've decided that if I want to be more grown up, I have to act that way. And that means standing up for myself. That means treating me the way I deserve, rather than pushing me aside and letting other people do whatever they want and walk all over me. I'm not the same girl I was two years ago. I'm no where close to being the same girl I was six years ago. I realized that six years ago I let other people walk all over me and didn't do anything about it because I was scared. Now I'm letting two people walk all over me and I'm justifying it because I think it's the "right" thing to do. So I'm not going to justify it anymore. I won't tolerate it. Nobody else is going to stand up for me. So I'm going to have to do it myself.

Writing an Email

2012-01-12T09:00:00.000-05:00

I'm working on an email to my first father. Boy, this isn't easy. The way they stand right now is that we're emailing until this month when I'll let him know if things can go back to the way they were before. Which is what he wants. I know this because he told me so.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. And it's so hard. Because I miss him. Even though I know I deserve better. Even though I know having a secret relationship is hard. Even though I know it's hurting me in the long run and that it makes me unhappy. Even though things went south to the point I know I'll never be able to fully trust him again, not after him throwing me under the bus with such easy last month. Even after all that, I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss laughing with him. I miss the funny text messages. I miss having him in my corner. I miss the support. I even miss hearing about my first mother from him. It's strange. She wasn't always so nice to me, but he loves her. She's his best friend. And I love hearing about her through that lens. He describes her so differently and it makes me see her in a different light. It makes me see her as a good and kind person. I like seeing my mother that way. I've always loved her, and it was so hard to justify that after the way she treated me. I liked hearing about her from him because it made things easier. And I miss hearing about my sisters. I've always been torn about that, but I do miss it. But mostly I miss hearing from my biological father, the person who I'm so alike. It's hard.

But I can't abide by his rules. I can't only text him before noon. And only on days when he texts me first because his schedule keeps changing and I never know when he's working anymore. And I won't participate in a huge lie like this. It was different before. I wish I could put my finger on it and describe the difference but I can't. Maybe now because it's gone from a lie of omission to a real, honest-to-goodness lie. I don't really know.

In my heart of hearts, I know this is for the best for now. I know that asking for either all or nothing is a better solution to me. I'm an all or nothing sort of girl. I don't do things halfway. I either want everything or nothing in all aspects of my life. I may hem and haw for a while at first, but in the end once I make up my mind I go for it, whatever it's going to be. That's just who I am. My first father once described me as determined. When I want something, I don't stop until I have it. Only he said it in a more flattering way. He hit the nail on the head with one of my biggest flaws. I don't know when to stop sometimes. I think that this is my way of realizing that right now, I may need to stop. I can't make him tell people about me. I can't make him change. I can't change the situation without hurting a lot of people. And there isn't a clear answer here.

So I'm going to tell him that we can text and talk, but that I won't do it on a set schedule. I won't agree to only text on his days at work and while he's at work. I won't be a slave to the clock. It's not fair to me. So it's going to be up to him. And I already know what he's going to say. He won't be able to text me or talk to me if that's the case.

It's such a hard email to write. I want to make sure I'm clear and that I pick the right words. I don't want to come off like an angry crazy adoptee who's withdrawing. But I also don't want him to think that it's OK for him to make up rules that aren't fair to me. So we'll see how this all goes. Wish me luck!

Secret Relationship

2012-01-11T09:00:00.000-05:00

I have an aunt who always has a quote up her sleeve. It doesn't matter what the situation, she always has a quote that fits and gives good advice. She's the aunt I call when I'm having a bad day because she picks me back up again. She's been so good to me the last few months, becoming like a second mother to me as I've struggled with my own mother not being there for me due to her illness. And she's also the first person in my family outside of my parents I told about my reunion. She was so supportive. But she didn't like the situation I was in. The reason I know this? Some well meaning quotes were left where I could see them. Gifts turned into packets of quotes she thought I would like. When she knew I'd be visiting, she'd leave out scraps of paper where I could see them. Subtle? No. Effective? Yes. The one that clearly spoke to me was:

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

And you know what? That's a true story. My secret relationship with my first father feels wrong. It feels like I'm a little kid with my hand caught in the cookie jar. I feel like the other woman, which I can guarantee you is the oddest feeling when you're talking about your father. I deserve better than that.

The thing is, I'm an adult. I may not feel that way sometimes, but I've been an adult for a while. I make my own decisions and I don't need my first parents permission to do anything. They signed away their rights to make any sort of demands on me or have any sort of control over me as a person 24 years and 11 days ago.

I respect them as people. I wouldn't "out" myself to their two minor daughters because my sisters are their children and I respect that. But, that doesn't mean I don't have the right to contact anyone else, any other adult. There are no rules against it, no laws to stop one adult from contacting another for the first time. I'm not a stalker, I don't intend to harm anyone, and I have the right to contact someone I'm related to if that's what I want. I'm not saying I'd do it. I seriously doubt I would. But if I don't, it's because I made that decision, not my first parents.

And I'm not going to enter willingly into a relationship where I have to check the time before texting like a mistress or something. I'm sorry, but I deserve better. I get that he's in a bad situation. I don't know how he does it. Before, I would try to be mindful of the time. I tried not to text him on a day off. But he was the one texting me on his days off. He initiated it. I followed unspoken rules before to try to make things easier. But I won't follow dictated ones for the sake of making things easier for him when it comes to people who should already know about me.

It's not fair to me. It's not right. And I won't have anything to do with it. I won't be in a secret relationship like that. So I'm going to take my aunt's advice. I'm going to do what's best for me at this point. Here's a quote to leave you with:

If I don't see myself as a victim, then I'm not a victim.
~Noomi Rapace

What's OK To Blog About?

2012-01-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

Some interesting stuff has been going on in blogland. I wanted to write about it last week, but I hesitated because of some real world drama I was dealing with regarding this blog. But I think it's important to discuss.

The big question seems to be: what is it OK to blog about and what isn't? I don't have an answer for this question. I wish I did. It's not a land of black and white. It's a land filled with grays of every shade. It's a minefield and nobody it seems agrees on exactly what's OK and what crosses "the line". Because nobody really can say where that line is.

To me, adoption is very personal. It took a lot for me to open up about, and a lot to post about it on a public blog, because this is after all a public blog. I don't use real names, I keep things vague, and I don't post photographs of people. The photos that I post of myself are obscured to the point where I don't think you'd know it was me if you passed me on the street (big sunglasses anyone?). So I post publicly about a personal subject. What's fair game? It's something that I'm learning as time goes on.

My first parents don't know about this blog. I've tried to be respectful of their privacy here. I've never posted their pictures. I don't use their names. Most of the posts that reveal anything that's even close to a detail about this is located on a private blog. If one of my first parent's family members found this blog, I've done everything I can to make it so that they wouldn't be able to figure it out. I'm very careful of their privacy. But at the same time, I know it might make them feel uncomfortable to find out I was blogging about our reunion, especially my first mother who is very very private. Do I have a right to blog about what happened with her?

For me, I do think I can blog about it. I've really struggled with this however. I've questioned myself a lot about my motivations. But while I'm not perfect and sometimes I move things over to the private site, I continue to blog. It's my way of connecting with my larger community. I have connected with others who are able to help me understand what she's going through better. And I think it would be different if I used her name, if this blog was connected to me in real life, or if I was saying nasty things about her. But I try to be positive. I try to keep things neutral (though I know they aren't always). I don't call her names. I don't bash either of my first parents though sometimes I'd like to. This happened to me. I didn't have a say in it. And this is about my life and how I see it.

The thing is, adoption is a part of my life. But it's not my entire life. So sometimes I post about other things, things that aren't 100% adoption related. It happens. I'm a person, I'm human, and I want at times to show my readers that "Look! I'm a real boy!" kind of thing. I know I have a number of non-adopted readers here. Do you go out with your friends? I do to! Do you have family drama not related to adoption? I do to! Do you have trials in your life that aren't adoption related? Me too! Look! We're more alike than you think! I don't mean that meanly. It's my way of trying to connect. I hope I succeed, but I know that sometimes posts fall flat. For that, I'm sorry.

Joy had some great advice over on Joy's Division. Defiantly worth a read! Also, some other lovely ladies posted similar topics last week too... Suz at Writing My Wrongs and Lorraine on FMF. Check it out!

Decision Made About Sisters

2012-01-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

I know, I know...

I've been thinking a lot about my sisters. And how far I'm willing to go when it comes to them. I've gotten a lot of advice. There is a camp out there who thinks I should wait until they are older and then get in touch with them. This group says that the girls are young right now (14 and 17) and that I should give them some time to grow up a bit before I come charging into their lives. And there is another camp (slightly larger) that says I should do it now, because they are old enough, and they deserve to know about me. So I've been listening to each side, thinking about the options, and trying to figure out what to do.

And in this process, I started to think about what it would eventually look like after they know about me. And if they wanted anything to do with me. And no matter how hard I try, I don't see it ending all that well. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it could be wonderful. But we have some major obstacles in our way.

For starters, even if they were able to get past the fact they have a sister they never knew about, I could see it being a major challenge to build a relationship with me while still living at home. I don't have contact with our mother. She doesn't want to meet me, she doesn't even want to talk about me with my first father, so I don't see that changing any time soon. If my sisters wanted to discuss me with her, she wouldn't want to. It would hurt her. And I don't like the idea of my sisters being put in the middle.

Next up, we were raised very differently. And I think it would be very hard for them to understand that I wasn't giving a better life, just a different one. I know that from the outside my life at times looks perfect. My adoptive family works very hard on appearances. And I also know that I grew up "lucky". I didn't have a horrible childhood. But at the same time, who knows what my life could have been with my biological family? And honestly, I wish I had known them growing up. I struggle with identity, self-esteem, and relationships because of my adoption. To a sister who only sees the world in black and white, I can see this being a problem. I can see jealously in our future, on my part and on theirs. It's not something that we couldn't overcome, but it would be a major challenge.

Then we have the extended family problem. My first father does not think it would be a good idea for me to meet his family. Now, if you know me at all, you know that doesn't mean anything to me. If I want to get to know them, I'm going to. So that's not the issue. I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions Thank You Very Much. The issue is more that when my first father's family (and mine) finds out about me, there's going to be a lot of drama. And my sisters are going to have to deal with all of it. Which could cause further problems. And on my first mother's side, we have the grandparent issue. Because my grandparents were in a position to support her in keeping me and they didn't. They encouraged the adoption. But to my sisters, they were the best grandparents in the world. So I can see that being a major problem as well when dealing with people who are very focused on seeing the world in black and white. And I can see my sisters being defensive. Heck, I would be too if I were in that position.

Then again, all of these assumptions could be wrong. I could meet them, things could work themselves out, and in the end I could have a wonderful relationship with two more sisters. We don't share a history but if we could get over that, maybe we could share a future. However, nothing in either of my reunions went the way I had hoped for it to go. And I honestly can't see it happening, not without my first parents cooperation. Which I'm realizing the more time goes on, I'm not going to get.

I'm slowly getting used to the idea. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm letting it go. It's taken a lot for me to get to this place. But I'm working hard to grieve the loss of the fantasy and deal with my reality. Someday they will find out about me. And maybe we'll talk a few times, even meet a time or two. But that's probably all that will happen. And even that might not materialize. So I'm moving on. I'm accepting that this is the hand that was dealt to me.

I'm not going to "out" myself to my sisters. I don't see the point. I'm not really going to gain anything other than heartbreak. And I'm not ready for more heartbreak right now. It's going to take years before I'm in a place for that. So thank you to everyone who has supported me in this. It really means a lot to me.

I don't see myself as giving up, just realizing the reality of the situation and getting to a place where I'm ok with that. It's working well for now.

Special Sunday

2012-01-08T09:00:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a break from Picture Sundays. They'll be back in a few weeks. I haven't put away my camera by any means. It's just that I've been so busy taking photos of family events that I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and process them all. And there are a ton of photos of people and I don't want to post photos of people here (after all you don't know them so why would you want to see that?). I took a break for Christmas and New Year's Day because things were so crazy. But soon there won't be any more obstacles.

And next week I'm doing a book tour! We'll see how that one goes. I've been assigned the first day, which happens to fall on a Sunday. So I thought it would be a little pointless to bring back Picture Sunday after the short break just to not run it again next week.

I love my Picture Sunday's though. I enjoy going through my pictures during the week and figuring out which ones to post. I have a few new apps on my phone which I've been playing with (mixing black and white with color... it's an interesting concept). So I'm going to have some great photos to post soon. And I'm taking the break in these posts to really work on collections of stuff. I'm going to start naming the collections I post rather than sorting them by weeks. So the first few are going to be well thought out. Then knowing me they'll get a bit more scattered. Oh well!

Hope you all have a great week!

Trying to Figure Out What Next

2012-01-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my current situation. As a summary, my first father and I went from emailing/texting/talking/meeting up once in a while to emailing. And by emailing I mean he emails me once a week from his cell phone if I'm lucky. So it's a short email, but he does his best. Over vacation he emailed me two lines on Christmas and a few more on New Years. But other than that, things aren't what they used to be.

He ended our reunion except for occasional emails. I have that with my first mother. It's not going so hot with her right now. I don't know what happened but all the progress I thought we'd made ended at the end of September. So I don't have a lot of hope for an occasional email relationship. And then a week later, he changed his mind and said we could go back to the way things were, just with some new rules, like I could only text him when he's at work. I responded back that I needed some time to think things over and wanted to stick with just emails. I told him I'd get back to him in January. It's now a week into January and I know he thinks I have an answer for him. I think I have another few weeks to make up my mind.

In his email this week, he said that he's glad I'm happy (my emails to him are upbeat while I try to figure things out) and that he's sorry again for what happened "before". And that he hopes things can get back to the way they were.

And that's the thing. I don't want them back the way they were before. I'm tired of being a secret. I don't want to have a relationship with a parent that's defined by rules. I don't want to have to check the clock to see if it's appropriate to text him (because I couldn't text him after noon). I don't think I could handle it again if he tried to put the blame on me if something went wrong. My aunt's favorite saying is true: If something feels wrong, it probably is. I deserve better than to be someone's secret shame. I have nothing to be ashamed of. And he made it very clear where I stand in everything. I don't want to risk getting hurt like that again.

This has been coming for a long time. I was going to wait until the end of the month, but I don't think I will now that he's brought it up. So I'm starting to work on an email to him this week. I'm going to let him know that I want to have a relationship with him as he is my biological father, but I'm not willing to have a relationship with someone who isn't willing to be honest about who I am. So when he's ready to not hide me anymore, I'm willing to work through things. But until then, I'd prefer to focus on my life with people who aren't ashamed of me and what I represent.

Nobody else is going to stand up for me. I'm the only one who can. And honestly, after the first few weeks (which were really hard), it's gotten easier and easier not to check for messages. And I've been thinking about it less. I've had more time to concentrate on other things. And I've had more time to focus on being happy. So while this is going to be hard, I know that I'm going to survive it. And I know that it isn't forever. Eventually he'll tell my sisters about me. I doubt I'll have a relationship with them, but it will at least make it so that I don't need to be hidden away anymore. And then the option is there. We'll see.

Today's the day my parents brought me home. It's the day "we became a family". In my house, it's just my "special day". I don't see it as the day I was separated from my first parents. That day was my birthday. My first parents signed their rights away on New Years Eve of 1987. What a great way to start over. Lovely. Instead, I really do see it as a day I gained a family to replace the one I had already lost. I'm spending today with my family. The ones who love me, care about me, and aren't ashamed of me. I deserve at least that.

Extended First Family

2012-01-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

My Family Tree is a bit bare...

I've been thinking a lot lately about my extended first family. I don't know why, but I have them stuck in my head these last few days. I think that a part of it has to do with the fact that my maternal grandfather's birthday just past. The first one. My first parents signed my relinquishment papers on his birthday. What a great gift to him! Actually, I don't know if it was a gift or not. He's the grandparent who puzzles me most about this whole thing.

My paternal grandmother wouldn't have approved of my adoption. We all know it. That's why she doesn't know about me. I was going to clue her in, but she's not well according to my first father. So even if I do tell her, she probably won't remember it. It's selfish, but I don't think I can handle one more person with serious brain issues in my life. So I'm not going to "out" myself to her. It would just cause more harm than good at this point. If my first father wants to come clean to her, he's going to have to do it himself.

My paternal grandfather wouldn't have approved either. I just get the sense that he wasn't the kind of guy who would be ok with his family being raised by someone else. He wasn't the most traditional kind of guy. He had two kids with one woman, got divorced, and had a companion for the rest of his life, who he never lived with (my grandmother), and had two kids with her. So not the most traditional guy. I don't think he would have cared that I was born out of wedlock. We'll never know. He passed away four years ago.

My maternal grandmother did not approve of me. Apparently I caused a lot of issues between my first mother and her. That's one of the reasons why my first mother doesn't want to tell her parents that I'm back in touch. Because it will bring up old problems. I got the feeling that she pushed for my adoption. My first mother had already made up her mind, but she wouldn't have been able to change it with my grandmother pushing her once she knew about me. What would the neighbors think?

My maternal grandfather, I just don't know about. He was with my grandmother. He knew about me. But after all the conversations with both first parents, he'd be thrilled if I got back in touch. No, he didn't fight for me. No, he didn't tell anyone about me. But he'd be happy now. This leads me to think that maybe he wasn't really ok with it back then. Then again, I won't know unless I meet him. And he's the one that I want to meet. It's weird, but I went into a similar profession as him. We're both engineers. And in all the photos I have of him, he's smiling. He looks like the kind of grandfather any girl would want. I know he has a temper. I've been told stories about it. But nobody's perfect. But then again, he might have pushed my first mother to give me up. What kind of person doesn't support their daughter to keep their child? I was his granddaughter. But I know I don't know the whole story here. I'm trying not the judge, but I really don't know.

As for the rest of them, my first father's family I've been warned about. They don't seem like the kind of people I'd want to meet. Or maybe they are and words have been twisted. Who knows. My first mother's family is her brother. Who knows about me. Who I want to meet. He's a computer scientist, which is a parallel field to mine.

I have about nineteen cousins floating around out there. Some are older than my first parents. Most have their own children at this point. Out of the nineteen, I'm sure there's someone I would like. I mean, who knows how many first cousins I have? But it would take so much to get to know them. And most of them live in Georgia. And there would be lots of drama.

I'm curious. I'll admit that. I want to know them. I want to feel like I know my biological family. But I don't know if I can deal with the rejection that is sure to come from some of them. Or the drama it's sure to dredge up. Or the fact that I will most certainly be put in the middle. So I don't know.

I probably won't ever meet my biological grandmother on my first father's side. That side of the family may be lost to me forever. But who knows about the maternal side? I don't know if it would be worth it. Ugh.

Different Sides of Me

2012-01-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

It's me!

There are so many different sides of me as a person. It really all depends on my mood.

Some days I'm a happy person. I can't stop smiling and I love to laugh. I crack jokes that really aren't that funny, but the right people laugh anyway because I tried. Simple things amuse me and I feel high on life. These days often involve music, lots of music. And dancing. And photos. And people.

Some days, I'm a thoughtful person. These are days when I tend to be productive blogging. I like to think things through. I like to plan. I'm careful, methodical, and I pay attention to detail. If I have a problem, I'll plan out several scenarios. I want to know my options. I come up with creative solutions. I discuss with others who know more than I do. I research. My computer is my friend. I'm quiet, lost in thought.

Other days I'm sad. I'm grieving the loss of the mother I knew. I'm learning to live with my family again. I'm missing my partner and the ease we had in college seeing each other every day. I check my phone for messages every half hour. I look for distractions. I watch a lot of TV, read books, and sometimes I even try working out.

Then there are the days when I'm hyper. I exercise and feel good afterward. I organize. Closets get cleaned out, laundry gets done, and to-do lists are made. I shop for things I need, spend money I shouldn't, and often walk away with something I really should return. I bounce off walls, I talk on the phone, and I do way too much at once. Sometimes I'm productive, sometimes I'm not. I lose my focus, but can often gain it back. I eat sugar on those days. It's probably not a good idea.

Let's not forget when I'm in my control mode. I am a go-getter. I make things happen. I take a crappy situation, find a solution, and go for it. I thrive off actions. I'm productive. I explain to people what they need to do to get things done. I take complete charge.

And sometimes, just sometimes, I'm just me. I'm the girl who takes care of everyone else but just wants someone to take care of me. I'm the girl who spends a vacation planning another vacation, only the next one is with a special someone. I'm the girl who loves Dunkin Donut's Raspberry Iced Tea. I'm the girl who lives to dance and laugh, letting the music take over. I love my family, enjoy my friends, and adore my dog.

I am all of these things, all of these sides of my personality. My personality at times can be like New England weather. If you don't like it, wait until tomorrow; it will change.

Disney Vacation Booked!

2012-01-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

My vacation is officially booked. I can't wait for May to hurry up and get here so I can go to Disney already! It's going to be a lot of fun. I can tell already!

Funny vacation planning story. So I was going to book it a few times, but I wanted Rudy to look everything over. If I made a mistake somehow, I didn't want to be blamed. Not that Rudy would blame me for something like that. But his parents might. So I wanted to cover my bases. We have really bad luck with stuff like this. So I went over everything before I clicked "Make a Reservation" and then again before I clicked "Confirm". He approved everything and we made a few decisions together. Booked the trip, end of story right?

Turns out we booked over Mother's Day weekend. Whoops! What a disaster... So first thing the next day Rudy had to call up the nice Disney people and ask them to switch some things around. What a great way to start a vacation! Thank goodness he called when he did. He called before the airport got our reservations from Disney. They hadn't processed it yet. So we didn't have to pay a change fee, just a difference in flight prices, which wasn't that much. So now we're booked for the right week. I'll miss my parents anniversary, but I don't think they care about that. Mother's Day was way more important!

So we're going. And it will be amazing. And I bought insurance just in case... I feel like such a responsible adult now... That is, a responsible adult going to a children's theme park. Hehe!

Vacation Recap

2012-01-03T08:23:00.001-05:00

I need a vacation from my vacation! I got a lot accomplished, but not nearly enough. I did however watch lots of TV. While a part of me thinks "What a waste of a week" another part of me is happy I got to relax. I saw lots of friends, loads of family, and had a great time overall. I even took a trip to Connecticut to see Rudy which is a coin toss. This time it was a fantastic visit, even though the air mattress I was sleeping on got a hole in it so I woke up in the middle of my last night on the floor. Oh well!

Rudy and I made a game time decision and decided not to go to Times Square. Instead, we sat around watching TV and movies all day in our PJs. I can now say I've seen three of the four Die Hard movies (Live Free or Die Hard is still on my list). Thanks to a new Netflix account I now have a way of slowly getting through my list of movies. We also discovered Storage Wars. It's pretty epic. Though I do think it would be weird to go through someone else's stuff like that after buying a storage locker. I can't get over it. If you have something of major value in your storage locker and you were falling behind in your payments, why wouldn't you sell something to come up with the money to pay for it? I've only seen a few episodes but one locker contained items estimated at $90,000. That's a lot of money!

My friends and I had some great times too. We went out a few times and hung out like we used to before we all had jobs. What a nice life we all had back then! One of my friends got great news this break too. She not only got the job she applied for (how exciting!) but her boyfriend passed a major test and is able to move forward with his career. So it was a good vacation for her. My other friend started a new job after two years of searching. While it's hard to be the new girl, she's adjusting well and finally doing what she went to school for. So it was fantastic to see her and hear all about it.

We had a bunch of family parties this break too. I saw the majority of my cousins (which is no small task as I have 27 of them...), aunts, uncles, and grandparents. Next weekend I have another family party as three of my cousins will be playing in the same high school hockey game (on different teams no less!). So there's been loads of extended family time. Which is fun. I'm sure after next weekend though I'll need a break!

Back to work and back to normal life I guess. Did everyone have a great holiday season?

Goals For 2012

2012-01-01T09:00:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year Everyone!

In honor of the New Year, I'm going to post some goals for 2012. I never seem to do well with resolutions, so instead I'm going to post goals for the year and see how many of them I can make come true! I know it's going to be a great year. For starters, my favorite number is 12, so bring it on 20-12! So here are my goals in no particular order.

Read at least one book a month
Take my cousins to the movies just because
Do yoga at least three times a week
Comment on each blog that I follow at least once a month
Meet my first mother
Clean out my closet, including the back shelves
Go on an amazing vacation
Learn to cook three dinner dishes really well
Learn two new skills
Post several book reviews on the blog
Relax more
Be more creative with my photography
Visit a new place I've never been to
Meet new people and make new friends
Go out on the town one night I feel like staying in
Volunteer at a soup kitchen
Pay off at least half of my loans
Get an apartment
Learn the names of the people who sit around me at work
Live life to the fullest

I'm going to do my hardest to work at all of these goals. Some are a lot easier than others! I've read four books this month, so I'm not worried about that goal. Other things I can easily get done once and cross them off the list. Other things are going to take some persistence (like commenting on blogs and doing yoga). Others are more of a mindset, like learning to relax and living life to the fullest. However, I believe in myself so I'm going to give it my all!

So here's to 2012! May you best the best year ever!

Things To Look Forward To

2011-12-31T09:00:00.000-05:00

While 2011 was an interesting year, 2012 is right around the corner and I'm so looking forward to it! 2012 is going to be a fantastic year for me, I can just tell!

For starters, I have some amazing concerts coming up. I'm going to see Blake Shelton with my sister and cousins in a few months. I have a mini-crush (ok, maybe not so mini) and I can't wait to see him in person. I love his music and I can't wait to see him sing "Honeybee" in person. In the spring, I'm going with one of my best friends to see Lady Antebellum (for the third time!) and Darius Rucker (who is my second favorite singer these days). We're going to celebrate my friend's birthday and her graduation. We both love country music and those artists, so I can't wait to enjoy a fun concert with her!

My two closest friends will be returning to the US after living in Africa. Both ladies will be home around the summertime. I can't wait to have them home! I hate hearing stories about civil unrest and running to the computer to see how far away it is from both of them. And one friend in particular has gotten sick over there a few times and that's a really scary thing. So I can't wait until they both come home! I'm so happy that they are having a great time and learning great things, but coming home is fun too.

It's time for me to get my own place. I'm going to start looking for an apartment in the spring. I'll have been home for a year and paid off a good portion of my loans. So I think it's time for me to think about moving out on my own to start my own life. I love my parents. They are awesome. Sure, the Grinch has been a major pain in my ass the last few months, but he's my dad so I'll always love him. He means well most of the time. And my mom is amazing. She's a saint. And my sister and I are starting to get along better. But never the less, I need to start my own life and learn to take care of myself. So I'll be moving on, while staying close enough to home that I can still visit whenever I want.

The Adoptee Rights Convention is going to be in Chicago in 2012. I'm determined to be in attendance! Unfortunately San Antonio didn't work out. But Chicago is much more manageable and because I know about it a long time in advance, I've already starting putting money aside for it. I can't wait to meet some of the wonderful people I've met online in person and to move from just being an e-activist to working towards equal rights for adoptees in person.

There's got to be a lot of stuff that I'm missing, but these are the big things that jump out at me. You never know what the year will bring! So here's to a fantastic and hopeful 2012!

2011: A Year In Review

2011-12-30T09:00:00.001-05:00

Looking back on the year 2011, it was a big year. It was filled with hidden joys, big challenges, and several life changing events.

In the month of January, I started blogging. It was something that I wanted to try for a long time but it wasn't until January that I took that plunge. This was also the month when I reached out to my first mother to try to start over, and was then ignored. And I started my last semester of college. We can't forget that one!

In February, I planned my first face to face. I put together a book with all my emails and everything I knew about my first parents.

March was a fun month and a life changing one. At the beginning of the month, I met my first father for the first time. It was the first time I've met someone I'm biologically related to. It was the first time I saw myself reflected in someone else. Talk about unsettling! As if that wasn't enough, my mom and I went on vacation together to Punta Cana. We had the best time and I know it's something that I'm always going to look back on and smile. What a busy month!

April was hard. For starters, my sister and I got into a huge fight. She wasn't supportive of me meeting my first father and was hurt that I hadn't told her sooner. Then life changed completely when we learned that my mother had another brain tumor, only this time looked different from her last time. I moved home the last week of the month.

May got harder. My mother had four brain surgeries in three weeks. She was diagnosed with brain cancer and her tumor was deemed inoperable. I met my first father again, and this time went a little better. We actually relaxed and had fun hanging out. And then I graduated college with my bachelor and masters degrees, an event that my parents watched on a laptop in the ICU back in Boston.

June rolled around and my mom started her chemotherapy and radiation. My life became all about my mother as I tried to adjust to living at home. Lost Daughters started. I saw Taylor Swift with my cousin, a girl who is like a sister to me.

July saw the end of radiation for my mom and a break in chemotherapy. I got a job offer which I accepted and my mom and I went on vacation for a week on Cape Cod. It was my last month of freedom before starting my job. My first father started texting me, something that we hadn't really done before.

August started with my job. Literally, my first day was August 1st. It was a huge adjustment for me. My first father started a short trend of sending me videos from his new phone. Various summer fun was had by me and my boyfriend on the weekends. August was anything but a lazy summer.

September rolled around and I got a new computer and a new phone in the same week. I settled into work and my boyfriend started his job (so started spending less time with me). I jumped on Twitter and tried to improve my blog. I decided to be more open in my life about my reunion and stop treating it like a huge secret.

October brought more changes. I started my Picture Sunday postings. My attempt to be more open blew up in my face. Steve Jobs died, and the Internet blew up with adoption stories. My mother spent another week in the hospital. My first father came up to visit me on my birthday and told me that he was thinking about telling my first sisters about me.

November was hard. My first father told me he wasn't ready to tell my first sisters, which I was OK with because of the other insanity going on in my life. I bought a new camera. My cousin got married and my entire adoptive family got together to celebrate. I had my high school reunion. I nearly moved out of my house. I sent my first father a text message that was spotted by my older kept sister.

December brought more changes. My first father ended our reunion, except for an occasional email. He changed his mind a week later after talking to my first mother who stood up for me. I opted not to continue with reunion under his new rules, but to get back in touch in the new year. I prepared for Christmas by myself. The year came to a close.

What a year... It feels like January was a lifetime ago!

Another Letter

2011-12-29T09:00:00.000-05:00

Dear KungFuPanda,

First of all, congratulations! I'm so excited that you've been accepted into college and that you received a scholarship! It's an amazing accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself. I've heard it all through the grapevine and there's nothing I want more than to share in this joy with you. But since I cannot, I'm writing you a letter on a public blog instead.

I have some sisterly advice for you when it comes to college. Take what you can from it and throw out the rest. Which oddly how you should take all advice... Back to the point!

College is different than high school. You're parents aren't going to be around. You're truly on your own. You have your friends, but you probably won't know many people at first. It's scary to face a room full of people and to not know anyone. But remember that they are scared too. They don't know anyone either. So be open. Be friendly. And you'll find your friends. Sometimes all it takes is a smile and a kind word. You'll quickly find that your friends become your family in college. Be good to them and they'll be good to you.

You're going to have a lot of time on your hands. More time than you've ever had before. You no longer are sitting in a classroom from eight until two every day. You probably only have about fifteen hours of class a week. Use that extra time wisely. I don't mean lock yourself up in the library either. Sometimes the best things that you can learn in college are discovered by getting out there and meeting new people. Join a club you never would have considered in high school. Attend a religious ceremony for a religion you know nothing about (try to find a friend to go with though so they can explain it to you). Volunteer. Play video games with the kid down the hall. Learn about life. Study so you do well in your classes.

Now for the not so much fun stuff. Be careful. Be safe. Not everybody you meet is going to be a good person. So you're going to need to exercise some judgement and have some common sense. If you go out with your girlfriends, come home with your girlfriends. Keep your cell phone with you at all times and make sure you charge it before you go out. Always have an emergency $20 for a cab in case you need it. Learn your school's safety system and put the number for the college police in your cell phone. You've probably been told this a million times, but it's worth being said again. Watch your drink. Watch it while the bartender is pouring it. If you put it down and walk away, get a new drink. Know your limits and stick to them. Water in a red solo cup is a great way to stop people from bugging you to drink more. It's better to be prepared and not need it than to be unprepared and get yourself accidentally in trouble. You're smart. I know you have the tools to keep yourself safe.

You're a bright girl. You're going to go far. It may seem scary at first and out of reach, but I know that you can accomplish anything you set your mind too. And trust me, these next four years are going to fly by. You'll look back someday and wonder where your college years went. So live in the moment. Have fun! You've got a big sister out there somewhere who's silently supporting and praying for you. You can do this kid!

Your big sister,

Disney Planning

2011-12-28T09:00:00.001-05:00

Things have been a little bit hectic this past year. There were a lot of changes in my life, a lot of challenges I never thought I'd have to face, and a lot of hurdles that I'm still trying to get past. Life threw up some serious road blocks! Some of those challenges are ongoing, but I find that the best way to deal with a dark time is to plan for the future. So planning for the future I'm going to do!

When I was five, my family took a vacation to Disney World. I was in my element! As a Cinderella OBSESSED little girl, seeing the castle, just like it looked in the movie, was a dream come true. I hate the movie Dumbo, but I loved the ride. I had seen so many TV shows with the Dumbo ride, my friends had all been on it, and I just had to ride it. So that was another dream come true after waiting for over an hour in line. It was a magical vacation, for me anyway. However, we went during April Vacation week and the park was packed! Plus our travel group consisted of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. And traveling with fourteen people isn't the most relaxing way to have a vacation. Thus, at the end of the trip the Grinch declared he was never going back. We begged. We pleaded. It didn't matter; we never went back.

Rudy and I decided that we are going to go away on vacation this spring. In the past we've gone away to a tropical island (my idea of a fantastic vacation) but Rudy asked to do something a bit more exciting this year. He's been all over the country and seen almost everything there is to see while I've barely left New England. We tossed around a few ideas and when I tentatively suggested maybe Disney would be fun, Rudy was so excited we realized we had to go. Why was Rudy, the person who's been there a large number of times, so excited to go? Because he knew that I'm essentially like a first-timer. I don't remember anything other than the Dumbo ride and "It's a Small World". So going with me is like seeing the magic again for the first time. I. Can't. Wait.

So I'm planning our vacation now. I've been told to plan six months in advance, so I'm going to do my best to plan it all out now. I have the time, so I'm looking into the best deals, figuring out where to stay, and trying to get a good price on flights. I've been doing research into what week to go, and where to stay. Rudy had one place to cross off the list. He's stayed at that hotel three times. The first time, his brother got the flu for the whole week (the flu while at Disney? What a nightmare!). The second time Rudy broke his hand (his brother was involved that time too... hmmm). And the third time, after being there for one day they got the call that Rudy's grandfather had died and they had to fly home.

We also made a list of all the things that we really wanted to do. We can't do all the parks in one week, so we're going to have to spend our time wisely. Because I've never done a lot of the rides (five was too young for thrilling rides) I made a list and Rudy and I broke them down into parks. Plus we both really want to do the Harry Potter theme park (that's a first for both of us!). I'm so excited!

I feel like a little kid again! Wish me luck in my planning adventures!

Boy Drama

2011-12-27T09:00:00.001-05:00

So Rudy and I had a rough month. The distance thing is awful. We never planned on spending this much time away from each other after graduation. We figured we'd have more freedom when we weren't tied down to getting our degrees. We both stayed at school for an extra year for our masters and graduated at the same time. We're both finished with our education unless I decide to go back someday (unlikely). I was going to try to stay there for a year while he worked toward his CPA licence. Then we were going to move together up near my family. God's cracking up at our plans right now! A pesky brain tumor wormed its way into the best laid plans and boom! I'm home taking care of my sick mommy and Rudy's stuck in another state trying to get his licence and working for a company I'm starting to view as the Evil Empire.

Long distance relationships are hard. They aren't for the weak. You have to trust the other person 100% in order for it to work. I had a friend point out once that Rudy could be doing whatever he wanted because I'd have no way of knowing. A) My boyfriend isn't like that and B) I'd know. That's the benefit of having loads of friends down there. One of them would slip. Something would come out. And Rudy's either at work, talking to me on the phone, or with his family. And we see each other nearly every weekend. So in that sense I do trust him 100%. You also have to know when it's going to be over. You have to have a time in mind when you aren't going to be long distance and you're going to start being in a "normal" relationship. Long distance isn't a permanent thing, at least not in my mind. It's temporary. So you have to have a rough idea as to when. Rudy and I are having issues with that. His job makes it nearly impossible for him to move, or have an idea as to when he's going to move. He can either quit his job in a year and risk not being hired by someone else (he'd be short his licence) or he can wait it out a lot longer than we had planned and move up here in two years. Two years, after already being apart for a half of a year, is a lot longer than we thought. I can't move. It's not an option with my mom being the way that she is. So we're at a standstill. I'm not 100% sure of how things are going to work out.

At the same time, I know that he's the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. We've been together coming up on five and a half years. I know him backwards and forwards. I can tell when he's annoyed with me. I can tell when he's trying not to laugh and failing. I can tell when he's sad. I can tell when he's thrilled. I can tell when he's frustrated at the situation too. These are all things I can pick up over the phone. I've gotten so good at reading him because that's our major form of communication. I know him backward and forward and I know who he is. I know the essential parts of Rudy. He's my other half. He's my best friend. He's the person first think of in the morning, and the last person I think of as I'm falling asleep.

So we're starting to plan for our future together. Because if we don't, I'm going to lose my mind. First step, plan a vacation for next year. After all our time apart, we need some time together just the two of us. I can't wait!

Goals for the Week

2011-12-26T09:00:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Today continues my vacation that I started last Friday. Thanks to my company giving us all some time off (Friday and today, plus the Monday after New Years) and my remaining vacation time, I'm able to enjoy this whole week off (which turned out to be 11 days). So ten points to me! I have a few goals for this very busy week.

My first goal is to clean out the trunk of my car. It's full right now. Mostly with jackets, shoes, and books. So I need to bring in all the jackets and hang them in the closet, put the shoes away in the bin under my bed, and get the books back into the bookcase. That's the plan for today. I know I can get it done!

My next goal is to order my new dresser. My dad took my old one for the guest bedroom and promised to buy me a new one, one that I can take with me when I move. So I picked out the one I want, I just need to order it online using my dad's credit card. That's another goal that I think I can accomplish today. I'm determined.

I'm pretty sure I can get both of these things done in time to go visit with an old friend. She was my neighbor growing up (and my mentor's daughter). I was the flower girl in her wedding. Her oldest daughter just got into college this month (and is the same age as KungFuPanda). I didn't know this until recently, but her husband is an adoptee. Go figure... We've been trying to meet up forever but it just hasn't worked out. Seeing her is a top goal for the week!

Tomorrow I have the annual Christmas party for my mom's side of the family. The kids do a gift grab and the adults do a Yankee Swap. It's pretty funny. One of my uncle's in notorious for stopping somewhere to get a gift card on the way to the party where the rest of us plan for weeks as to what to get. Naturally everyone wants the gift card he buys and his gift is the most popular swapped item. Nice...

Wednesday is my "down day". My mom had a baby book that she made for me. It's all about my adoption with cute baby pictures of me. I have mixed feelings about it. Some of the language isn't so great to deal with but at the same time, it's a part of my history. My mom used to read it to me as a bedtime story. A few years ago the pages started to yellow so my mom ripped it apart to save the pictures. She promised to put it back together again but never got around to it. I found a few websites that will let me put it back together again as long as I scan the photos. No more yellow pages! So the goal for Wednesday is to put the book back together again online and order it. My mom is going to help me so it should be a lot of fun to spend some time with her.

Thursday I will probably go to Connecticut to spend some time with my "school" family. It ought to be a fun time. I'm planning on celebrating New Years in Times Square (I'm crazy I know) and coming home Sunday night. That leaves Monday to finish anything that I didn't get done over the week. It's not much of a vacation (though the weekend will be) but I put so much off for "when I have time" that I really need to get done this week to start the year off right!

Wish me luck! I'm going to need it...

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T09:00:00.000-05:00

I wanted to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas! I hope that you are all having a wonderful day with your families if you celebrate, and a wonderful day doing something you love if you don't. I hope for my Jewish readers out there that you are enjoying your Hanukkah this holiday season. I hope for all my Kwanzaa celebrating readers out there that you enjoy your holiday traditions tomorrow and for the rest of the week. If you don't celebrate any of these holidays, then I wish you a good close to the year 2011 and hopeful anticipation for the year 2012!

More pictures to come next week. For now I'm spending the holiday with my family and friends and enjoying the day.

Merry Christmas

Joyeux Noël

Feliz Natal

(How cool that now I know my ancestry and can wish you all a Merry Christmas in all the right languages?)

This Christmas...

2011-12-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

This year is different. I'm not vacuuming in anticipation of twenty plus people coming to our home. I'm not spreading the table cloths over the dining room table, the one time a year it gets used. I'm not frantically wrapping gifts before everyone gets to my house. And I'm not trying to get it all done in time to change just before heading to Church an hour early so we can get seats together. Instead, I'm relaxing at home with my family. I'll still make it to Church, but not an hour early because it's just me and my grandmother this year. Afterwards I'll come home, we'll have a nice dinner, and we'll end up just spending time together as a family. It's actually going to be pretty nice.

Rather than focusing on the entertaining part of it all, we're focusing on spending time as a family this year. Christmas this year isn't about the presents, the decorations, the holiday music, any of that. It's instead about spending time with the people we love and enjoying the time that we have together. Who knows what next Christmas will bring. So for now, I'm going to enjoy this year. There's nothing wrong with how we used to celebrate, but this year I think it means a little bit more.

Sometimes I think we all get so caught up in the holiday season that we forget what it's really all about. I'm the biggest offender of this. So it doesn't surprise me that life found a way to smack me in the face to get me to wake up. I spent more time this year thinking of others. When people asked about my Christmas list, I told them what I was doing for my family and friends, rather than what I wanted people to give me. It's just a difference I've noticed when I compare this year to last.

So as I sit here, looking at our amazing tree (which my sister picked out and decorated), I am thankful for the time that I do have with my family. I'm thankful for being here with the people I love. I miss the ones who aren't here, and I always will. But I'm going to enjoy the holiday for what it is, a gift. Because who knows what next year will bring. So I'm going to enjoy today and tomorrow and worry about that another day.

So I wish all of you a wonderful holiday season this year. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Solstice, and Joyous Kwanzaa. And Happy New Year too!

I Love The Internet

2011-12-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

The Internet lets me share things
like this

What would be do with the Internet? Seriously! A random statement, I know, but I swear I have a point here. Music has always been a huge part of my life. It's something that has gotten me through a lot, and will help me get through the challenges that I've been facing lately. When I say music has been a huge part of my life, I should clarify. I've been dancing since I was two. At the time of writing this post, I'm twenty-four... (wow, just got distracted by the fact I'm an adult!). I've been dancing for twenty-two years. That's almost 92% of my life. If I was still in school, I'd know that's an A-, a pretty big deal. Without music, I couldn't dance (and trip over my own feet). So it's been super important.

Before the Internet, I would listen to tapes and CDs. My parents were really into tapes, so I used to have a tape player. Then when CD players became popular, I asked for CDs but my parents didn't really trust them. And they were expensive! So most of the time, I was limited to radio. Don't get me wrong. I love the radio. It's fantastic. I have my favorite stations. But sometimes you just want to hear that ONE song that you know is going to turn your day around. Before I had nothing.

Now, I have YouTube! I want to hear Brown Eyed Girl and I don't have my iPod, I just plug it into YouTube and I can hear several different versions (which I don't really care about because we all know the original is the best). And I'm instantly in a good mood.

But sometimes I'm not in the mood to just hear a specific song. And while I now have all my music on my magical cell phone, sometimes I just want to hear something different. So I recently jumped on the Pandora Radio bandwagon. I went there. It's amazing! I love how it seems to read my mind and send me songs that I've never heard before but LOVE all while mixing in some old favorites and current hits. Plus I'm one of those weird people who use too much data for the smaller data plan but comes no where close to the limit of data I pay for. So I love listening to my Pandora Radio to up my data out of principle. Yeah, I'm odd like that.

I have a few other Internet loves. I recently was invited to Pinterest and I'm obsessed! I'm totally loving it and it's a new distraction when I don't have anything going on and need to relax. I have a board that's filled with beach pictures, and it's my new relaxing board for when I need to take a chill pill. I love it! I'm also actually liking the new Twitter (didn't think I would at first), and I switched to Timeline on Facebook the minute I could so I'm not phased by it.

And my number one reason to be thankful for the Internet? My Internet peeps! Between blogging, my support forum, my new friends on Facebook, and all that other goodness, I've found a way to connect to so many people who are going through similar things. There's nothing sweeter...

Found: First Thoughts

2011-12-22T09:00:00.002-05:00

I recently finished reading Jennifer Lauck's Found for the book tour. I'm going to save a lot about this for the book tour post, which will be coming in January. But there are a few things that I wanted to say first.

For starters, I couldn't make it through the first chapter without crying. Yes, I went there. I had to put the book down and I'll admit to not picking it up again for several weeks. It was amazing to read, but so hard to get through because I haven't met my first mother and understood exactly what Ms. Lauck was talking about in terms of a lack of connection.

Then all the drama happened with my first father. And as far as I was concerned, my reunion was over. I was devastated. I considered dropping out of the book tour. It was too hard. It was too much. But something made me stop from sending that email and waiting a few days. I had training at work the next week and due to the location of the training, I was on my own for lunch. So I threw Found in my bag and figured if I had time, I'd do some reading and give it a try. If it didn't work out, it didn't work out.

I spent the next few days with my nose buried in those pages during my lunch breaks and after work. I read the book in three days in my spare time. I had to put it down a few times and walk away, but I couldn't stay away. There were several parts where I swear it was like Ms. Lauck was in my head and had read my innermost thoughts. I understood so much of this book because I felt some of those same emotions.

I had it easy compared to Ms. Lauck, but the basic feelings of abandonment, the need to know the past, and the feeling of constantly searching for something more are things that I fight with everyday. I belong to a forum of mostly adult adoptees (though we do have several other members of the so called triad on there, as well as a few others). I love that forum for the same reason that I loved this book. The act of hearing other stories and thoughts of others who are adopted makes me feel less alone. We're all in this together in a way. We support each other, get each other through. By reading books like Found and others, we realize that we aren't alone. We aren't fighting this battle alone. There are others fighting it with us.

No two adoptees feel the same way about adoption. And we all have different stories. We have different experiences. But sometimes, we find someone who we can relate to. I can't wait for January now!

Learning to Relax Again

2011-12-21T09:00:00.001-05:00

I've tried this before and failed miserably, but I'm deciding that I'm going to be happy from here on out. I'm going to work harder at getting to a better place than I'm at right now. I'm determined to do it. I can't keep living like this, and I'm going to deal with it and move on. So I'm going to try to stay positive, and make some changes in my life to reduce my stress. I've been browsing around on the web looking for tips and I figured I'd share some of the things I've been doing in my life in an effort to feel better.

Deep Breathing
Megan over at Earth Stains posted this gem a few months back. I've been practicing and oh boy does it help a lot! This method of deep breathing is something that I can do anywhere. When I feel particularly stressed, I start a cycle of this at my desk. I close all the windows on my computer (leaving only the relaxing background), relax my muscles, focus my eyes on a blank wall in my cube (if I'm not at my desk I close my eyes), and focus on my breathing as I recite the numbers in my head. I block everything else out other than my breathing to the count. It's so soothing and it helps me to calm down. I've learned that deep breathing is a great way to relax and to relieve anxiety. I highly recommend you check it out.

Organized To-Do List
I've been learning how to better organize my to-do list. I wish I still had all the wonderful links but I have yet to organize enough to keep track of them! Basically, it's helpful to keep things written down. It lessens my anxiety and gives me a place to look when I need to figure out what I should be doing. I tend to let things stack up and then I worry about them. By making a to-do list, I'm able to stop worrying about forgetting to do something. Everything I need is on my list you see... But a to-do list isn't good enough to cut it for me. It has to be organized. Some tips include making things specific (rather than writing "Do Christmas Shopping" I wrote "Go to CVS Saturday to purchase doll for Katie"), organize them by priority (things with higher priority go near the top so I don't loose them in the list), keep separate lists for short term vs long term (certain items are long term goals and I don't want them cluttering up my list everyday), and make sure items move on the list (the point of the list is to get things done; therefore I expect myself to finish at least three things per day and to add new ones as they come up). Microsoft OneNote has really helped me to work on this goal and it's helped me to be more successful and productive lately. It's also decreased my anxiety level because I keep a separate list of everything I've accomplished in the past week so I can feel proud of my accomplishments and feel like the list isn't a mountain to climb over.

Headphones
My desk at work isn't in the most ideal place. It's across from the office printer. That's right folks. Every time someone in our department of about seventy-five people prints something, I sit there and listen to the printer. It's annoying. And then they walk over to get their printed paper. And sometimes they bring a friend. And they talk. It's maddening. So I brought my noise reducing headphones to work and put all my music on my phone. And so the music helped. But I found that I got distracted by it sometimes. And I don't always have relaxing music on my phone. Then I realized that I have a white noise app on my phone that has the sounds of waves crashing on the beach! The beach is my happy place, and where I feel most relaxed. Now I listen to the ocean while I'm at work. I still hear the printer in the background, but the sounds in my headphones help to relieve some of the stress and keep me focused.

Screen Brightness
I lowered the brightness of all my computer screens (yes, I have more than one). I don't need to be looking at a glaring screen all day if I can read it fine without the bright lights. The bright light of the screen isn't the greatest for your eyes and it was starting to give me headaches.

Walks
My breaks are now dedicated to walking around the office. The act of walking around and getting out that pent up energy has started to really help me. Can I really get in good exercise from walking around work? Well my building is sort of a half of a mile long from end to end. And I happen to work on one end. While I don't have time to walk the mile down and back on a short break, I have plenty of room to walk around and to change some scenery.

Reading
Reading is another stress reducer that I've given another try. Rather than watching TV before bed, I've started to read. I've had problems with this before (I tend to get caught up in a good book and can't put it down, thus not sleeping when I should be) but now I'm trying really hard just to stick to two chapters a night (depending on a book). I heard on the radio that reading is the best stress reliever, and that it's better than watching TV. I just finished one of my books and I really need to get going on another one.

Well there you have it, some tips and tricks I've been following to help reduce my anixety and to lead a less stressful life!

At What Age Is Grown-up?

2011-12-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

This is a question I've been thinking about for a while now. It started at the beginning of my first reunion when I started emailing my first mother. At 22, I felt this odd, child-like sensation as I would tell her about my childhood and my favorite memories. It's such a hard feeling to describe, feeling like a small child again looking for Mother's approval. As time went on, that feeling faded, only to reemerge when I started talking to my first father, though not as bad the second time around. Listening to other adult adoptees, it turns out that it's not completely unheard of, the regression I was feeling.

Being back at home with my parents has brought this question up again. My mother does my laundry (her one household chore). My parents refuse to accept rent from me (when I offered I was laughed at). A lot of the same rules are in place for me now as when I was in high school, though in some areas I have a bit more freedom. It's challenging to step back into that role and still maintain that I'm an adult (which I am). But my parents don't see me that way, so it gets pretty complicated around our house sometimes.

I can own my own car like an adult, work like an adult, get paid like an adult, be treated like an adult when not with my family, but in the eyes of the state and in the eyes of my adoptive family, I'm still a child. The state sees me as a child in that they won't give me my birth documentation. Everyone else has theirs, I just can't get mine because they don't trust me as an adult to make what they see as the "right" decision. My adoptive family (extended now) also sees me as a child, as witnessed this past weekend.

My uncle adopted two daughters later in life. Their father died when they were young and he helped to raise them. He was always their "dad" but nothing was official until both girls were in their 30's. At that point, it was a step-parent adoption because he married their mother the day before they started the paperwork. So my grandparents have eight grandchildren and four of us are adopted.

My older cousins do not act like cousins, or at least not in the way that I'm used to. My family is very close. We all get together on a regular basis (not just the holidays), call each other, support each other, and are there for each other. My cousins don't call. They bail on family parties. They haven't called my mother once to see how she's doing. They don't call my grandmother. They don't act like her grandchildren. So it's a sore spot in our family. My uncle is insistent that they be treated like everyone else, but they don't treat the rest of us the way everyone else does. If that makes sense.

My uncle threw a Christmas party last weekend. A "family" party. Which was a big deal because even though he lives less than an hour away, nobody's ever been to his house before. So like an idiot, I called him to get the details. I do all the planning in our house and I wanted to know what time so we could plan our weekend around it. Well. I was told that I wasn't invited. I could go to a separate party with my cousins on another day. It was a party for just his brothers and their wives. Hm. Ok. Fast forward to the actual party. My younger cousins never got the memo they weren't invited. So they showed up. I'm so glad that they did! But here's the kicker. My uncle's kids were there. With their kids. Who are teenagers. So basically, my uncle threw a party for his brothers, their wives, and his family, and just excluded his nieces and nephews. But because my cousins showed up, my entire family was there except for my sister and I.

So at 24, my uncle does not see me as an adult. It was an "adult" Christmas party, yet at 24, and my cousin at 22, were not invited. So at what age is grown up? Eighteen? Well, that included all the cousins with the exception of one. Twenty-one? Still includes my cousin and I. Twenty-five? Ok, that would make sense, but how do you come up with that number? What can't I do at twenty-four that I can't do at twenty-five other than rent a car?

Adoptee triggers galore these days. Seriously. Not cool.

Follow Up: NeverTooLate

2011-12-19T09:00:00.002-05:00

Thank you all for your support these last few weeks. I've gotten lots of feedback (and not just here). I was really nervous last week about posting about potentially forcing NeverTooLate's hand. I was afraid of what a lot of first mothers and adoptive parents would think about that idea. I figured that no first mother would think it was a good idea. And that adoptive parents would say to err on the side of caution. It was really mind blowing to me when it seemed like everyone was behind me. And everyone was on my side! I don't typically get that in my life. My mom is amazing, but she never took my side before. My aunts are great (and are the new role models in my life) but they never took my side either. Everyone in real life has been telling me to be patient. And to wait. And that I don't have a right to barge into her life. So it was different for me to see that at least a few people think that I deserve to have the opportunity to meet my first mother on my terms.

It also blew me away that so many people took the time to comment and email me. It showed me that random strangers (well, not super random and not exactly "strangers" anymore) cared enough to reach out and offer words of support and helpful suggestions. It really means/meant a lot to me!

So I wanted to say thanks. As I said before, I'm not in a position to make that move right now. But I'm hoping to be in a better place by the summer. And I'm not letting anyone stop me once I make up my mind. I don't care if my first father flips out. I don't care in my first mother never wants to see me again afterward. I want to move forward with my life, and the only way I can do that is to meet her.

For now, I'm shelving this. I've got loads of stuff going on right now. I'm hoping that some stuff works itself out, I work out some other stuff, and I can get to a better place. Once that happens (and some of it is completely dependent on other people), then I'm going to write my first mother an email and let her know how I feel. I'm going to tell her why I want to meet her, and why I'd rather not wait. I'm going to flat out ask her to meet me. And I'm going to send it and see if she responds. I'm going to give her a month to write me back. If she doesn't respond or responds badly, then I'm going to either show up, or try to email her one more time and tell her that she can either meet me in a way that works for her, or I'll just show up. I haven't decided yet, and I'll probably figure it out based on the response. We'll see.

Should it come down to me just showing up, I don't think I'll go to their house. Sandlot is 14. She'll be 15 over the summer, but she's still very young. And my maternal grandparents live in the same house, just a different apartment. And I don't want to deal with them right now. So showing up at the house probably would be a horrible horrible idea. I know where she works, so I could always show up there. Problem in that is that she's afraid she'll lose her job if they find out about me (oh the joys of being Catholic). So she could flip out A LOT if I show up at her work, even if I claim to be a niece (which I could do if I meant I got to meet her). But I do have options. Lots of options. So we'll see. I'll figure it out eventually. Like I said, it's going on the mental shelf right now and it will be pulled out again, probably in a few months.

Thank you again for reading and commenting and emailing. I so honestly appreciate it! You guys are the best!

Picture Sunday: Week 12

2011-12-18T15:25:00.002-05:00

Sorry I'm a little late today! Holiday fun the week before Christmas! And I did edit these a bit late... Sorry about that! These pictures are from an event I went to a few weeks ago. Each company in this office building, as well as surrounding school and business, created a themed Christmas tree which was put up in a raffle. All the proceeds went to the Ronald McDonald house. Such a great event and a fun day!

Nice and Red :-)

Peace on Earth Tree

I liked the colors on this white tree

Patriotic Themed Tree!

Holiday Fun

2011-12-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

Off for some wonderful holiday goodness today! Me and eighteen (yes, you read that correctly) other people are headed in town for a holiday show today. And I'm related to all by four of them. No joke. This is going to be a whole bucket full of family fun time! Oh, and we're all women... Don't know if that makes all that much of a difference.

We used to do things like this all the time, but lately it's dwindled. I remember seeing the Nutcracker every year with my mom, sister, and aunts. It wasn't Christmas until we put on the dresses with the holiday tights (I hate tights) and made the trek to the Wang Theater. My favorite part was when the tree grew. How magical.

My uncle is dying of cancer. He's been putting up a good fight for the past three years, but he's not doing super great these days. Now my mom is dying of cancer, but she's still at the beginning of her road and has a lot of fight left in her. Another uncle is in remission after nearly dying several times two years ago. Before my uncles and my mom, nobody in either of my parents family's suffered from this horrible disease. We sort of were hit all at once. The reason for this depressing paragraph is that it really has made my family realize what's important. We value our time together a lot more now than we did before. We made more of a conscious effort to spend time together making memories that we'll have forever.

So this year we're going to see a Christmas show. It's the earliest show they have so my mom is able to go and still make it home for a nap. We were going to go out to a restaurant, but it would have been too much for my mom and too much for the restaurant (party of 19!). So instead we'll go back to one of my aunts' homes and have a pizza party instead. Then if my mom needs to go home to rest, I can take her home without an issue.

I hope that we get a tree this weekend. I'm going to push to go tomorrow. My parents have a Christmas party to go to (it's a family party but half of the family wasn't invited) but I'm hoping we can quickly pick out a tree maybe even tonight so my sister and I can decorate it while they are at the party and when they come home the house will be finished. I'm also going to try to get everything wrapped by the end of the weekend. How nice would that be?

I'm proud of myself for getting so much done. Normally I'm shopping Christmas Eve and wrapping gifts at midnight. Finishing not only my stuff but my mom's as well a whole week early is amazing for me. I'm pretty proud. We'll have a nicely decorated house, a tree with wrapped presents under it, the whole nine yards! And we'll be able to enjoy a nice Christmas and make nice memories. I don't want a disappointing Christmas, one that's so different from all the others that we can't help but think about why that is.

I hope you're all having good luck with your holiday preparations!

Santa Baby!

2011-12-16T11:28:00.000-05:00

Nearly peed my pants... I love you Bastards! Thanks for making this and uploading it Linda!

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Housekeeping

2011-12-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

Just a few housekeeping items today.

In case you didn't notice, I've created a Google+ account for this blog! Exciting I know! Not really... Actually, there's a rumor around that Google is going to kill Google Friend Connect (GFC) and switch to Google+. So in an effort to guard myself from that, if you have a Google+ account, feel free to follow me over there.

Here's the button (click and you'll get to the page):

So give it a click to check it out. I haven't had time to really update the page but I'm slowly working on it. I'll get there eventually.

I've added a few pages up top as well. I figured this is as good a time as any to go through them in a post.

Read Me First : This is my standard disclaimer. It roughly outlines my stance, my blog rules, and my comment policy. It's meant to be read first (duh!). I change it every now and then. It's been updated a few times this past month.
Open Letter : This is a letter written by another adult adoptee (ie - not me) that I believe is a powerful read. It's something that I believe everyone should read in an attempt to understand where a lot of adult adoptee bloggers are coming from.
My Adoption Story : This is a work in progress. I plan on majorly re-hauling it over the next few weeks seeing as my story has drastically changed once again.
Resources : This is another work in progress. I ordered a bunch of books that I want to read and review and post here. So that's going to be a common place to keep all that information together. I also have several good links for search and reunion posted up there. If you have any other good resources for me, let me know!
Private Blog : This is the explanation and link to my private blog. So if you've ever wondered why some of my posts link elsewhere, that's a good place to start.
Picture Sundays : This is a list of all my Picture Sunday posts. A girl's got to have a hobby!

I'm also working on my sidebars. I want a full cast list soon (my mom and sister both need nicknames) and I'm thinking of trying to improve some of my graphics. We'll see.

Yay for housekeeping!

What to Do About NeverTooLate?

2011-12-15T09:00:00.002-05:00

Ugly topic needs a pretty picture

I've been thinking about what this whole not caring anymore thing means to me. There were a lot of things that I couldn't do before because I didn't want to upset my first father. Having a relationship with him was more important to me that accomplishing some of my other goals because I made him a top priority. But now that I don't particularly care about the whole thing the way that I used to, I have a whole lot of other options that have been opened up for me. I'm not going to act on anything right now (anything I do should be for the right reason, not as a reaction to him hurting me the way he did). But I still have several options to consider.

First of all, I want to meet my first mother. I couldn't force her hand before because of my first father. Well, I don't have to worry about that anymore. I was willing to wait a long time to meet her. I don't have to now. I'm thinking that this summer is an option. As I've said before, I want to meet my first mother while my adoptive mother is still alive. I want to be able to go home to see my mom, the one who raised me and who means the world to me. And I do feel that I need to meet my first mother in order to move forward with my life. I need to be able to move on and I can't do that without meeting her. It will always be hanging over my head. And I'm just a little be encouraged by the fact that she stood up for me. Maybe she doesn't hate me after all...

So I am considering my options. I just might pull a "We're going to meet. We could do this so that it works for you and meet somewhere you won't be recognized and when you can get away from your family without them asking major questions, or I could just show up. You're choice". I couldn't do that before because it would seriously tick off my first father, who's protective of her, but not me. Yes, he went there once and told me that. But now I don't have to worry about him. To be clear, I never wanted it to come down to this. I never wanted that. I wanted her to want to meet me. I wanted to wait. But I can't have this hanging over my head. I want it done and over with. I want to move on.

I feel like I need to move on from this place. I feel like this whole experiment failed. I made an honest go with NeverTooLate, and she didn't want to know me. She doesn't want to hear my voice. She doesn't want to see me. She just wants to pretend I don't exist, except apparently on the holidays when the guilt gets to her. I tried again with my first father, even though I'd been warned that married first parents are less likely to want contact. For over a year, I gave it my all. I broke down walls that I had put in place to protect myself from getting hurt. And it only took him a little over a month to completely crush me.

Going back isn't an option. The only thing to do is to move forward. I'll always be adopted. I'll always deal with these core issues. And I'll always have another family out there. But I'm also always going to be someone's dirty little secret, their source of shame. I didn't do anything wrong. I never asked for this. And I certainly shouldn't have to deal with such a horrible fall out all because I wanted to know where I came from. I truly believe that the best way to move forward is to meet my first mother and move on with my life. If the email thing works with my first father, we'll see what happens. But I honestly don't know how much more heartache I can take.

We'll see what happens. Like I said, I don't want to be reactionary. I just want to be able to move on.

Shifting Thinking

2011-12-14T09:00:00.001-05:00

I'm having a hard time dealing with everything. I know it's going to take me some time, but it's so hard on top of everything else. I've had to shift my thinking and make some changes in my life and in my plans.

I had a book made of all the emails in the first year between me and my first father. I thought we'd have a second year to add to it later. There have been a grand total of four emails from him since them, and they are all very short. So I guess no more second book. It was next to my bed before because I was reading it at night. I had to move it I was so upset, so under my bed it went. That only lasted a day and I put it up in the attic buried as deep as I could get it without looking at the cover (which is a picture of the two of us).

I deleted all the text messages out of my phone (but took screen shots of the last few days) and moved all the pictures to a separate part of the phone in storage (that I need to actively look for and put in a password for). I deleted the picture out of his contact information and wiped the call log of his name. He was removed from my favorites. I'd delete him completely but I need to know when not to answer the phone. I'll probably change his name to "Do Not Answer" instead.

A filter was added to my inbox so any email will bypass it and therefore not end up on my phone. I'd kept an email in my inbox from last March after we first met, and that was moved out and away so I won't have to look at it anymore unless I go seeking it out.

My plan was to order a book for all the emails with my first mother. I was going to try to do that sooner rather than later. I'm still going to do it, but I'll probably let some time go by to give myself some time to heal. I've decided to get a storage box that I can put everything in and seal it up. I'll store it all in the attic together, where I don't have to look at the remnants of a failed reunion. Someday I'll go back through it, maybe when I have my own kids and they start asking questions, but right now I want nothing to do with it. I won't get rid of it because it's important to me to have some answers for any children I might have, but I can't bear the thought of even having it around me.

Honestly, I don't care anymore if I accidentally out my first family here. That was my major concern before. That someone they knew would find out because of me. But now I'm not interested in keeping their secret. So I'm here, publicly. And if anyone finds this, then so be it.

I'm going to make an honest go at the email thing next month. I said I would, so I will. But it's never going to be quite the same. I've lost my faith in my reunion. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get it back. And I'm so hurt over this still, even after an apology. I'm hoping that with time, I'll start to heal, but for now I can't even look at an email or a book.

Apology Email

2011-12-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

So I wrote yesterday's post on Friday so that I could take a break for the weekend and go away for a mini-vacation with my school family. I had a wonderful talk with my school Mommy on Saturday night. I told her what's been going on and she helped me to figure a lot of things out. She had some amazing advice for me. She told me that I was taking on too much. It's too much for a normal person to handle. So she suggested that I take a break from things for a while and focus on myself. She could see that I'm not doing to well with the whole reunion and other issues, and she wants me to take better care of me.

So I decided that I'm going to make a huge effort to do that from here on out. She liked that I made it so that my emails wouldn't come through to my inbox. She liked that I was going to deal with my reunion in small doses rather than big disappointing ones. And she got 100% why I was upset. I love my school Mommy.

So we had this lovely talk. And when I woke up the next morning, I checked my special folder one more time to say goodbye in a way for a little while. I wasn't planning on it, but I needed to put it to rest so I could really make a fresh start. And naturally there was an apology email in there, that had been sent the morning before.

My first mother it seems stood up for me. SinginInTheRain told NeverTooLate what had gone down between us (I'm guessing this happened Friday night). She told him he was an idiot. She explained that there were other solutions. He could delete text messages. Ask that I only text him while he's at work. The light bulb went off and he knows he's an idiot. He said he was sorry. He explained that he's new to this and it's hard for him. He understood if I didn't want to talk to him.

Wow. I was amazed. It was exactly what he should have sent a week earlier. But at least he sent it. And my first mother stood up for me. That was pretty amazing too. Because I don't trust her I'm inclined to think she had an ulterior motive (as long as I'm talking to one of them they have the upper hand) but I can pretend for a little bit.

I emailed him back yesterday morning. I thanked him for the email and told him I appreciated the apology. I explained that yes I had been hurt and that it had taken me a long time to trust him. So it was a double wammy for me. I also explained that I have a lot going on right now, and I'm not in a great place. I asked him to give me a little space for now and maybe we can try the email thing and see how it goes. I asked him what he thought about that, and hit send.

We'll see. I can't text him right now. Just the idea hurts too much. And I have so much going on. I'm making some changes in my life regarding my boyfriend. I can't deal with boyfriend drama and reunion drama at the same time. Add to this that my sister moved home for good this past weekend. That's a blog post in itself. I have a funny feeling I'll be moving out by Spring. The point is, it's too much for right now. It's too much right before the holidays. We've given up on the decorations. It's not going to happen this year. We'll probably get a tree, but it won't be the same as usual. I've got two more gifts to buy and the shopping will be done, but everything needs to be wrapped. And soon.

Too much drama, too much to handle, and not enough time in the day to figure it all out. So I'm putting my reunion on the back burner for the rest of the month. I think it can sit for a month. And honestly I don't know how to handle it. There's no possibility of a phone call those weeks either. My first father is going to be off for the last week or so, which means no calls, texting, or emails anyway.

I'm wiped out...

How To Respond?

2011-12-12T09:00:00.001-05:00

I've been seriously debating what to do after I got that email. I was so sure that he was going to apologize and he didn't. I was so sure he'd have some sort of clue. He didn't. So now what happens? I see a few options but I don't like any of them.

I could not respond. I was leaning towards this at one point. He'd get the point after a while. How could he not if I just never emailed him back? He'd start to figure things out. I mean, he cut me off of phone calls and text messaging and then waited a week before getting back in touch with me. He never really acknowledged that what he did was hurtful. That it would affect me too. He's just such a downer these days. All he did in his email was complain about the weather, his job, the Chirstmas shopping he has to do, etc. So just not responding is an option. And honestly, it's the easiest way out. But in saying that, I don't think I could go through with it. I've read too many stories of people who just cut off contact and what that's done to the other person. I've read hurt accounts of not knowing what they did wrong. I don't think I could do that to someone. I just don't think I can do it. I'm not that kind of person. Because while he might have an idea, he made it pretty clear that he legit has no clue how bad last week was for me. Or maybe he knows and is trying to avoid it. You never know.

I could send him a "hurt" email. I ruled this one out a while back, but it's still an option. The problem with this is that while he would know I'm mad at him, he could fight back via email and I'd never have the original offense in writing. But he would have my response in writing. I've learned along the way never to put anything in writing that you wouldn't want shared with the world. So this option has been discarded. Even though I think I would feel better for about five days or so. It's not worth the hurt in the long run.

I could send him an email that just says that I'm finished with our relationship. It's a very vaild option. First of all, he'd know why I wasn't responding (because he'd know not to expect anything back). I wouldn't have to go into detail about it. Just let him know that I'm not happy and therefore won't be responding anymore. The issue with this is that like the above reason; I don't have his offense in writing. Rudy pointed that out to me. According to him, something like that can be used against me in the future and I'd have no defense (or at least no proof anyway). So my solution isn't really the best one probably.

Rudy actually came up with the solution I will probably go with. He thought long and hard about it, and read the email I was sent this week. He was a) angry that I got that type of response and b) inspired to come up with a solution. Because the email was so cold and detached, he thinks I should respond in kind. Keep it short, sweet, detatched, and impersonal. No emotions. After a few of these emails, Rudy thinks that my first father will get the point. The reason being that most of my emails are long and involved and upbeat. I pour my heart out into them because I type faster than I write so I'm able to get most of my thoughts down. And I trusted my first father, remember? So a short email that's cold and detached is very different from my normal response. And he suggested that I wait a whole week before I send it to him. No excuses for why I didn't write back right away (like I normally do). It's a game. And I hate playing games. I like to be more honest and upfront with people. But like Rudy said, clearly my first father is playing some games with me. So Rudy thinks I should fight fire with fire. And not just that, but a cold and detached email is a lot easier to write than a long drawn out one (or so he thinks). And it will take me just a few minutes (that's how short he thinks I should keep it). If I never get called out on it, it's minimal effort on my part to keep a minimal line of communication open. I don't have to share anything.

I think I'll get called out on it. And Rudy already had that figured out too. He thinks I should write back that I'm not really looking for a pen pal and if that's all I am to him, then it's just not going to work for me. It's slightly different from telling him off right away, because he'd actually have to ask me about it, which shows that it's not completly unprovoked. I'm not explaining it well, but I do see the difference.

I have to think about it. I have a few days before I hit the "week" marker anyway. I'm so done with everything, but I can see the benefits that Rudy pointed out into maintaining minimal contact. Besides, if I ever have the chance at a relationship with my sisters, these people are still their parents. And it would be so challenging to have that relationship without at least being civil to their parents. Maybe I'll learn how to move on someday. Right now I never want to see my first father ever again. I'm so over this.

I made a filter in my email list. Anything coming from him or my first mother will go directly into the special file I have and skip the inbox. So I won't know they've emailed me unless I go looking for it. So I won't have to deal with them whenever they feel like it. It's going to be on my terms. And my anxiety level has gone down since I've done that. I was freaked out before to even look at my phone, especially after NeverTooLate sent me a Thanksgiving email and it came up on my cell phone unexpectedly.

Long and involved post today. Sorry, just needed to sort some things out. I just wish I could move on from this whole big mess.

Picture Sunday: Week 11

2011-12-11T09:00:00.000-05:00

Finally I have Thanksgiving pictures! After months, I finally updated my new computer with my old music and synced it up with my new phone. Yes, it took me nearly three months to do. But that's ok, because it's done now and not only do I have all my music on my phone (which is always with me) but I also have a lot of my recent pictures on there as well. And seeing as I prep my pictures for this blog on my phone, it made it a whole lot easier to post these pictures this week! Yay! Lots of food because these come from Thanksgiving. Enjoy!

Apples Pre-Pie

Going into a Pie

These were so yummy!

My uncle's dog

As always, ask first before using these pictures!

Making Decisions

2011-12-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

It's been a week and I'm still processing. I think it's going to take me a while. I was cut off cold turkey so that was hard. At least with my first mother, contact slowed down near the end. I could see the writing on the wall. I had an active part in ending things. But this time around, I had no warning. I went from at least a text message every day and talking at least once a week to nothing.

Last Sunday I watched the Patriots game and thought "I should text SinginInTheRain and see what he thought of that play!" because he's the only person I really talk football too. Then I remembered I couldn't. I volunteered at a Christmas party for 100 autistic kids and nearly texted him again with a funny story before I remembered once again, I can't do that anymore.

The thing is, it took me forever to trust him. I mean really trust him. For the longest time I'd hold my breath and wonder if each email would be the last, if each phone call would be the last. I double checked all my text messages to make sure I wouldn't offend him. I was so careful.

Then my mom got sick in the spring, and my first father was there for me. And I started to trust him a little more. Then my first father asked to introduce me as his niece and I was upset. I told him I was upset and we talked it out. We didn't solve anything, but things got better. I started to trust him a little bit more because he hadn't turned and run. And then my birthday rolled around and he made every effort to come and see me. And after that, I fully trusted him. Things finally felt normal.

And just like that it all went away. To be clear, my first father didn't cut off all contact. He told me he'd still make an effort to call me every once and a while, and he would still email me whenever he could. Gee. How generous of him. Here's the thing. It's not hard to clear the text messages on the phone. I typically don't text him when he's at home. So really, not my fault that he kept things on his phone. It's super easy to delete a call from the log on the phone. He's got a smart phone. A monkey could do it. So that's silly too. And the whole email pops up JUST LIKE a text message, so really, there's no difference there, just that he moves them over on the computer and doesn't leave them on his phone. No reason to end text messages. Oh, and he had three days to think about it. While that's not years, it wasn't like he got caught and then called me an hour later. He did have some time to think about it. And that was the best solution he could come up with. And I wasn't included. I was told this is how it's going to be.

I don't have to take that, and I won't. I can't ever trust him again. He knew it was going to hurt me, but honestly, he was more concerned about himself. He lied to my sister's face. I'm so angry on her behalf. And if he could lie to her, it's not a huge leap to see that he could lie to me. So I'm done. I'd be very happy never to see or hear from him again. I've felt that way since I hung up the phone last week. But I did want that email he promised me. Because I wanted to see how much of an ass he is. I got my email, the one I was promised six days after "The Call". The way I see it, he could either have sent me a nice long apology email and try to patch things up, or he could have just pretended everything is ok. Guess which one I got? Apparently it was more important for him to tell me about how much he hates this weather than to say he's sorry.

I will meet my first mother someday. I feel like I need to for me. And I was worried that I would put it off because of him. So that's one good thing. I was going to wait to contact my siblings. I don't have to anymore. I'm going to contact them when I'm ready. I might not be ready for a long time. I don't know what I'm going to do because I don't want anything to be reactionary; it has to be well thought out. So that's another positive.

I'm still processing. And I'm so hurt by everything. I didn't do anything wrong and I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be forced into a closet. And my first family will eventually learn that living and breathing skeletons are the worst kind to have because eventually they set themselves free.